thalion

Nadia said the final “goodbye” and at last got out of her friend’s house. The lanterns were casting dim light on the pavement, but still the neighbourhood looked rather dreary. She trembled and reconsidered taking a taxi. But her house was only few streets away, it would be senseless to waste money. And by the bye, what could happen to her on such a short distance? No, walking home would be the best solution, and a very good exercise, as she wanted to lose weight.

The moon and the stars shone onto the sleeping world, as Nadia crossed the main street and entered the narrow streets of her neighbourhood. Suddenly, she found out that a man had been following her from her friend’s house. He walked after her at some distance; however, as she got closer to her house, he speeded up the pace, as if to catch up with her. At that thought, she felt a sudden wave of heat running up her head and burning her ears. The tears of fear ran to her eyes, but she decided to walk steadily and start running only when he would make some unexpected movement. She turned right and left in a vain attempt to make him lose the way; however, he was still getting closer. She stopped, pretending to pick a flower from a tree at one house’s gate. He made few more steps and then stopped also, making himself tie his shoe.

Nadia could not stop herself anymore. She screamed with fear and ran as quickly as possible towards her house at the end of the street. The man, unfortunately, also sprang to his feet and rushed after her. Her high heels did not let her run as fast as she would like to, and so the long-legged individual wearing sportswear quickly caught up with her and seized her arm. Nadia could not think soberly anymore. The only thought running through her frightened mind was, “why, oh, why didn’t I take the taxi?!”. She could not see the man’s face, because his cap shaded it and even the lamp of a lantern nearby could not light it up. She made an endeavour to free herself by pulling her arm as strongly and violently as she could, but the man was too strong and smart for that. She had no other choice then, but to scream, so she opened her mouth to take a really deep breath. Then the man laughed, and to her surprise it sounded familiar. He took off his cap and looked into her eyes ironically.

Her eyes widened with surprise and anger, and she immediately took her bag in her hands and started to hit the man on his head. In that manner they reached the house gate that was opened for them by their father. He had to separate them immediately, for if he hadn’t , his son would have been killed by his angry sister, who forgot that she asked her brother to come and pick her up. As the young man saw her walking alone, he decided to make a joke that would keep her remembering what she does. Anyhow, Nadia thought that joke rather not funny and went in not uttering a word, until she entered her own room, locked the door, and cried all her previous fear out.

Non Serviam

Bear with me here please! It's been way too long since I popped in here and critiqued someone, and I'm out of practice. Let's see if I can still do it.

A piece of advice you'll see repeated lots and lots on writing forums and in critique groups is "show don't tell". It's not always good advice, but I think you might do well to bear it in mind.

"Tell" is when the author simply comes out and says something. Such as:

It was dark.

"Show" is where the author gives you a visual, or at least sensory, cue. An example from your story is:

The lanterns were casting dim light on the pavement.

This is showing the darkness, rather than telling it -- so it makes your story stronger. Do you see?

So you started well, with visual images, but it all went to pieces with this sentence:

Suddenly, she found out that a man had been following her from her friend’s house.

That's pure telling rather than showing. With such an important (and scary!) part of your story, you need to show it, in such a way that the reader feels Nadia's fear. So slow down--describe how Nadia realises there's a man following her. Does she hear his footsteps echoing in the deserted streets? Does she see his shadow looming over her own? You can take three or four whole paragraphs over this bit, and I suggest you do!

Then just keep on rewriting the piece, slowing down, showing us what happens rather than telling us, and it'll be a whole lot stronger.

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thalion

Well, thanks. Sure I'll bear you. I just beginning with short stories, so any critique will help me a lot. And the problem with my teachers here is that they don't like when something is complicated, so I have to simplify the story as much as I can. It was originally twice longer, but I was afraid they'll just throw it away... I like to make things a little messy, you know. So you say the beginning was fine. Then I'll try to produce something more "showing" than "telling", and we'll see...