Untitled! [901 words] - Writers Forum

kaseyisrad · 07-01-2008, 05:17 PM

I posted this story awhile ago, but I changed it up and added some things. Comments welcome! <3 Kasey

He’d been ignoring me all week. Not passing a glance at me in the halls, not returning any of my calls. I wanted him to miss me, and I wanted him to care; but the way he was acting didn’t show that. I could feel my body turn to stone, and shatter.

Brian,
This is the last time I’m saying goodbye to you. The last time I’ll shed a single tear for you. You used to be someone I could go to, when I knew no one else would listen. But, you were a useless actor, and this time your act didn’t sell.

“Ali, you don’t really believe that I would cheat on you do you? You have to be insane! She’s just a lab partner; I’ve been busy that’s why I haven’t called. Come on, you gotta believe me.” He touched my shoulder, burning the skin on the surface.

My lip began to tremble, and my knees began to buckle. I refused to cry in front of him.

“I’m done believing.”

I used to be so happy with you, and looking back I know sometimes you were happy too. But, you didn’t care like I did. You didn’t need me the same way I needed you. I was just someone that you could say was yours, another trophy on your wall.

My heels tapped on the concrete, and my tears fogged my vision. I kept hearing him calling after me; they were just more lies to add to the already overflowing pile. I was sick and tired of the bull, it was time I let it all go away.

Letting my mind drift to a place that would keep it sane, where I couldn’t hear the voice laced with lies anymore; where I could find the peace and the will to one last time tell the boy that I used to care so much about goodbye.

Day after day the noise ringing in my ear, telling me you were no good. If only I would have listened, if only I would have taken myself away. It’s funny how things change so fast. How everything I once loved turned into everything I hate. Feel that weight on your shoulders, that’s me, and that’s where I’ll stay.
Love always, Ali

Maybe he would realize one day.

I placed the letter in an envelope along with my ring. Kissing the letter, I lay it on my pillow. A ring and a pink lip imprint would be all he’d have left.

I picked up the handgun, cold and loaded. Swallowing one last time, and pulling the trigger. This really would be my last goodbye.

***

I’ve never seen Brian in such bad shape, and I’ve seen him low. We’ve been married for a year now, and he’s never been this upset. All he does is read a letter over and over, and each time he does the same thing; touches his shoulders and fiddles with the ring on his silver necklace chain.
I think it has something to do with a girl his parents said he used to know. What happened to her? Why does he grieve for her? He won’t answer my questions. Every time I ask he pushes it away with a “Honey, it’s just my past”.

Hannah,
I never meant to do this to you, I thought I could forget. But, her face is always in my mind no matter how much I want it to go away. I didn’t think you would understand if I told you that after all these years I still can smell her hair; and I can still feel the warmth of her touch. I couldn’t’ tell you; not when I wanted so much to be in love with you, too.

Brian started to change slowly; but I could see. He wasn’t how I met him; he was an old friend unfamiliar to me. His eyes didn’t shine anymore and his smile was no longer visible. His body robotic in a world meant to be much greater.

No doubt in my mind you’ll be able to find someone else. You are beautiful and you have an amazing personality; just not the one that fits the other half of my puzzle. As cheap as that my sound, you’ll know Hannah someday why I’m doing this.

I was at work when I got the call they said he left something for me. At the time I couldn’t understand why he did it, I couldn’t process it. It was a daze all the way home, I saw the things around me but they were meaningless—simply blurs—my mind was set on one thing, one face, one person. I tried to map out his face, exactly how it was. The nose, the eyes, the mouth; but I couldn’t see him happy, no matter how hard I tried.

They gave me this letter, his ring inside the envelope. The letter burned my skin, but the burn didn’t sting.

Ali was everything I wasn’t; smart and funny. Everyone liked her, you would have too. She liked to eat Ben and Jerry’s on Sunday’s and she liked to sing Christmas carols in July. She was a good person, Han, and I made her go away. All these years I still love her and you know what? I still think she’s waiting for me. Know I’ll be safe-- I’m going home.

Love, Brian.

gregorio · 07-02-2008, 04:59 PM

Certainly this is a poignant story. The first half did not seem to flow smoothly. I had to read it several times to get a handle on where the story was going. The second half flowed much better. It was like you switched gears in the middle and caught your stride. “My heels tapped on the concrete, and my tears fogged my vision”, I liked that. May I suggest this, “My heels taped on the concrete as tears fogged my vision.” That is only slightly better because you still have My heels and My vision. Anyway, you certainly have the ability to tweak it even further, if you desire.
"Swallowing one last time, and pulling the trigger." The image is gripping to be sure but it is a sentence fragment. Is that allowed in creative writing?
I am just learning to write creatively myself so this is my two cents. Write on!

kaseyisrad · 07-02-2008, 05:05 PM

Thanks for reading (:

I'll work on the first half some more.