Thread: The Man from Corduba

By Daneril17

Having been the man you once knew all sane
The tattered flyte had been lost once before
I say this sane man had been of all lore
He had been the famed merchant of all pain

And so to say of the scholar again
"You need not forget of the broken heart!"
Your love awaits your coming and to part
Bringing grace to your love and to your friend

The elegy of her life had you missed
Beauty within studied as a science
Your love was lost with utter defiance
Your work of paper had been made in lists

Thus grow old my merchant from Corduba
Forging the great nation of Lord or Love

I have trouble following this, to be honest. I gave it a couple of reads and even some dissection, but it appears to be over my head.

JRB

This piece a lot of potential, but I too had trouble following the line of thought, and I think the main reason is the sentence structure and order of words - a few suggestions:

Originally Posted by Daneril17

By Daneril17

Having been the man you once knew as fully sane
The tattered flyte(?) had been lost long before
I say that this sane (not sane again, another word, maybe good, great, etc) man had been only lore
He had been the famed merchant of all pain. (the meaning of this line is not clear)

And so to say of the scholar again
"You need not be forgetful of the broken heart!"
For your love awaits your coming and to part ('to part' is awkward here)
Bringing grace to your love and to your friend.

The elegy of her life had you missed
Beauty within was studied as a science
Your love was lost with utter defiance
Your work of paper was made with lists

Thus grow old, my merchant from Corduba
And forge a great nation of Lord or Love

Good piece though, lots of potential -
---todd

thanks for the revision. A flyte is a type of transport ship from the 17th century.