Sonora Desert Sunrise - Writers Forum

Taxiday · 06-24-2008, 11:00 AM

Comments/critiques please - one of a series.

DESERT SUNRISE

The lizard squiggled onto the rock and dropped to its soft stomach. The sun’s rays warmed its cold blood, horny sides pumping as it breathed. Mornings were becoming colder and reptiles found it harder every day to get going. The time would soon come to find a deep hole in which to sleep.

A motion caught its attention. Four legs, in their odd, opposing movements, carried it from the rock in a flash. But, when the bird darted closer, the lizard froze, lifting its head to protrude its bony horns.

The bird cocked its crested head, unsure of what happened to the intended prey. It instinctively sought movement so the lizard’s natural defense was to freeze. The bird’s green-pitted eyes searched for dinner.

The lizard scuttled away, sensing it might have a chance, almost reaching the protection of a rock.

The bird was fast. Its strong bill stabbed, missing the soft sides and grasping the hard head. The lizard instinctively moved, causing the bony ridges on its head to lift, loosening the bird’s grip. It then wriggled into the dirt, trying to bury itself.

The roadrunner was not about to give up. Its strange feet with two claws pointing front and the other two to the rear, tried to pry the horned lizard from the ground.

Red fluid squirted from the lizards eyes, confusing the bird.

That brief hesitation was enough and the lizard wriggled under the rock -- to live until the next encounter.

The bird sidled around the rock for a long time before giving up and running off to find another meal.

The old man and his grandson watched the eternal combat silently, wrapped in their brightly hued hand-woven woolen blankets. The rising sun’s rays not only warmed the rock under which the lizard hid but the backs of the two humans seated nearby.

“Grandfather? Tell me a story, please.”

The boy’s soft words were in keeping with the silence of the Sonora Desert morning. The sun had finished painting the clouds in hues of fire and daytime creatures stirred.

His grandson’s request pleased Professor Redmond. Having retired from a long, distinguished career in academia, he missed telling stories to the students who crowded into his university class on Native American Anthropology. That his half-white grandson wanted to hear the stories instead of remaining ensconced in his room absorbed in computer games was a sign that his influence on the young man bore fruit.

At that moment, a seldom-seen Speckled Rattlesnake slithered out of its den and moved onto a warm rock to bask in sunlight and warm its cold blood.

Grandfather pointed to the snake and said, “Do you wish to hear the story of how the snake learned to bite?”

The boy eagerly nodded so the old man gathered his thoughts.

“After people and the animals were created,” Grandfather said, “they all lived together. Rattlesnake was there and was called Soft Child because he was so soft in his motions.

The people liked to hear him rattle and little rest did he get because they continually poked and scratched him so that he would shake the rattles in his tail.

At last Rattlesnake went to Elder Brother to ask help. Elder Brother pulled a hair from his own lip, cut it in short pieces and made it into teeth for Soft Child.

‘If any one bothers you,’ he said, ‘bite him.’

That very evening Ta-api, Rabbit, came to Soft Child as he had done before and scratched him. Soft Child raised his head and bit Rabbit. Rabbit was angry and scratched again. Soft Child bit him again. Then Rabbit ran about saying that Soft Child was angry and had bitten him. Then he went to Rattlesnake again and twice more he was bitten.”

The old man paused traditionally and Rudi grinned, eagerly waiting for his grandfather to continue.

“The bites made Rabbit very sick. He asked for a bed of cool sea sand. Coyote was sent to the sea for the cool, damp sand. Then Rabbit asked for the shade of bushes that he might feel the cool breeze. But, at last, Rabbit died. He was the first creature which had died in this new world.

Then the people were troubled because they did not know what to do with the body of Rabbit. One said, ‘If we bury him, Coyote will surely dig him up.’

Another said, ‘If we hide him, Coyote will surely find him.’

And another said, ‘If we put him in a tree, Coyote will surely climb up.’

So they decided to burn the body of Rabbit and yet there was no fire on Earth.

Blue Fly said, ‘Go to Sun and get some of the fire which he keeps in his house,’ So Coyote scampered away, but he was sure the people were trying to get rid of him so he kept looking back.

Then Blue Fly made the first fire drill. Taking a stick like an arrow he twirled it in his hands, letting the lower end rest on a flat stick that lay on the ground. Soon smoke began to arise and then fire came. The people gathered fuel and began their duty.

But Coyote, looking back, saw fire ascending. He turned and ran back as fast as he could go. When the people saw him coming, they formed a ring, but he raced around the circle until he saw two short men standing together. He jumped over them, and seized the heart of Rabbit. But he burned his mouth doing it and it is black to this day.”

The boy clapped in delight and the old man was satisfied that yet another piece of lore had been passed to the next generation.

The End

WriterJohnB · 06-24-2008, 11:44 AM

Taxi,

Came here from your query letter post. I've researched Native American Lore in the past and am constantly amazed by how little sense they make. Nobody has ever died, yet they know coyote will eat the dead, eh?

But besides that, I have one suggestion. There's no real segue between the lizard escaping and the actual story, other than "Tell me a story, Grandpa." And the first section has no bearing on the story. Seems to me they should watch a rabbit escape (or not) from a snake and then have the boy wonder why some animals eat others or why snakes bite.

Anyway, just a suggestion. Take care,

JohnB

Mokov · 06-24-2008, 10:08 PM

I would echo WriterJohnB's feelings that the beginning doesn't seem connected enough with the folk lore told. Perhaps by setting the conflict as rabbit vs. rattlesnake, as suggested, there would be more of a connection.

Quote:

and the old man was satisfied that yet another piece of lore had been passed to the next generation.

This kind of sounds like the story was either tedious for the old man to tell or for the boy to listen to. "Yet another piece" seems similar to "Yet again..." It sounds boring.

Other than that, I liked it. Maybe I could better judge it if I were to see the rest of the series.

Taxiday · 06-25-2008, 10:54 AM

As always, thanks for the comments. Will work on it