Endless Caricature (About 700 Words) - Writers Forum

Crash_Tomas · 06-06-2008, 09:57 PM

Wrote this in about a half hour. Didn't really think about what I was writing, just went with the flow. So, anything will be appreciated.
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It was as if the lightning was ripping the sky in half; separating it with each of its strikes. The thunder followed less than a second behind making the scene even more surreal. He stood in there watching it, his back against an Oak tree. His eyes, green with a sly look in them would be illuminated as the light flashed. He smiled as the thunder rumbled, almost as if it was tearing part existence. He imagined it as best he could. Floating images danced in his mind. One of him holding a lightning bolt in hand, throwing it at the ground, making a colossal explosion. If there was some way to harness that power, he’d have used it. Not because he wished it so, but because in his dreams, he’d be like a God. He was sheltered from the rain, hearing it fall around him and the tree. His content smile kept him there; fascinated at the wrath of the world.

“Nature is beautiful,” he said aloud. “If I could take its power as my own….” He let his words end, as if hoping that they’d somehow finish themselves.

The storm resumed with continuous streaks of lightning and rolls of thunder as the uninterrupted rain fell steadily. He wanted to stay there until it was over. This show was just so stunning he didn’t want to let it go to waste. For too long had he always ran away; this time he’d watch until it was over. Something inside of him said to outlast the storm and become stronger than it. His sweatshirt was damp along with his shaggy brown hair. The tree was helpful enough, but he’d still gotten wet. The thought occurred to him that this could have been worse. Another smile came across his face, this one more encouraging than the previous.

Somewhere during the storm, he sat on the moist ground, still watching the rain, thunder and lightning. It became like a lullaby, his head began bobbing up and down as he struggled to keep himself awake. I have to outlast the storm, he thought.

He stayed that way, fighting sleep, for about an hour. The rain lightened, the lightning ceased and distant thunder could be heard. A satisfied look came over him as his eyes closed. He opened them suddenly, knowing that the storm was not completely over. He continued watching the rain until it stopped. When it finally did, he let sleep take him by succumbing finally to its might.

“I win,” he said as he slipped off into a dream.

He looked out on a long stretch of highway with nothing but a backpack in his hand, holding it limply, letting it hit ground as he took in the sight. The yellow dashed line ran as far as he could see of the asphalt, there was no end of it in sight, as if that was the entire world; one stretch of road that went on for eternity.

“Eventually,” he said, “the road will have to come back.” He turned around and saw another long stretch of road, seeming to be the end of the same stretch of asphalt. “Which way do I go?” he asked himself. “If I go down this way.” He pointed toward the direction he was facing, “I’d just end back where I started.” He turned around, “If I go this way then I’ll just end here again….

“Even if that is true.” He laughed. “What would the point of it be? There has to be something else out there other than a road.”

With that he began walking down the road, lifting his bag upon his shoulder and taking the journey one foot in front of the other. He wondered if this was what Heaven would be like…if he ever got there, anyway.

“What would you do, Jake?” he asked himself. “Just keep walking, right?” he nodded his head in conviction and let his smile come over him again. “This is what I’d like to do,” Jake said and let his feet guide him down the road. Walking his dream away….

Crash_Tomas · 06-08-2008, 02:50 PM

I started this with an idea of the metaphor. It isn't really something I should explain, cos most of it is in the story. Though, I may or may not have done it well enough. So, if anyone can help, please do.

Shyox · 06-09-2008, 02:05 AM

The character has no depth.

It is a short story, but to me it felt like another one of those 'too cool for school' types people love to write themselves as.

Didn't get the metaphor either, but I didn't think about it too much.

Crash_Tomas · 06-10-2008, 12:17 AM

well, all right. any tips to help me not be too cool for school?

It's not conventional, it was just a quick thing that I wanted to do. after I wrote it, I wanted help to make it better. seeing as this is a writing site and that's what it is for. To help each other...I try doing what i can for other people. But still, I'm not that experienced.

Shyox · 06-10-2008, 01:14 AM

Sorry. I was in a weird mood last night, I didn't even offer good criticism. This is a quick thing. It's not supposed to knock me off of my feet.

The character has depth, I was wrong before. However, he doesn't really show much dimension in this. A character shouldn't just be a means of telling a story or metaphor, it needs to feel alive and breathing to the reader.

First, tell me what the metaphor is. I'm pretty thick with figurative stuff, it's probably my problem.

Crash_Tomas · 06-10-2008, 09:39 AM

well, it's a third person narrative, so I didn't want to get too into him, cos in my view it wasn't that important who he was. Just what he was doing. The storm represented a problem, cos of its power and almost life-changing feeling. It's kind of cliche, but I dunno. So, he wanted to outlast the storm, like you would get through a problem and when it is over, you're left to move on. That's where the dream comes in, since dreams are supposed to be something strive for. So, he dreamt of the road of possibilities, or like all the things he could do. He doesn't know what's down the road, or what to expect, but he decides to go and do it for himself.

I know it's kind of weird, and if I could edit it well enough, I'm sure that it'd be a lot clearer.

I like to represent things with itself, but really not exactly what it is. So, it's not really classic metaphors, but twisted and shifted stuff...

if that makes any sense at all, haha.

AdamK · 06-10-2008, 09:59 AM

Hmm... I did not interpret the story as you did, but my ideas were similar. As for me, the character is trying to prove himself that he is strong enough and that he has any value. He leaves home just to find his own way, the best for his plans. His fight with the thunder is like a first step on his way to discover his own sense of life once again. He is ready to take a risk. He does not run away during the thunder, he proves that he is ready to discover unknown roads that will bring him a new, better life. He is ready to search for solutions which he hoped to find.

Crash_Tomas · 06-10-2008, 12:11 PM

Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to get across. You explained it a lot better than I did, haha. and I wrote it...but yeah. any tips that might help? cos I'm trying to get things across better. Like ways of saying things that aren't awkward.

thanks

AdamK · 06-10-2008, 01:14 PM

Crash_Tomas wrote:

Quote:

any tips that might help?

I like this story very much

To my mind, nothing needs to be improved, the meaning is there as well

It is just required to be interpreted. The way it will be done depends only on a reader's approach. So, do not worry about improving, this story is interesting and it gives (for me) what it should give

I like such a style of writing. I encourage you to read my story... the same idea to put a lot of hidden meaning was used in it (the link is in my signature).

Quote:

There has to be something else out there other than a road.

I hope he will find what he's looking for

Greetings!

Crash_Tomas · 06-10-2008, 02:10 PM

will take a look, thanks!