Thread: A Drink From A Well...

The day the garden wall fell,
Was the day he drunk, from a once dry well,
The effect on him was quite profound, yet hard to tell,
Like the far off sound of a silver bell!

The young man began to see,
A green and gold robed, fairy company!

He followed from a distance, (being timid, you see)
Waiting for a right good chance,
To in their fellowship sing and dance,
Creeping quietly, like a fool, in a forward pouncing stance.

The opportunity never came, (that would assuage his false humility)
His folly! His weakness! His shame!

They vanished from sight!
The north star clouded over, on a moonless night!
The East Wind snatched a cherished red and silver kite!
The young man wept, in his self caused plight.

The colors of life in his eyes did dim!
Sweet air in his lungs, was torn from him! (Only the bitter was left!)

Now, for all this young mans’ life, he will grieve,
For all the dreams his mind shall not weave,
His soul is placed within a sieve, (Being divided! Being divided!)
Dripping through unwholesome air, no man would dare to breath!

Returning to the well, to his selfish mind, never occurred,
The shadow in his heart, ever loved a faith deterred!

This was a nice piece, with a good concept behind it - a faerie encounter, and Nature
I do have a few humble suggestions, and you are free to use all any or none:

Originally Posted by FrameOfDust

I remember the day that the garden wall fell (this line was too short next to the others)
was the first time he drank from a once-dry well, (made it less awkward)
The effect on him was quite profound, yet hard to tell, this line needs work, but actually I suggest reworking it to something like "A profound feeling upon him fell" or better yet "A deep enchantment upon him fell"
Like the far off sound of a silver bell! "like the wistful call of a distant bell."

To the young man's delight, he began to see,
A green and gold robed, fairy company! "faeries in gold and emerald panoply!"

Being timid, he followed from a distance
awaiting his most opportune chance
to enter their fellowship of song and dance,
but spellbound he watched them frolic and prance

His blessed moment never came,
His folly! His weakness! His dismal shame!

The fair assembly had departed into the night!
The North Star clouded over, the Moon passed from sight! (I would consider something richer than the North Star, like "the Pleiades", but that's just me)
The East Wind snatched a cherished red kite! (for the sake of line rhythm, I deleted the "and silver"
The young man wept, in his self caused plight.

The colors of life in his eyes did dim!
Sweet air in his lungs, was torn from him! (Only the bitter was left!)

Now, for all this young mans’ life, he will grieve,
For all the dreams his mind shall not weave,
His soul is placed within a sieve, (Being divided! Being divided!)
Dripping through unwholesome air, no man would dare to breath!

Returning to the well, to his selfish mind, never occurred,
The shadow in his heart, ever loved a faith deterred!

I'm afraid my laptop's battery is nearly dead, so I must cease for now, but you get the idea - I'm sorry that I've taken some rather deep liberties in places, but I was just trying to stir up some ideas to tighten up the piece and make it richer - it has a nice theme, which with some more effort could really shine out clearly and beautifully

---todd

Thanks for the critique, I really appreciate it. I like what you are doing here and I would love to see more. I will do a revision sometime soon. Thanks!