halfapersona

This is something I wrote awhile ago that I have never shared here. I'm quite fond of it for some reason. Any thoughts are welcome. Cheers.

^_^




after you slurred those words, casual and cutting, the nascent anticipation i cradled caged behind my sternum, a shimmering cotton butterfly, constricted, slid slowly down and stuck fast in my stomach.
the intricacies of your velvet eyes caught the light. flecks of colour glimmered. fragments faded and fell flat against off-whites laced with violent red.
and i stared at you. your bob-cut outlined your pale face reminding me of a portrait framed by mahogany; and i smiled bitterly as i thought of that old saying, the eyes follow you around the room.
your eyes didn't follow me. didn't even look.

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'Heavy words are so lightly thrown.'

Tiamat10

I like the way it reads. I would like it better if you used proper capitalization, and even better still if you used it as part of a character description in a story. On it's own it's random and doesn't serve a purpose.

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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper."
- Steve Martin

halfapersona

Thank you for the feedback. I've always thought of trying to lengthen this out and make it part of another story, but I guess I just feel like that would be adding filler for the sake of creating something of a typical length. If I find the right frame for the rest of the piece though...You've got me thinking about it...

Thanks again.

^_^

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'Heavy words are so lightly thrown.'

Wintermute

I'm on the opposite. I found the reading to be a chore. Lots of clashing imagery and "Purple" vocabulary; verbose beyond compare.

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"How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degrees?
Thou know'st we work by wit, and not by witchcraft;
And wit depends on dilatory time." - Iago

halfapersona

Well you can't please everyone I suppose. Thanks for taking the time to read it, even if it was a chore.

^_^

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'Heavy words are so lightly thrown.'