I agree there's more 'meat' needed, but overall, some good writing.
Quote:
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When he was younger he always took pride in his appearance – in fact whilst we shared the clothes of our elders, father cut a dash at his club, but; failing eyes; a lack of concern; and a general overall world-weariness took precedence. He pretended to care, but in fact it just didn’t matter very much any more.
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Some issues here: ‘When he was younger he always took pride in his appearance – in fact, whilst we shared the clothes of our elders, father cut a dash at his club, but, failing eyes, a lack of concern and a general overall world-weariness took precedence. He pretended to care, but in fact, it just didn’t matter very much anymore.’ This is how i would have written it.
But, descriptive and interesting, indeed!
Have you read The five people you meet in heaven, by Mitch Albom? Has some interesting things to say about the same theme, in a round-about way. Kind of where i got my 'voice' for, for the sands of time. By the way, thanks for your comments on that story - it was damn hard to write!!
