Timex

Part one-



There was a fifty percent chance of rain. What odds. It was eleven at night, and the moon was illuminating the street better than the street lamps were. My mind was restless and I had nothing better to do than to walk the lazy streets of the neighborhood and watch the occasional car pass. I could almost hear the people’s thoughts of bewilderment as they passed by me in their cars eyeing me suspiciously. “What is he doing out late this night wandering the streets.” Then their minds would race back to the day’s events and the weekend’s activities.

My mind nearly blanked itself as it started raining. The rain always felt nice down in the south. It was warm. The streets were still warm enough from baking in the sun all day to make a little steam bath from the late night shower. The streets briefly turned into a sauna and the effect was exhilarating, enhancing the senses and clearing the mind. But something was wrong. It was lighter outside. The light was not coming from the direction of the sky, but rather farther to the east. And stranger yet, there were no clouds in the sky.

I headed towards the light. I could nearly make out its source as I got closer. A large pyramidal structure amidst the one story houses emitted bright streamers of light that reached to the heavens and faded out of view.

The object was impossibly arranged. It was made very complex, layers upon layers of latticework that formed geometric patterns that taken in all at once dazzled the eye and bewildered the eye. I continued walking closer until I could make out every detail. The pyramid was actually more of a cylinder about the size of silo with a triangular top and angular edges. Beyond the mesmerizing patterns built into it, the more strange thing was that it very nearly floated right into a house. The house and the pyramid occupied the same space, but did not interfere with each other.

My head felt woozy at the thoughts and sights that rushed through my mind. Before my mind had any chance to think further on this impossible construct it abruptly grew brighter and rings expanded forth from the middle and spun slowly around the pyramid.

I felt as though I would trip as I lost perspective. The object vanished and I was left to my thoughts again. I looked around wondering what I was doing out so late. I should really get back. I should really get back to writing my book. I really need to go home where it is safe; there could be any number of dangerous things out here in the night. What time is it? Goodness it’s after one.





Open to criticism. I'm expecting plenty of people to say it doesn't make much sense, but hopefully with more parts it will make more sense. Feel free to make any suggestions about grammar or otherwise (I won't care if you tell me you hate it).

Timex

Part 2-

I woke up early that morning and began writing. As always, I write about what first comes to mind, opening up my brain to my hands and allowing thoughts to translate to print. More often than not my vivid imagination and eye for imagery and details could paint a beautiful landscape or a remarkable character.

My stomach rumbled and I ate my breakfast on the quiet porch under the blissful rays. My mind wandered somewhere among the trees. It was Saturday morning. Nothing to do today except enjoy the sights and indulge the senses. I set my bowl down and thought of where I might take my story.

Thoughts rushed through my mind at the tone of a songbird in the trees. I don’t remember going to bed last night. I don’t remember yesterday. Well that’s not necessarily true. I remember waking up and work, then coming home and lazing on the couch. After that; a blur.

It’s called the tip of the tongue phenomenon. I recognized it almost immediately. When a memory seems just out of reach, but already you can sense you’re on the right track to discovery that is the tip of the tongue phenomenon. The memories were trying their best to burst forth, but they would not.

I started editing my latest story. Something was wrong. I don’t remember writing this. This is not what I wrote at all. And where did this pyramid come from? There are no pyramids in New York, there are no pyramids in this story at all. Odd.


This will probably come in multiple parts.

nineteen

well there's a couple things wrong with this bit in particular. grammar mostly. i mean it's actually not a bad idea for an opening line it's 50/50, it's like my trepidation hen i start because i don't know if it's a happy ending or a sad ending (for example).

but the sentence "what odds" does not make much sense, mostly due to the fact that i sounds like a question rather than an exclamation of shock or disdain. so to mean it read like: "what odds?" which doesn't make a whole lost of sense. and it's a non sentence which is supposed to emphasise something in particular but i could do this more effectively perhaps by slight rephrasing.

"It was eleven at night, and the moon was illuminating the street better than the street lamps were."

this doesn't sit well with me, it's a bit badly phrased. it contains two subjects i think and it's just overall a bit wonky. something like?

"It was eleven o'clock at night [no comma needed] and the moon was providing better illumination than the street lamps."

but reading this i'm not sure what it achevies, normally i think of the moon a big and bright so it's odd that it would be more dull than the street lamps. maybe i'm wrong about that.

i mean: i'm not going to sit and pick out all the problems i just wan tto steer you in the right direction.

sorry needs to be said, far too many full stops.

hmm this story is a bit... messy. i can't read past the first part i'm afraid. partly because of my laziness but partly because it's moving too fast and doesn't make sense. there is a lot of description but you also need to obey some kind of pace in this. you can't just switch from one topic to another so suddenly; you need to provide a linking sentence. there has to be a line of thought running through it for it to be and effective story.

msg me if you would like more help, if i can call it that.

__________________
(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

Timex

Thanks for the help. I'll take your advice and probably just rewrite it. Hopefully I'll have a new version up soon, this type of writing doesn't take long, I've just been too busy these last few days to do anything.