Thread: contents of a cardboard box

a rusty nail, a broken bell
a little rubber Orca whale
tangled strings, cicada wings
two hot-pink plastic rings
a rubber band, shells and sand
a lead soldier with a missing hand
acorn caps, a pouch that snaps
a Disneyland brochure with maps
a jaybird feather, a strip of leather
two broken stones that fit together
Cootie lips, big paper clips
some stale Ruffles potato chips
a bouncy ball, a tiny doll
three old keys and that's about all

Enjoyed the rather mundane, but vivid, quality of this. Good sounds, even in the title, and some very interesting images ("a lead soldier with a missing hand"). However, I feel it lacks something -- a theme, an emotional punch, etc. It doesn't appear to speak to anything larger. Doesn't have to, of course, but I think the poem would be much, much stronger if it eventually went beyond just a list of "things." What is behind this situation -- why are there things in the cardboard box in the first place? Is there some sort of domestic situation going on, is a marriage falling apart, is someone moving out?

Love this line: "two broken stones that (still) fit together", though I'd like to see the word "still" put in there. Line has the potential to be hugely symbolic, and maybe it is meant to be, but I'm not getting that impression at the moment. Also, I think the line would be more effective if placed closer to the end, instead of tucked in the middle of the poem.

The only other thing that bothered me about the poem is the neat and tidy little end-rhyme scheme you've got going. Gives the piece a bouncy, jolly feel, but I'm not sure that is appropriate here.

Nice work! I admire how you are able to rhyme completely random words, some of which have little to nothing to do with each other and would by no means pop into my head, i found this a job well done. It reminds me of something I would read out of those big, encyclopedia size poem books that everyone adored so much in my elementary years.

Originally Posted by johnM

Enjoyed the rather mundane, but vivid, quality of this. Good sounds, even in the title, and some very interesting images ("a lead soldier with a missing hand"). However, I feel it lacks something -- a theme, an emotional punch, etc. It doesn't appear to speak to anything larger. Doesn't have to, of course, but I think the poem would be much, much stronger if it eventually went beyond just a list of "things." What is behind this situation -- why are there things in the cardboard box in the first place? Is there some sort of domestic situation going on, is a marriage falling apart, is someone moving out?

I like that you are thinking along these lines, although, honestly, I didn't write this with any kind of intent in mind, except perhaps subconsiously - there were other "things" I considered including, but rejected for one reason or another, and chose certain ones - maybe my subconcious had a purpose - I did have an intentional "feel" I wanted to convey: the assemblance of various items that each had a life-story that ended with them in the box - influencing this as well are the boxes my young children collect things in, and also those "I Spy" books where the author sets up various random little objects, on a shelf for instance - some of the photos are quite charming just to look at in themselves, odds and ends assebled together

Like you said, a piece doesn't have to have an overt "meaning" other than being charming, or tickling to the imagination in someway

also, I liked playing around with the rhythm and rhyming in this piece - it was fun to write

Love this line: "two broken stones that (still) fit together", though I'd like to see the word "still" put in there. Line has the potential to be hugely symbolic, and maybe it is meant to be, but I'm not getting that impression at the moment.

Also, I think the line would be more effective if placed closer to the end, instead of tucked in the middle of the poem.

Thanks for the thought, it's a good one - however, it would throw off the rhythm to my ear, for one thing - and "still" to me would be an unnecessary word since two halves of a stone that is broken always fit back together, being solid and all - I do see, though, where you are going with "still" as a metaphor for some broken relationship that can still be fixed, but like I said, I didn't have that in mind, and frankly if I did, it would border on a sentimentality I try to avoid in my writing, if I can : )

The only other thing that bothered me about the poem is the neat and tidy little end-rhyme scheme you've got going. Gives the piece a bouncy, jolly feel, but I'm not sure that is appropriate here.

It was meant to be a sort of playful on one hand, and nostalgic melancholy on the other -also, I've been listening to some old Tin Pan Alley/Vaudeville type songs, and have been intrigued with their very witty rhyming lyrics - so that might explain the rhymes and tone

thanks for your thoughts!

also, thanks writingismylife - I remember those old books too - and I appreciate the compliments

---todd

Hi Todd,

Delightful read.

Cleverly constructed words take on beauty all of their own and the reader is inspired to add his or her own feelings.

"Contents of a Cardboard Box" leaves the reader with a sense of peace and for the more imaginative, a completely recognisable and unattached prop.

Well done.

Figuring "Structured Verse" is where I should be posting my own poetry, if/when I write again.

Ian

thanks Ian, I did intend on leaving the reader room to imagine and "fill in the gaps" - in some ways this sort of piece is the equivalent to a painted "still life"

---todd

I can see where it could benefit from expansion, like finding the rock by the lake one summer, or the rubber band coming from a rolled up newspaper found in a ditch. I think it leaves our curiosity wanting more.

However, judging it as the playful poem it is, it is a fun read. It is shallow, but sometimes too much depth bogs us down. I like the presentation.

JRB

I can't find anything to critique! I loved this! thanks for sharing.

This is an enjoyable little piece, and one that stirs up memories in the reader. A fun read, thanks!

Who'da thunk such a collection of objects would make such a great piece. You, and only you, lol. I had a great time imagining the importance of those items to their owner, and agree with Frame regarding the memory stirring. It's amazing what we keep for our own personal reasons. I also love that the rhyming is so natural. Another winner, I think the shade of my name has just turned just a tad greener because of you, Todd. lol. Kudos.

thanks Potty, Frame and Lisa - I'm glad you enjoyed it

Lisa, that you found the rhyming so natural is a fantastic compliment, it's what I strive for - with varying degrees of success - this particular one does feel very tight

thanks!
---todd

I feel as if I've truly been looking into that box. Great rhythm.

This is enchanting! I had one of those boxes as a child...The box was destroyed--but I still have some of my treasures...I am going to start my Granddaughter one--and she can add to it later. Todd ,here is where you shine--taking a simple childhood custom and turning it into a delightful stroll down memory lane. And--that you said this poem was--to you a still life painting--wonderful! I do some drawing and painting--this would make a stunning painting, but I am afraid it would not be as magical as your written words... Peace...Jul

My first impression was that it's a 'treasure box' that children use, a place where they keep important items, and the poet has opened the box after he's grown up... I love the simplicity of it and how it can evoke so many emotions. Like Lisa, I envy you too, the poem's just so innocently beautiful.

Originally Posted by candid petunia

My first impression was that it's a 'treasure box' that children use, a place where they keep important items, and the poet has opened the box after he's grown up... I love the simplicity of it and how it can evoke so many emotions. Like Lisa, I envy you too, the poem's just so innocently beautiful.

thanks Farah! : )