babygirlmedia

This is a new erra(?) for me so i wanted to see what people thought. thankyou for your time...


THE STORMY NIGHT OF STRANGENESS


“Go to bed now sweetheart” mum said to me.
“Yes mum I have a little homework to do before hand but I will be in bed by 10-15” I replied back.
It was only 9-30 now so I had three quarters of an hour to complete my English essay I had to hand in for tomorrow at school.
I was fifthteen years old but I had always known what career I wanted to head for in life. I wanted to become a freelance journalist so I always made sure English and media studies were amongst the first I did of my homework.
“That’s ok dear, but make sure you are no later in bed than 10-15, you have a job as it is to get up in the morning” mum reminded me.

I went upstairs to my bedroom and glanced out my window at the stormy night. The wind was horrendous making the tree branches tap on my window. It was very eerie outside. I settled at my desk to begin finishing off my essay.

“Hi honey” I heard someone say.
I looked around to see who was behind me. “Dad!” I exclaimed with joy. “Your back, your back”
“Yes honey I am and I will never leave your side again now that I have found you again”
“It was not your fault dad that you left us; it was just the way of life I guess” I reassured him.
“I know but you understand why I had to go don’t you?”
“Of course dad and ill never forget that, I love you daddy and I’m just glad your back, please just don’t leave us again” I begged.
“I am here and I am not going anywhere” dad said.
“Good because I think mum really needs you too as she has not been the same since, she was heartbroken dad that you left us and she did not ever think you would come back ever.” I told him.
Dad looked down at his feet; I could see he was heartbroken of what the past had brought him now. He had missed five years of me growing up of finally becoming the lady I was becoming now. He had missed the birth of my little brother Jacob that year he left too. Mum had never forgiven him for leaving us that day and could not understand as to why he did. She had always thought that there must have been another way and that more could have been done.

“I understand that she may be very sad and lonely, I understand that I left her at a very difficult time but your mum has had every chance to move on and be happy, I would have never wanted her to suffer the way she has”
“Please dad, tell her to be happy again, it has been five years now, she needs help to move on otherwise I am going to loss mum too.” I said with much urgency.
“I wish I could, I wish she would listen and reach out to me but she wont. I want to hold her again close, I want to tell her everything is ok now but she just sits there staring blankly at the TV with a glass of vodka” dad replied sounding desperate.

I suddenly heard a crash of thunder outside, it had made me jump. I looked once again out of the window, the leaves were still scrapping along my window panes and the branches were still tapping against them too. My eyes caught sight of my carpet. There were freaky shadows waving around like stick scary arms from the branches. It took me back to the time when I was about 7 years old and I had woken in the night to a loud bang of thunder followed by a big sheet of light from the lightening. I had always been petrified of storms and I often ended up finding myself looking around my room for monsters and then I would catch a glimpse of a really scary dark shadow and I would just scream and sob my heart out. It was dad who always came running in as I think he always purposely listened out for me. Dad would comfort me and sing me the song `there’s a hole in my bucket`. I loved that song as it just had such a funny meaningless point to it.

“I understand dad, just don’t go again and please be here for us. Help us, help mum.” I begged again.
I think dad was getting frustrated with the hurt and pain that he was feeling because he started to shout..
“LOOK I WANT TO HELP YOUR MOTHER BUT I CANT!”
“Dad don’t shout at me I just love you both so much and I don’t want mum to go too that’s all. Jacob needs you and mum too, he is only five. I don’t want to end up living with people I don’t know, I won’t, I WON`T”. I started to scream back at him starting to recent him for giving up on the great life we once had. Another crash of thunder hit the sky. Dad used to tell me it was just the fairies and care bears moving there furniture around.

Mum must have heard the shouting as I could hear her making her way up the creaky stairs which were long overdue some much needed attention. Dad was going to fix them before he left.
Mum knocked at the door and then opened it, popping her head through the gap.
“Who are you shouting at dear?” she asked looking around my room amongst the shadows on the carpet and ceiling.
“ Dad I am talking to dad. He has come back for good mum he really has, look!” I exclaimed excitedly.
“Oh darling” she said as she opened my door and came in to kneel beside me.
“Dad has long gone sweetie, he will never come back. He can’t its just impossible as much as it hurts us all.”
“No mum he was really here, he came back, he was standing behind me, we were talking just now.” I desperately tried to reassure her.
“Now listen to me” mum cried grabbing hold of me to embrace into a big cuddle which I had not had from her in years.
“Your dad is dead! He is not coming back!, he left us because it was your life or his, he could not let your life at 10 years old just go like that, it was just very sad that the doctors could not do anymore for him. He jumped in front of that car so you did not die, he saved you. I know you feel guilty for that but it is not your fault dear, it is not your fault!”
Mum was sobbing so hard now and I started to sob too.
Finally I felt like mum had finally realized that dad had gone, I think she finally heard herself except it when she was telling me to except it.
I could not understand whether dad had really been there in his ghost or not but that night I finally felt safe again. I believe dad had helped us this stormy night and as promised he was maybe there in spirit. That’s what I believed anyway. I did not say anything else to mum after our much needed embrace together. I think we both decided it was time to let go. Whether dad did really talk to me or not I knew it had been the stormy night that had brought him to us.

© Jemma ozanne

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Yesterday is the past, Tomorow is the future. Today is a gift which is why it is called the present.

SoNickSays...

I think the dialogue needs a lot of work. For a fifteen year-old, the opening dialogue makes her sound surprisingly younger. Also, she kind of rushes into things.

For example:

That's an example of rushed dialogue and grammatical errors.
The beginning needs a lot of work.

Plus, remember the 'Your', 'You're' and 'Their', 'They're', 'There' rule when you edit it grammatically.

Print your work and do this edit with it, with different colours. You'd be surprised how many changes you'd make.

Good luck
Nick

Crash_Tomas

I agree. The dialogue is kind of cheesy. I don't really know many 15 eyar olds who have such great relationships with their parents. She is so proper that it makes her seem fake.

a trick I've heard of to help edit is to read sentences backwards, like last word first, if that makes any sense. It helps, I've been told, though I don't use it...I try reading as a reader and not a writer. When you do that, you can picture the scene better, with the words present, and if you read it out loud, you can hear how it sounds.

but you can try what nick says, cos as his name is SoNickSays...it kind of says it all.

have fun with it. Don't be afraid to really try and make new things better. Cos since it is new, you should give it your all and try to nail it.

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"Broken Promises and Endless Lies, Mindless Guesses and Darkened Skies..." -Thanks Tham~

playstation60

The grammar and spelling errors make this hard to read, coupled with the dialogue, it makes things almost unbearable.

Don't feel as if this piece is without merit. It's certainly got it. I read this and was truly confused up until the end where it is revealed that the dear father was no longer among the living. It was a powerful moment. With some hard work you can refine that exact moment and make the rest of the piece build more toward that moment.

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babygirlmedia

hi there, thankyou so much for your advice. i do really appreciate it otherwise i wont know where my flaws are. i will work on it as soon as i got chance, as when i was writing it originally i had my three kids running around me! i am pleased though that you think it has some sort of potential. This is a new area for me and to get something completely grammatically correct is hard but i will work on it and then maybe when i have done that i could kindly ask you for your advice again? thank you for your time with this.

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Yesterday is the past, Tomorow is the future. Today is a gift which is why it is called the present.