tsark

well here's my first attempt at a short story, originally done for a competition and my first ever real short story (otherwise its fanfiction, long stories left unfinished and poems!). enjoy!

The alarm roused Steven Northcott from his slumber, his eyelids fluttering open he reached out an arm from his duvet to slap the bedside clock into silence.
He turned over to wake his wife. Sharon had been wonderful, always ensuring she had his dinner ready when he returned from a hard days work, fetching his dry cleaning when his schedule wouldnt allow it, which was pretty often these days.
He had to admit he’d been neglecting the old girl.
Perhaps this was because of Amelia. Beautiful, hot-blooded Amelia.
She had very certain views of the world. Certain, in that she was certain if everyone would just do as she said the world would be a better place.
This was what attracted him to her in the first place, this dominating, all-powerful sense of her own self-worth.
Perhaps this was even more reason to leave Sharon he thought.
Steven smiled at her as she gazed up at him and whispered “Today’s the day.”
“Indeed it is.” He replied, mentally adding ‘and you’re in for something extra tonight.’
Steve had decided to have his penis enlarged. Sharon had been telling him that she was happy with what he had. But the dissaproving glares of Amelia when she wasnt given her daily orgasm caused him to think again.
He had his overnight bag all packed, courtesy of Sharon.
Unbeknownst to her he had also written a letter which explained that, whilst the last ten years had been wonderful, there really was no point in sticking with a godawful situation simply because this was the norm.
He felt it gave her no doubt about seperation being the best thing, whilst at the same time letting her know that he had appreciated her services.
As Sharon headed for the car Steven paused, claiming to have left the oven on despite not being allowed to eat anything before the op, and left the note propped up on the hall table.
He thanked whoever was watching over his life once again for his parisian mistress. Honestly it was almost like a fairy tale, soon he would secure his Cinderella’s attentions for all their happily ever afters.
As they reached the hospital he knew sharon would want to question the doctor fully on everything that was going to happen, he didnt understand why she always wanted to do that.
He was happier letting someone else take the reins.
They were about to be led down the hall by a buxom young thing when Sharon appeared, she had been a while but he didnt take this to mean more than she had been worried about him. He felt a small twinge of guilt at the letter sitting at home waiting for her but quickly shook it off.

He was soon settled in the bed and watched Sharon look around.
A young gentleman was in a bed on the opposite wall, Steven had found himself opposite a homosexual. Steven was loath to associate himself with such people.It was merely a case of aesthetics. He didnt want to be riding the bus, face to armpit with a t-shirt which declared that the owner of said t-shirt munched carpets or some such nonsense.
Sharon stepped forward and introduced them both whether Steven willed it or no.Soon this boy had learnt all their close families details, including birthdays, anniversaries and medical issues.
Sharon announced that she needed to visit the ladies room and bustled off in search of them.
“your wife’s an absolute darling you know!” the boy said, grinning at Steven.
He gave a noncommital grunt as he slid lower between the hospital sheets.
“I mean she just seems so comfortable with just chattering away with people you know? Thats such a rare quality these days I wish I had that, oh I’m Ross by the way, what are you in for?”
The quickfire questions caught Steven by surprise, and he found himself answering politely.
“Steven, I’m having a... rather delicate operation which I’d rather not talk about.”
“Fair enough.” Ross replied gamely. “I’m having my cock removed.”
Steven froze where he sat. Surely he couldnt have heard that right?
“I’ve been waiting for this for ages, I’ve always wanted to be a woman you see and this is the first and biggest op of them all, the final step! After this, even if I change my mind the best I can hope for is the life of a eunuch!” he gave a tinkly little laugh which caused the stunned Steven to attempt a smile in return, this was all he could manage though.
He simply could not believe that someone would be willing to defile their own body in such a way, his penis was his life! He couldnt imagine a day when he hadnt enjoyed time alone with it.
He remembered the day Sharon had been given a birthday surprise of him, a length of ribbon, a smile and little Steven with a bow around his trunk.
He’d never been able to work out why she'd laughed so hard, he thought he’d looked quite sexy.
Luckily for steven Ross was interrupted from his fascinating revelation about how they were going to split his little chap along the shaft then insert it into his pelvic region by Sharon returning from the loo.
“Alright?” she asked.
“Ross was just telling me about the operation he’s having.” Steven told her weakly.
“Oh really? What are you having done to you?” She asked, putting on a sympathetic air in case it was something new to worry about.
“I’m having a sex change!” he declared proudly.
Sharon listened with an odd, suddenly interested look on her face as Ross went into deep detail of what exactly was going to happen to his lower regions, nodding her head and even asking questions in some places.
“Our Steve’s in for something like that arent you Steve?” she said turning to face him with a strange, smile on her face.
“Not at all!” he protested. “I’m happy with my goolies where they are thank you!” he said, folding his arms and attempting to look like he wasnt about to vomit last nights tea all over the bed.
“Oh dont be so shy.” Sharon scolded, before moving to the end of Ross’ bed and looking curiouslyat his chart. “you know its odd but looking at Ross’ chart and looking at yours swetheart..” she took Steven’s chart and held it so she could compare the two side by side. “they both look so different yet you’re both in for the same areas.” Steven hid his face in his hands in embaressment, whilst Ross hid his with giggles.
When both males had recovered themselves Sharon had replaced the two charts and was settling down next to Steven with a rather happier look than she’d had earlier .
“well I suppose I really should let you boys get ready for your big moments. I’ll make sure and pick you up nice and early tomorrow darling, I’ll have the pillows plumped and a place to put your feet up.”
She waved herself out of the room and walked down the corrider
“She seems nice!” Ross said.
Steven pulled the curtains aound his bed.

Soon after a young nurse had given him an injection he felt himself starting to feel sleepy, he was vaguely aware of an equally soporific Ross waving goodbye to him as he went down the corridor.
“No worries now sir, it’ll all be over soon and we’ll get you back with your friend in no time.”
Steven sincerely hoped this was not the case. As he sank into a lovely warm blanket of darkness he found himself thinking once again of Amelia and Sharon.

He awoke with the sound of birds outside the window. He raised his head to see if Ross had returned but the opposite bed was still empty. A doctor was sitting next to Steven’s bed with a kind expression. “Now dont wory too much about speaking I’m just here as a favour to your wife. She asked me to leave you this letter once you’d woken up so I’ve been popping my head round the door every few minutes, now the operation was a complete success and you’re just going to need to make sure you dont strain yourself too much if you find yourself...” but the doctor’s words were interrupted by the shrieking voice of Ross from along the corridor.
“Oh dear, do excuse me wont you?” the doctor apologised and left the room at a run. Steven watched him leave then looked at the letter in his hand.
It took a moment for him to open the letter as he was still a little woozy, but when he opened it he seemed to sober up almost immediately, he read the words on the paper then lifted the sheets and looked down, before, just like Ross, he started shrieking his head off.
The paper, now thrown to the floor, read ‘I know about Amelia, I also switched your charts. Enjoy your sex life bi**h!’

Mokov

Tsark,

Honestly, I didn't like it until I got to the end. Throughout most of the story, it felt like reading erotic literature, especially with the descriptions of the "buxom" young nurse and Amelia and some statements, such as "He decided to have his penis enlarged" and "Something extra for you tonight." The writing was neither powerful nor edgy. Because of the average (or at least, average-seeming) narrative, I had a hard time shaking the feeling of erotic literature.

What I do believe, however, is that you really have a treasure with the succinctness of the story. Every character, every detail, is pertinent to the story. This efficiency of the story is what I believe makes this story great.

In general, you need to fix grammatical errors. For example,
This should be either in italics or have a comma after "Sharon."

Some of the dialogue needs to be capitalized, and I think you missed capitalizing Sharon's name once. Also, "buxom" is descriptive but distracting - don't use it. Don't blank out the word "bitch"; by letting it stand unadulterated you give the ending (Sharon's hatred) more power. Also, please clarify the ending. At first glance it wasn't quite clear what had happened.

In short, improve the general language of the piece and I believe you will have a great short story. Savory and intelligent sentences will upgrade this story from erotic to smart.

__________________
Whether or not you believe God loves you, I know he is real and he loves us. Everything I am is because of him.
Love and Freedom
Foundation and Mystery

ablelaz

Hi Tsark -----I think your story is, or would be very good if told in a more interesting way.

It starters out as a naughty behind the barn story. It only takes on a life when the reader get the impression there is a point to it. I got the idea when he left his note propped on the table, and it was a cute ending, but alas an ending do not a story make.

P S You do have some punctuation and grammar problems, but not a lot.

Talk to you soon---ablelaz.

tsark

Thanks for the feedback and I do appreciate it so please dont think me rude for saying this (I worry about how I sound when its typed conversations!) but beyond GCSE I have absolutely no qualifications or extra learning in writing at all.
So even if you think it might sound mean please feel free to let me know which particular points are missing/incorrect.
For example Mokov, you said that the general language needed improving but I'm not sure what you mean by that (though I do see where you're coming from with the 'buxom nurse' part) and Ablelaz you also mentioned the way the story was told, is there any way you could describe how it could be more interesting for me? in other words speak to me like I'm three years old and I'll probably be able to understand!
Again I really hope you dont think me rude but It's so new to have people give genuine feedback I'm desperate to make sure I can take everything onboard!

thank you both so much!
Tsark xx

ablelaz

Hi Tsark---I think by enlarge you’re putting me on just a little bit. You don’t come across at least in a literary sense as a three year old. In fact your writing for the most part, is very good and that only high lights some of the basic errors in this piece.

Let me point out a few of these, then we’ll get to the way this story is told.

One issue that seems to be consistent is the way you write compound words. Even in your response to our critiques, you write the compound word don’t with the apostrophe strangely missing. All through your piece you use compound words with the apostrophe missing; not a big deal you may think, but it will get you work filed under (G) quicker than many other mistakes.

Your sense of sentence structure seems to be good and then you give us this: -- Perhaps this was because of Amelia. Beautiful, hot-blooded Amelia. This of course is one sentence, the first part introduces the topic, the second describes it. There are many ways this can be written, but breaking it into two sentences is not one of them. Example; -- Perhaps this was because of Amelia—beautiful, hot-blooded Amelia.

You seem to have a problem with paragraph construction and you certainly don’t use spacing to your advantage.

A paragraph should contain one thought, it can be enlarged on over and over but when the basic thought changes the paragraph should change also. Dialog always starts a new paragraph; it can be interrupted by text and then resumed by the same speaker. When a new speaker is introduced a new paragraph is required.

Spacing when one is presenting a story for critique or review he should always double space between paragraphs, it doesn’t improve the writing just the perception.

Thought---some times you use a tag to identify it, the next you use italics. Ether is correct but it is important to be consistent, make up your mind at the start which way you’re going and stick to it.

Voice I experienced some confusion as to who was telling this story. At times it seems like third person, then it seems to jump to first person. I have reread your story and I still get the same feelings, although they are hard to define. Perhaps if the paragraph issues are corrected the voice thing will disappear. The style of this a story is telling and this makes problem too. Try to interject some showing into your writing.

Last story; ---I think you have a smashing story and you have thought it out very well. The part, were he goes back and leans the letter up on the entrance table is quite frankly hard to believe. You have him painted as an incredibly egotistical person, but this is risqué beyond all reason. Certainly not something I would want known, at least till the procedure is finished. The fact hat he wrote the letter doesn’t influence the story because this wife knows all about Amelia anyway. His wife’s action are risqué also, she has admitted in writing, that she changed the charts. That would probably result in criminal charges, certainly a law suit, if not by her husband, than surely by his room mate. Here’s another possible ending, not near as risky , but every bit as satisfying.

It took a moment for him to open the letter as he was still a little woozy, but when he opened it, he seemed to sober up almost immediately.
Hi honey, I have known about Amelia for sometime now. By the time you read this I will have emptied our bank accounts, yes even your secret one. I have re-mortgaged our home which I now leave to you, as a dedication to your faithfulness. As you read this letter I will be high above you on a jet flying to the destination of my new life. I changed the charts between Ross and you, I don’t suppose Amelia will want you now, but perhaps you can find true happiness with Ross. Oh and just a little bit of advice, when you settle into your new life try not to be a bitch.

Talk to you soon---ablelaz.

tsark

Thank you Ablalaz!

These are the sort of things I was hoping to get feedback on as it lets me know exactly what I need to work on in my writing, if it's alright with you I'd like to make a copy of your reply to pop into my own computer so I can check back on it (as I say though If you'd rather just leave it here thats fine too!).

With regards to the ending I think I was going more for the slap bang ending where thats the end of everything, but I can see what you mean about the repercussions being a factor for it.
I think my main problem is rushing my work (this story isn't the best example as it was rushed out to go to a competition so hasn't been proof read as much as needed, otherwise the mistakes would have been spotted by now!) do you know of any tips for stopping and checking the work thats been done? I tend to write and write and write and then worry about what to do with it rather than edit so thats definitely something I need to work on!

thanks again for replying!

Tsark

ablelaz

Tsark----Absolutely, The comments I made are for your use, so feel free to do with them as you wish.

It would seem we are opposites in writing style. You tend to write in a rush, while I write very slowly and methodically. Sometimes it takes me an hour to worry my way though a paragraph. I would like to be able to tell you, that deliberateness results in no mistakes, but that would not be true.

I’m dyslectic which means my spelling is rather poor, the ailment effect my perception of letters, (their order) so it is difficult for me to see my mistakes. Strangely enough my ability to see errors in other people’s work is effected only slightly.

I could suggest that you slow down, relax and have some fun with your writing, rather than look at it as a distasteful choir which has to be hurried.

I know if I write fast, I make a lot more mistakes than I do now, so perhaps it’s worth a try. Drop me a line anytime you wish to discuss literary issue, or anything for that matter.

Talk to you soon---ablelaz.

tsark

Thanks for that!
To be honest I rush because I get too into it, I end up determined to get the words out before they leave my head and dissapear!
I'm quite surprised that you say you're dyslexic, I honestly wouldnt have been able to tell looking at your posts. You definitely lay out your writing much better than I ever have.

Timex

To be honest your sentence structure is confusing enough that I had to reread the story several times. I picked out a few things that bothered me about the story.

The alarm roused Steven Northcott from his slumber, his eyelids fluttering open he reached out an arm from his duvet to slap the bedside clock into silence.
--you shifted tenses in the middle of the sentence, should read like : his eyelids fluttered open and he reached out etc...or, his eyelids fluttering open he reaches out an arm etc...Whatever you do, remain consistent, which in this case would be the first example.

Perhaps this was because of Amelia. Beautiful, hot-blooded Amelia.
She had very certain views of the world. Certain, in that she was certain if everyone would just do as she said the world would be a better place.
This was what attracted him to her in the first place, this dominating, all-powerful sense of her own self-worth.
--when you start a new paragraph don't start referring to someone in their pronoun form without first explaining who it is. I didn't know who you were talking about in the sentence "this was what attracted him to her..." especially when you were just talking about the wife in the previous paragraph.

Perhaps this was even more reason to leave Sharon he thought.
--Don't be afraid to remind who is doing all the thinking, at this point I don't remember who "he" is. It doesn't seem to be a problem later in the story, but the beginning was confusing.

Steven smiled at her as she gazed up at him and whispered “Today’s the day.”
--The way the sentence is written it is very difficult to tell who is talking.

A young gentleman was in a bed on the opposite wall, Steven had found himself opposite a homosexual. Steven was loath to associate himself with such people.It was merely a case of aesthetics. He didnt want to be riding the bus, face to armpit with a t-shirt which declared that the owner of said t-shirt munched carpets or some such nonsense.
--In general this whole paragraph is awkward. In one sentence you tell us he is loath to associate with gays, then the next you tell us it is only for aesthetics (those sentences should be combined as well). The rest of the paragraph is just too wordy. Like I said, just reword the whole paragraph and don't beat around the bush.


The story overall was alright, it needs quite a bit of work (especially in the grammar area). It all gets easier over time, just keep writing and edit it as best you can before submitting it anywhere.

Mokov

Tsark, don't worry, you're not coming off as rude at all. And I think you're a much better writer than you give yourself credit for.

To clarify and answer your question:

The writing is very straight forward. So much, in fact, that it borderlines on being bland. For example,

Beginning at this point, the story seems to become very simple in its narrative descriptions: He did this. She did that. He said, "Yes." He walked and she thought out loud. Etc.

You've heard the phrase, "Show, don't tell"? At this point, I feel that the story contains too much "telling" and not enough "showing."

Instead of telling us that Amelia has strong confidence in herself, show us. Maybe Amelia dared to argue openly with Sharon, maybe she debates everyone at her work or maybe she objects to Steven's opinions of a lot of things. Also, you tell us Amelia is sexy. So sexy her lover is leaving his wife and having his penis enlarged. So, what makes Amelia so sexy? Any particular incident or pose Steven likes to remember? Etc.

In addition to showing rather than telling, inject some flavor into the characters/narrative. Steven seems like an interesting person - he's infatuated with another woman to an extreme degree and disdains his wife. What does Steven think of his wife? Does he like her still at all? Does he hate her guts?
If the story is written from Steven's point of view, why not include something along the lines of "Sharon again - when is that dumb bitch going to learn?" etc.

Pump some attitude into this piece!



I hope that helps.

__________________
Whether or not you believe God loves you, I know he is real and he loves us. Everything I am is because of him.
Love and Freedom
Foundation and Mystery