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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 05-31-2008, 12:43 PM   #1
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A Nighttime trip to Dun'Baldir

Snowflakes the size of your fingernail rent the air. The wind was a fierce razor against Ron's back. Sledding had not been the best idea. The hill was longer than he thought. The dorm parents would be very angry with him when he got back. IF he got back. He must have been half a mile downhill from the school by now. A small in width cliff separated him from his bright red sled, which had gone flying. There was a small series of footholds along this cliff, and he stepped from one to the other. A single misstep would send him hurtling into a white abyss. He could not see the bottom. One more step.. one more.. His foothold crumbled beneath him and he made a mad leap for the other side. Pulling himself up with his forearms he grabbed his sled and looked back. Half the footholds he had used were cracked severely, one had completely crumbled and fallen who knows how far. He looked down. To his surprise, the rock that had fallen was still visible, as a dot. He did not want to know what was down there.
Turning, he pressed on, leaving a trail of deep footprints behind him. Every step was a marathon, soon he would be too tired to move on. He tried not to think of such things. One more step, one more foot toward home.. or away? Did he even know where he was? Cold thoughts rushed through his mind like subways through a station, not taking a moment to stop for tired passengers to board.
Ron stopped. He could not move, he was bound to the snow covered ground as if frozen solid. His heard raced. Could it be? A light, a light! Far off, but he could make it. Maybe they had food and heat, they must! He ran, as fast as a fourteen year old boy can run in two feet of heavy snow. It was almost as slow as his walk. The light slowly came closer until he could see where it was coming from. A door going into the side of a cliff, covered in icicles, had been left ajar. Who had a house in a cliff? For a moment he expected to find a horde of dwarves defending their mountain keep. He had read too much fantasy. He ran the final stretch and grabbed the door by the handle. He could barely open it, he had to wedge himself between the door and cliff and push with all his decaying strength. He got the crack just wide enough to fit him through if he turned his head. He had no thought of knocking. Warmth was higher on his priority list than manners. He took a moment to adjust to his surroundings. It was dark, wall torches descending the spiral stone staircase were the only source of illumination. Step after nervous step he made his way down the infinite staircase. When could he rest? There was no wind here, and he felt warmer and warmer as he went down. The staircase came to an end and a dark corridor followed. There was still nothing on the stone walls but torches and a door up ahead. Ron felt like he was in a dungeon. He passed by the door. He stopped for a second, took a few steps back, and knocked on the door then tried to open it.
“Damnit” Ron whispered to himself. It was locked. Sighing, he continued down the corridor. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe he should go back.
“Who are you?” a deep voice came from behind Ron. He spun around. A tall man wearing leather studded armor and holding a heavy looking curved and double bladed sword by his side. Ron's first impulse was to run, but there was nowhere to run.
“Actually” The man said. “judging my your clothing and the snow covering you from head to toe, I don't think I would know you anyways. And no, I'm not going to hurt you.” Ron was relieved, but still nervous of the sword.
“This is just for the trolls.” The man added matter-of-factly, tapping his blade. That didn't help Ron's nerves. He tried to think of something to say but was somewhat speechless. After standing in place for several silent seconds, The man stepped forward.
“You will want to come with me. By the way, my names Alric, I'm the head sentry of Dun'Baldir.” Alric said as he began to walk the same direction Ron had been heading.
“How far is it?” Ron croaked, incapable of normal speech in a time like this.
“Not far, the lighting makes everything look bigger.” was Alric's response. He removed ring of keys from his belt and brushed the dust of the wall at the corridor. Ron's first thought was that it was a dead end, but as Alric brushed all the dust off the stone the wall became more clearly a door. He slid the key into a small hole and turned it around twice. He pulled it out and the door receded into the floor, revealing a breathtaking sight. It appeared that they were in a huge rectangular hole in the rock. There was a small opening which he assumed lead back up to the surface, because snow drifted lazily out of it. There were walkways build along the sides of the rock, with buildings seemingly carved right into it. There was a catwalk over the middle of this city, and Ron was lead onto it. Snow piled in the middle of the bridge, only to fall of the sides when it piled high enough. He looked down. Snow fell in an everlasting stream until it faded into the darkness. He didn't like heights. There were no handrails on the catwalk and he could not see ground below. He turned to Alric, who was walking on his right.
“Where are we going?” Ron asked, almost fearing the answer.
“The lords sanctum.” Alric responded. “He will decide if you can stay”
“My school isn't too far, I could probably just walk back in the morning when the snow lets up, I'm sure they're worried about me.” Ron said, nervous of meeting anyone these people called “lord”.
Alric didn't say anything, only sighed. They passed the pile of snow overflowing off the edges of the catwalk. On top of the snow pile a large rock sat.
“How did that get there?” Ron muttered. Alric shrugged. Ron remembered the foothold falling off the cliff and gasped. He knew where he was. “The school should be half a mile north and a good bit upward...” he thought to himself. The stone bridge came to an end and Ron relaxed. They were now walking along solid ground. Houses and shops built right into the stone were on his left. Crowds of people, having no fear of falling, walked along with their children and families, shopping for trinkets, food, and other assorted goods.
“This way” Alric said as he pulled Ron toward a door next to a baker's shop. Once again searching his ring of keys, Alric this time used a bronze old looking one. Ron noticed the key next to the bronze one was definitely machine made. While the rest of the keys looked dark and crude, this one looked like one you may use for your car or house. It had text embossed into the side: Basement. Ron chuckled to himself. Was this the key to the city or did the city have a basement? The heavy stone door receded into the floor like the previous, and went back up as Alric pulled a lever on the other side. The door had revealed a long corridor with guards, similar in appearance to Alric, along the walls. He greeted each one has he walked, in a sort of foreign salute. It took a good five minutes just to get to the end of the dark corridor. There must have been hundreds of guards along here. The corridor led to a large round chamber with a large gem encrusted gold throne in the center, a man sitting upon it who Ron assumed to be lord of Dun'Baldir. There was a large metal door in the back. The lord was speaking with two other important looking men when Ron entered aside Alric.
“My lord” Alric said in a raised voice while bowing his head. “I found this one by the old stair, he is an uplander.” Ron looked around nervously. He slowly removed the ring of keys from Alric's belt and put them in his own pocket. He glanced over at Alric, he had no idea. “I soon may need these more than he does.” Ron thought to himself.
“Leave me with him. There is much to talk about.” The lord said.
“Yes my lord” Alric bowed and turned around, walking out. Ron felt uneasy, a chill ran down his spine. The lord surprised him with his next question.
“What of the war with Germany?” he asked. “Are you winning? Have you yet saved the Jews from their camps?”
“W-We won that one. The Jews are ok now.. the German leader killed himself in the end.” Ron answered.
“Ah, that is a relief. We have not heard from the uplanders in many years, it is most exciting to meet another. Have you any other news?” The lord questioned, he seemed interested. Ron nodded, feeling less uneasy.
“We.. uh.. made a machine.. that can fly really far, and we took a person up onto the moon, and we got a robotic car to mars.” The lord gave Ron a puzzled look.
“I'm sure you did, but I have no idea where moon is, nor mars. I am sure you have questions for me, feel free to ask them.” The lord said in a kindly voice.
“Yeah actually.. um.. how would I get back to my school from here? Because I'm going to be in a lot of trouble as it is. There are probably a lot of people looking for me.” Ron asked, hopeful now that he was no longer so afraid. The lord let out a sigh.
“What would your people do if they knew of our existence? I have heard stories. We once let an uplander return home and he came back with a thousand men to take our home from us. It is nothing personal, but it is to dangerous to let you leave.” The lord said. “I am sorry this had to happen to you.” Ron's heart stopped. He quickly looked around. They did not expect him to run, neither the lord or the guards.
“I...I didn't like it there anyways.” he tried to say as clearly as he could. Ron was terrified. His legs were jelly. He could only guess what they would do to him if he made a run for it. Where would he go? The door behind him had locked when Alric had left. That only left the door behind the lord on the other side of the sanctum.
“I have something you may want to see... I found it on the staircase.” Ron said, hoping the lord would take this bait.
“Well bring it here boy, then I will find a place for you to stay.” The lord responded. He had given Ron the opportunity he needed. He walked to the center of the sanctum and just as he approached the lord he stopped and spun around.
“Did you hear something?!” he said in his best fake terror. Perhaps it was real terror, only not for the reason he made the guards think. “I think I heard a cough from behind the door I came in. I think someone is spying.”
“Guards, check it out. Don't worry uplander, if anyone is spying they will take care of them.” just as the guards were at the door, Ron ran to the metal door at the opposite of the room as fast as he could. The guards were quick and could easily overpower him, but he had a big head start, and they did not notice his actions until he had the metal door open. Surprise filled him when after opening the door and running in he found himself in an elevator. He looked at the buttons. Floor one, two, three, and basement, which required a key. He quickly withdrew the ring of keys from his pocket and tried the “basement” key. It fit. He spun it and hit the button for floor three, hoping to get as high as possible and escape before the whole city was looking for him. The door closed just as the guards arrived. The elevator shot up so fast Ron's legs hurt from the pressure. He counted the seconds. How long would this last? At two minutes exactly, the elevator began to slow. Ron felt light headed from the trip. He heard a brief ding and the doors opened. He expected guards to be waiting for him. Instead, he found his school librarian.
“Students are not supposed to be riding the elevator unless handicapped, what are you doing here?” she said. He took a brief look around and discovered he was surrounded by bookshelves and in the school library.
“Uh.. my friends dared me to do it, I'm sorry, I wont do it again.” Ron said, hoping this response would fly. The librarian nodded.
“You are lucky I was the one who found you, don't let me catch you in there again, ok?” Ron nodded. The librarian walked away. He wondered what to do about Dun'Baldir. He decided it would be best if the city was destroyed, but war was not on his to do list. He threw a bible from a nearby shelf into the elevator. He put the keys back into the basement keyhole and hit the button. The elevator went back down without him.
“I'll let them ruin their own society.” he muttered to himself, and walked out of the library. The snow had let up. Nobody appeared to be looking for him. Ron walked back to his dorm and went through the window to enter his room. He threw off his clothes and got into bed. He was out the second his head hit the pillow.
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Old 06-03-2008, 12:42 PM   #2
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I like muffinz. i liked it and things... "he was out the second his head hit the pillow" is pretty hopelessly cliche. If you read a shitload, your writing will improve immediately. That being said,

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Old 06-04-2008, 04:00 PM   #3
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The feel was

off. It lacked a certain tension, and didn't fit the situation. Maybe if you went back and started the story as he was sledding, it would flow better and give you something to ramp up to.
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Old 06-04-2008, 07:21 PM   #4
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'"he was out the second his head hit the pillow" is pretty hopelessly cliche.'
i know, its horrible. i was really sick of writing and had a place to go so the last bit was quite rushed.

"The feel was off. It lacked a certain tension, and didn't fit the situation. Maybe if you went back and started the story as he was sledding, it would flow better and give you something to ramp up to."
eh it was directly based on a dream, i did not want to add more to the beginning or end than was already in my mind.
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Old 07-02-2008, 06:51 PM   #5
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I liked the story. Is this a sentence fragment, "A tall man wearing leather studded armor and holding a heavy looking curved and double bladed sword by his side."? There were a few other awkward phrases along with a couple of typos.
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