childrens story - Writers Forum

babygirlmedia · 06-02-2008, 04:48 AM

Hi all i would really appreciate any comments regarding my short story below, this is a reasonably new area to me but i have many ideas and also love writing them. anyway please read and let me know what you think, criticism is very welcome.

thankyou if you do read x

“Oh No Kaden!”

Our baby brother is only seven months old and his name is Jacob. I am six years old and my name is Kai and my other brother Kaden, is two years old.

One Saturday afternoon Kaden and I were playing nicely in the playroom. We loved our playroom as mummy had painted a blackboard onto one of the walls and put up number and alphabet posters up for us to look at and learn. We were always drawing silly pictures on our blackboard. I would draw people and houses and well, Kaden was not so good at drawing people and houses so he usually just scribbled. Once we had drawn all over the blackboard, we would get a damp cloth and wipe it clean again so we could start all over again. It certainly was a lot of fun.

Mummy decided to bring Jacob into our playroom that afternoon and she put him in his bouncy chair so he could watch us play. Mummy went to the kitchen and started baking us some cakes. Kaden and I loved mummy’s cakes.

Jacob sat in his bouncy chair looking at us. “Ok Jacob so what are we going to play?” I asked him inquisitively.
Jacob said nothing; instead he just smiled back at me.
“Shall we do some more drawing on the chalkboard and draw Jacob a special picture?” I asked Kaden.
“Yes please, more drawing please kai” he replied.
“Ok Kaden, I’ll draw a cat this time as Jacob loves our cats and you try and draw Willow our rabbit”. I started to draw a cat and just as I was about to draw its ears I turned around and noticed that Kaden had given Jacob chalk and he was eating it! “Oh no Kaden!”
“MUM! MUM!” I shouted at the top of my voice. “Kaden has given Jacob chalk to eat!”

Mum came rushing in from the kitchen and looked horrified at the sight of mushy chalk around our little brother’s mouth.
“Jacob is not allowed chalk, he is far too little and is likely to be sick” mummy explained to Kaden and me.
“Jacob draw mummy” Kaden whimpered realizing he was being told off by mummy.
“When Jacob is your age then he can draw but not at the moment he is only a baby” Mummy continued to explain.
Mummy took all our chalk away just incase it ended up in Jacobs mouth again.

I looked at Jacob and Kaden and sighed “now what are we going to play?”
Kaden looked around the playroom to see what we could do.
“Cars! Cars! Play Cars please Kai” he exclaimed.
“Ok Kaden that’s a good idea and Jacob can watch us” I replied.
Jacob just laughed and bounced in his chair quite happily.
“Vrmmm….Vrmmm” Kaden went as he drove his car into the toy garage.
“Brummm, brummm”. I was quite good at making super car noises and I did like playing cars with Kaden as it was more fun than on my own. We get to race them and see who wins.
“Look Kai, Jacob got car” Kaden pointed at Jacob.
“Oh No Kaden!” I cried again. “I am not to sure Jacob is allowed very small cars” I said.
“MUM! MUM!” I shouted again for the second time. “Kaden has given Jacob a very small car to play with and Jacob is eating it!”

Mum rushed into the playroom again and fished the little red car out of Jacobs’s mouth that Kaden had given Jacob. Jacob started to cry, he seemed to have liked playing cars with us.
“Jacob is not allowed small toy cars, he is far too little and is likely to swallow the wheels” mummy explained.
“Sorry mummy” Kaden said sadly.
“It is ok this time as no harm is done but please do not give Jacob anything small” mummy said as she looked over the playroom for any more hazards.
“The cakes will be ready in a minute to eat, so when I am done I will bring you some in with a drink of juice”. With that mummy walked off back to the kitchen.

Jacob was quiet now and was chewing on his teething keys which mummy had given him to replace the little small toy car.
“Ok Kaden, Now what are we going to play?” I asked him.
Kaden just shrugged his shoulders this time and said “You choose please Kai”
I looked around the playroom and wondered. It was not hard because we did not have many toys, it was just a case of that we had too many toys to play with. I chose to play with my action heroes after much thought.
I gave Kaden an action hero which had an army suit on, and black boots.
I had an action hero which was a wrestler and he had a gold belt around his waist and if you pressed the button at the back of the belt, then his legs kicked. This was my favourite action hero.
Kaden and I played with our heroes and pretended to save each other from difficult places. Kaden helped rescue mine from the top of the toy box and I helped rescue Kadens from the top of the blackboard. It was a lot of fun. We carried on playing with our action heroes when Kaden decided to see if his action hero could fly and then before I could do anything the action hero landed on Jacob and he started to cry really loud. “Oh No Kaden!”. He had done it again.
“MUM! MUM!” I screamed over Jacob’s crying. “Kaden has thrown his action hero and it landed on Jacob’s head”

Super hero mummy came running to the rescue again for Jacob.
“Kaden, I know you are trying to play but you really must remember Jacob is far too little and throwing action heroes around will hurt him a lot” Mummy said more crossly this time.
“I…i….only wanted my hero to fly” Kaden muttered very quietly.
Mummy lifted Jacob out of his bouncy chair and sat him balanced on her hip.
“Right, so who wants a cake and some juice?” mummy asked us.
Kaden and I jumped with joy and ran to the kitchen with mummy and Jacob following behind.
There was a big plate of different cakes. Some were cherry cakes, some were fairy cakes and some were just nicely iced with sprinkles on the top.
I had already decided which one I would like. Kaden could not really see the different collection of cakes as he was too small to see above the kitchen table properly. So I helped him by lifting the plate down to his level. Kaden chose a fairy cake with butter icing in the middle. I chose the iced, sprinkle cake of course. They were really delicious.

Mummy had made us some juice too. I had some apple juice and Kaden had some Orange juice. My apple juice was in a green cup with a blue straw and Kadens orange juice was in a red cup with a yellow straw. The telephone started to ring upstairs and mummy had to run up and get it.
Jacob too had enjoyed a snack in his highchair. Jacob had kiwi and strawberries but mummy had not given him a juice yet.
I think Kaden had felt sorry for Jacob and decided to let Jacob have his orange juice. Only I did not think Jacob could drink out of a straw yet and before I knew it… SPLOOSSH. Jacob had Juice all over himself. ”Oh No Kaden”. I covered my eyes with my hands and shook my head.
“MUM! MUM!” I shouted for what I hoped was the last time. “Kaden has given Jacob his juice and now Jacob is soaking wet and very sticky”

At this point I felt very sorry for Jacob and for mummy too as she came rushing in once again.
“Oh Know Kaden, you really have done it this time” mummy sounded disappointed with Kaden.
“I just wanted to help mummy” Kaden said, knowing full well what he had done.
“Well Jacob is far too little for orange juice in a cup with a straw and as you can see he has got very wet and sticky” mummy shook her head.
“Look Kaden” mummy began “Jacob is still only a baby. Babies can only do so much at this age; they can cry if they need help, they can play with their special toys, they can eat some finger foods which mummy or daddy gives them, they can even feed themselves juice or milk providing its in either their juice cup or bottle. Jacob is still learning to do all the things you and kai can do but it takes time. Jacob is still yet to learn how to crawl and walk. He also needs to learn to talk like you too. Do you understand?” mummy asked in a gentle voice.
“Now I understand mummy” Kaden replied. “One day Jacob do chalk drawing on blackboard with kai and me, one day Jacob play with toy cars with kai and me, one day Jacob play super heroes with Kai and me and One day Jacob drink Orange juice out of red cup with yellow straw” Kaden carried on without taking a breath.
“Yes Kaden, one day Jacob will be big like you” mummy smiled.

I gave Kaden a hug and said “Kaden you can always play with me as I am big and I have learnt to do those things already” I did feel slightly sorry for Kaden as he had not understood like me that Jacob was too small. I had learnt already from Kaden being a baby himself. There was one time I had too given Kaden small things and things he should not have had.
Mummy took Jacob up to get changed from his sticky clothes and to put him to bed for a nap. I once again looked at Kadens disappointed face and then suggested we just sit quietly and read some books. Kaden seemed happy at my idea except after just five minutes of reading books, I looked around the lounge and Kaden was nowhere to be seen. “Oh No Kaden” I muttered in my little angry voice.
“MUM! MUM!” I shouted. “I think Kaden has gone to wake Jacob up to read books”

“Okay, Okay, I am coming” mummy said coming into the lounge with a big pile of washing in her arms.
Mummy and I went upstairs to Jacobs’s nursery and sure enough there was Kaden.
But Kaden had not woken up Jacob. Kaden was not showing Jacob books. Kaden was not doing anything at all.
Kaden was lying next to Jacob in his cot sound asleep just like a baby.

(c) jemma ozanne

Olly Buckle · 06-02-2008, 05:33 AM

I am unclear which age group you are aiming at, the progression of incidents is the sort of thing aimed at a younger child but the style of telling is more complex. It is as though you have not quite decided between aiming it at the first person or Kaden's age group. I think the first person should have got a name at some point, names are important to children.
I think you got a bit muddled here:-
I looked around the playroom and wondered. It was not hard because we did not have many toys, it was just a case of that we had too many toys to play with.

Maybe you just meant that they didn't have many toys but there were too many to play with them all at the same time? I don't know but for a children's story it has to be crystal clear.
I would suggest aiming it at the younger age group and making everything shorter with a simpler sentence structure, it has some nice potential for illustration.

babygirlmedia · 06-02-2008, 06:59 AM

yeah i think phurst mentioned something about my mixed sense of wording and i understand totally. (my other short childrens story is on 2nd page i think of this forum) and i am getting confused. it is aimed for children between 2-5yrs. i have three children and i am only going by what my children understand i guess. maybe i just thought that if the mum or dad reading it then i thought it may make sense more to the child? so is what your saying i need to keep it shorter than mumble on with extra words and explanations that dont really need to be there? thankyou for your help. x

Olly Buckle · 06-18-2008, 04:38 AM

Sorry to take so long answering, I made one attempt before on some one else's computer and got interrupted, now I am back on my own computer I'll try again.

One Saturday afternoon Kaden and I were playing nicely in the playroom. We loved our playroom as mummy had painted a blackboard onto one of the walls and put up number and alphabet posters up for us to look at and learn. We were always drawing silly pictures on our blackboard. I would draw people and houses and well, Kaden was not so good at drawing people and houses so he usually just scribbled. Once we had drawn all over the blackboard, we would get a damp cloth and wipe it clean again so we could start all over again. It certainly was a lot of fun.
I am taking this paragraph to illustrate, sorry about the change in font, it just did that to me.

Firstly simple means definite as far as little children are concerned so I would say something like "It was Saturday afternoon" rather than "One Saturday afternoon"
I love the "playing nicely", it's just the sort of thing that adults say and children repeat without always understanding the exact meaning
. I would leave out the word "as" from the next sentence, it might imply that the blackboard and posters were the only reason they loved their play room. It turns it into two short sentences but the relationship between them is obvious without excluding other things. "To look at and learn" has a slightly stern ring to it, maybe something like "Kaden just looks at them , but I am beginning to learn them" celebrating her achievement rather than setting her a task.
The next bit goes abstract again, how about "That Saturday we were drawing silly pictures on our blackboard" Then it should become can rather than would in the next sentence and you have put in one too many "ands".
"I can draw people and houses well, Kaden is not so good..."
The next sentence has two "agains" in it. It might sound more fun if you split it into two parts. Once we had drawn all over the blackboard we would get a damp cloth and wipe it clean. Then we could start all over again.
I hope I have got over the idea of what I meant by keep it simple. The degrees of meaning we take for granted they are just starting to grasp, things like past, present and future seem "natural" to us, you can see they are not when you find out that other languages do not always have them (some talk in terms of reported events or events the speaker witnessed for the past and only in terms of expectation for the future).
I don't know how I missed the tellers name at the beginning in my first comment, sorry about that, but I would suggest you use it through the story so that when Kaden says "Look Kai Jacob got car" you use the exact same words each time, except for the thing Jacob has got of course. The closer the repetition the more likely the listner is to see the connection, see what's coming and be squirming with anticipation.
I really think this has potential and it is nice to see someone that enjoys their kids, one of my first jobs before I was married was looking after a group of two year olds in a day care centre and I have always had a special attachment to that age group, though my own now range from 32 to 16

babygirlmedia · 06-18-2008, 04:47 AM

Thankyou so much for reading that over and giving me some real sound advice. i will go through and correct some of the phases, thankyou very much. appreciated alot.