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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 06-06-2008, 11:32 AM   #1
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The Voice - flash fiction

Revised almost to destruction ... any comments are welcomed... thanks.


Through spiralling papers a pin-balling beer can ricochets harshly off the cobbles.
The square is deserted now.

Against this wet blustery backdrop, from somewhere behind the railings, a falsetto voice rings out. Its tone is rich but pricks at the sub-consciousness of nearby light-sleepers.

In a dirty archway, on a squalid bed of rubbish, grease-paint glints hazily in the traffic light's glare. A gin-soaked clown wipes spittle from his lips - smearing the ink teardrop on his fat cheek.

He staggers to his feet and the ketchup-smeared wrapper, which hangs from his tunic, is wrenched free by the biting wind. He braces himself against the weary masonry and, through a flow of steaming urine, his voice peals out again.

Although foreign, these beautiful words resonate with more hope than any mortal could conjure. They clip off the blackened brickwork, and arc out over the rooftops, so that dreaming hearts might be carried up into the ether on their wings.

But precious few stir in their beds.

Is there no soul here? No sense of self in this crop? Perhaps they identify with nothing because, most surely, everything aspires to nothing ultimately.


Last edited by ross : 06-16-2008 at 11:50 AM.
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Old 06-06-2008, 05:35 PM   #2
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Through spiralling papers a pin-balling beer can ricochets harshly off the cobbles.(I can't grasp the image. I think spiralling papers is what stops me.)
The square is practically deserted now.

Against this bleakly wild backdrop,(bleakly and wild don't seem to mix) from somewhere behind the railings, a falsetto voice rings out. Its tone is rich but pricks at the sub-consciousness of nearby light-sleepers. (nice)

In a dirty archway, on a squalid bed of rubbish, grease-paint glints hazily in the traffic light's glare. (I'd delete from "grease to glare' as it befuddles the rest of the picture because you start with grease paint which is odd so it stops the reader so they can try to figure out what is going on only to start up again and find the clown. You could also bring the clown in early then go to grease paint and it would work) A gin-soaked clown wipes spittle from his lips - smearing the ink teardrop on his fat cheek. (Nice image)

He staggers to his feet and the ketchup-smeared wrapper, which hangs from his tunic, is wrenched free by the biting wind. He braces himself against the weary masonry (very nice - weary masonry)and, through a flow of steaming urine,(though the idea it portrays - a VERY drunk clown, I think it detracts from the flow) his voice peals out again.

Although foreign, these beautiful words resonate with more hope than any mortal could conjure. (I don't like the use of mortal in this sense. Perhaps find another reference. 'More hope than ... a cloud of butterflies on a spring day. The crashing in of the gates to the gulag, that a siren in a smoke filled room. The mortal thing just seems to reek of fantasy. Just me of course)They clip off the blackened brickwork, and arc out over the rooftops, so that dreaming hearts might be carried up into the ether on their wings.(not too bad)

But precious few stir in their beds.

There is no soul here, no sense of self, not in this crop. They identify with nothing because everything aspires to nothing ultimately.(this conclusion is strictly the writers because you've given the reader no place to join you in your assessment so reader's may walk away here. Give them a reason to agree or make it the clowns opinion.)


Some very nice writing here.
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Old 06-15-2008, 05:06 PM   #3
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Interesting...but obscure. I don't quite get it.
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Old 06-15-2008, 05:34 PM   #4
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Here is a perfect example of well crafted nothingness.Reading this peice for me is like sitting in a room wearing earplugs and listening to very beautiful classical music. Get the picture?
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Last edited by Wildcard : 06-15-2008 at 05:39 PM.
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Old 06-16-2008, 02:53 AM   #5
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Thanks very much for the feedback.

Phurst, I thought you made some very useful comments many of which I've taken your advice upon - thanks...

WriteStuff, sorry you didn't get. I am trying to be abstract, but not obscure - so somethings possibly not working out.

Wildcard, it obviously didn't work for you either - there is a point to it, it's not about nothing - although it making you feel that way is kind of appropriate.

It's a social commentry. The clown is symbolic...

Last edited by ross : 06-16-2008 at 03:04 AM.
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