Sleep, Disturbed (approx. 975) - Writers Forum

Mokov · 06-22-2008, 11:08 AM

Mr. Silvers tried to sleep on his back. But he couldn’t, so he tried his left side. Then he tried his right and face down. His wife’s loud sobbing and cursing came unceasingly from the bathroom. The light was on and the shower fan on high to hide the noise, but it only contributed to the late night cacophony. Worst of all, Mr. Silvers would roll around in his bed, expecting to bump into his wife sleeping peacefully on the left side, as she always did, only to rub against a wad of silky black comforter. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. The clock read either 2:21 or 2:51 or 5:51. His wife let out a sharp, pitiful wail from the behind the door.
Ignore it, Mr. Silvers told himself.

But he couldn’t, and, out of compassion or annoyance or desire for a good night’s rest, he rubbed his eyes again, put on his thick black-framed glasses, buttoned up his pajama shirt a little more and moved towards the bathroom in large, shuffling steps. He didn’t want to step on one of her nice high heels - they hurt more than a broken arm.

Slowly, Mr. Silvers opened the door. The long beige carpet squished comfortably in between his toes. He held his breath and hoped there wasn’t going to be too much blood. Gradually, a woman’s figure reflected in the mirror came into view. Mr. Silvers slipped inside and closed the door.
“They got me, Johnny,” she said. The upper torso of Mrs. Silverstein sat upright in the sink, somehow turned to directly face her husband. Nails black like a predator’s talons, eyes smeared with the black mascara the dead wear, lips shiny black, Mr. Silvers never could remember exactly how strikingly beautiful his wife was, even though he often said he liked her raven hair best. Especially when she wore a white carnation in it, as she had on their honeymoon in the Hawaiians. “Johnny,” Mrs. Silverstein started again, “are you listening to anything I’m saying?”
“Of course.” But he was distracted by the perverseness of her pale chest and the long marks on her cheeks. “What, exactly… um, happened?” He swallowed hard.
“They got me.”
“How? Who?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I don’t know, okay? I’m sorry, Johnny.”
“Well what happened?”
“What do you think happened?” she shot back.

Mr. Silvers walked over to the sink, looking his wife, or at least her upper half, over again. He was about to lay his hands on her, when he suddenly stopped. He didn’t know why, but it occurred to him that he ought to ask permission before he started running his hands all over a dead, naked women’s body, feeling her lips and breasts and examining her cuts and bruises. Then he thought it would be fine because she was his wife and she was dead-‘ish. But then again, he thought, it was just like at the doctor’s office and that certainly wasn’t very comfortable.
“Just do it, Johnny. It’d be worse if I described it to you, trust me,” she said, and frowned. Her cheeks didn’t move with her lips; they were cut on both sides from lip to ear.
“Okay,” Mr. Silvers said and nodded his head hesitantly. He still felt rude, crass. It was just so improper. Yet she asked him to, so he did. He always did have a weak spot for that woman.
He closed his eyes and began. She gasped. His hands moved quickly over her face, chest and arms, lingering only long enough to allow the sensation of touch to register. Silent, awkward minutes passed, but Mr. Silvers saw nothing in the back of his eyelids. He cleared his throat and waited.
“Johnny?”
“Yes?” he answered.
“You don’t see anything, do you?”
“…No, sorry babe, I don’t.”
“They fuck-king raped me and cut me up, Johnny.”
“Oh, so that’s what happened.”
“Yeah, Johnny. That’s what happened.” Mrs. Silvers paused. She tried to frown, but her lips only puckered together. It had been a big, sharp knife, Mr. Silvers realized. Her torso ended so abruptly and the cut was so clean it was like one of those egg-shaped Red dolls he could never remember the name of.

“Johnny,” she began again and he turned his head towards her, “tell me you’re gonna’ do somethin’ about this. Promise me…”
“I’ll see what I can do, okay?” he said, short and curt. “I love you, but, well… ah…”
“But what?” she asked, on the edge of agitation.
“I would just prefer to find out you’re dead by seeing your dead body, or somebody telling me. It’s a little more normal, babe.”
“I suppose.” She smiled and then giggled. Her paper white hands rubbed his playfully. “But how did you think I was ever going to die?”
Good point, Mr. Silvers thought.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’ll make some phone calls, I guess. See what I can do, you know?”
“… Sure,” she said flatly, after a pause.
Mr. Silvers nodded his head, ending the conversation, and backed out of the bathroom. When he had unbottoned his pajama shirt again, submerged himself under the sea of sheets and covers, and turned off all the lights and noisy fans, he eagerly closed his eyes.

“I love you, Johnny.” Mrs. Silvers voice drifted over from the dark, silent bathroom sink.
“I love you too,” he said. Yet somewhere in the exchange of words, the revolting image of his wife, pale-skinned, arms suspended like a praying mantis, sent a shudder down his spine. One night it would stop. One night he could sleep and sleep, never to be awoken by her again. One of these nights she would give up. But for now, Mr. Silvers closed his eyes and rested in peace.

(Thank you in advance for opinions, etc.)

stale911 · 06-23-2008, 02:45 AM

It was odd. The character dialogue seemed off. I did not quite understand the concept in whole of the story, it felt confusing.
The dialogue was mediocre but sometimes seemed unbelievable. If a man found out that his wife was rapped and cut-up by some guy then I think their reaction would be anger, and they would probably want to track down the guy who did it and kill him.

So yeah, it was confusing. It was the wife that was dead, correct?
I probably just missed something or could simply not understand.

On the whole, it was decent. I felt compelled to read it. It was kind of like a brief mystery on to why Mr. Silvers wife was crying and what happened, and who they were, which we still didn't actually find out.

Good effort and I hope to read more from you in the future!

Mokov · 06-25-2008, 12:19 AM

Thank you Stale, I appreciate your comments.

Yes, the wife is supposed to be dead, although if I made it a little more surreal I could have it that the husband is dead.

You said it was confusing. Can you place your finger on any specific places? What in particular proved confusing?

The idea was that Mr. and Mrs. Silvers are some sort of people with special powers, a breed unknown or lost, but I'm afraid I didn't communicate that well enough.

Also, do you feel that not finding out who the wife's killers were was a positive for the story or a negative? Honestly, when I wrote it, I had no intention of even going into who had killed her, although that could be a possibility for exploration.

stale911 · 06-30-2008, 06:16 AM

No problem on the comments. I enjoyed reading your story very much indeed.

As for specific parts that confused me. Just the bits about the connection between the husband and the wife and a couple of lines that you added at the end kinda confused me, but now that I have read over yuor work for a second time I have made sense of it.
This, of course, is just me. Many others will make sense of this the first time they read it, I am sure.

As for yuor question about evealing the killers; I eblieve that it is fine as it is currently. There really is no reason for the killers to be revealed, as it is not completey necassary for the story. I dunno. I just eblieve that the mystery of whom actually murdered Mrs. Silvers should remain.

I did not have any clue at all that Mr. Silvers and Mrs. Silvers had a kind of kinetic powers despite the wife being dead.
I will agree with you, it wasn't very clear in the story.

But I would just like to say again that reading your short story was a joy and I do wish to see more from you in the future.