OnTheRun - Writers Forum

Monkuta · 05-28-2008, 02:18 PM

Oh my god, oh my god. They're coming. What do I do? Okay, calm yourself. What was that? Sounded like a door crashing down. Run! Up the stairs down the hallway! Crap, there they are! Where do I go? Back down? Good. Turn, no! They're down they're too! Footsteps, running, they saw me! Up! The roof! Why are there so damn many stairs! Gah, what was that? They brought guns! Damn, damn, damn! Faster!

There's the door! Come on, don't be locked... Yes! Okay, on the roof, now what? Jump to the next rooftop? A bit cliche, but fine! Go go go, come on middle school science class, momentum, distance, speed, height, go! ... Hah! yes! NO! No doors down here! Where do I go? Was that the door opening? Don't look back! Just run somewhere! Another building fine! Run! Jump! Just go, damn it!

Gunshots! They saw me again! Gotta duck down behind something... still no way out... behind the vent! Crawl into it? No, too small! Just get behind it, sit, think, wait...

Possible exits... Down, no. Not worth dying for A few more jumps and I could get to another roof with a door going down... Too risky. No place to hide along the way. I'd get shot! What was that... footsteps... Thumps? Are they jumping? Just a quick peek around to see what they're do- Crap they are! No time! Just sprint it! Last chance! Gotta go! Can't go back! Jump! Faster! Jump! Faster! My shoulder... What's that... it burns... They hit me!

CrapNoI'mFalling
Can'tDieNowSoClose
ButAtLeastTheyWon'tGetMe
WhatAmISayingOfCourseTheyWillAndNowI'mGonnaDie
MaryILoveYouTakeCareOfTheKids
ManI'mGoingToHell
SoCloseToTheGroundJustAnotherSecond...

What? Not dead? NOT DEAD! Not dead... Can't move... Can't move and they're coming... No, damn it, no! I was so damn close! Think, think, open your eyes and think! I'm in an alley way. Are they looking down on me? Sending more to retrieve my corpse? Put me in a body bag and burn me? No. They'll see I'm alive... Then back to the labs... Again. No! Can't do that! Have to get away! MOVE, DAMN IT, MOVE! It won't work. Footsteps! They're here! NO! I won't lose... again...

Where am I? In a bed? Four walls? Still can't move. Door opening? Not a coincidence. They know I'm awake. What was that? A gun. Someone just loaded a gun. That feeling. My forehead. Cold metal... Crap... It won't be cold soo-

SoNickSays... · 05-28-2008, 02:27 PM

it is very rare that I read a story that explains the exact thoughts in someone's head, and despite my confusion, this was a treat.

I loved the way you set it out. I could imagine thinking it myself, and it also made it vivid in my mind. You must also remember that people people always consider how they feel in their mind (well... I do) despite a rush. It also makes better writing to not just explain the scene (again, my own opinion, but a popular one).

Again, this was a very good, rare treat. Thank you.

Nick

babygirlmedia · 05-28-2008, 02:43 PM

Hey this pretty unusual but it worked for me. i loved the anticipation and there was some excitement there too along with suspense and drama. I agree with the greatness of being allowed into someones thoughts and noone else so its just the this guy your concerntrating on. He is obviously so desperate to just get away from these people and live. the only thing i was confused about is who are these people chasing him? what has he done? and also (if im correct in saying so) you mentioned at the end something about it happening again?

SoNickSays... · 05-28-2008, 02:47 PM

I think I can answer some on those questions...

He was in a human experiment in a lab... If you re-read you can see the small implications.

I think those implications only need be implications. Don't include an explanation of what is happening in the story, as it will just ruin the style and the good air of mystery.

I think some of your question, baby, should stay unanswered

Nick

AdamK · 05-28-2008, 03:14 PM

I like it very much! You have described the speed of action in a way that gives us the impression of running, being in a hurry. The plot looks like the one from an action movie. I like the description that made me read faster and faster as the character was running.

Quote:

CrapNoI'mFalling
Can'tDieNowSoClose
ButAtLeastTheyWon'tGetMe
WhatAmISayingOfCourseTheyWillAndNowI'mGonnaDie
MaryILoveYouTakeCareOfTheKids
ManI'mGoingToHell
SoCloseToTheGroundJustAnotherSecond...

That's great idea to put the words together, the impression of thoughts running very, very fast in the character's mind is mysterious. The ending of your story is quite surprising because we do not really know for sure what could have happened later to the character. Was he killed? Or was it only a bad dream of his? Good questions to be asked and to be thought about

babygirlmedia · 05-28-2008, 03:28 PM

yeah i kind of thought it was based on this guy between a lab or i was toying with the idea of being from some kind of mental unit but yes more like the lab experiment. yes your right too some things should stay undiscovered and mysterious.

Monkuta · 05-28-2008, 09:24 PM

Whoa. Just posted that and left for about five hours. Nice comments to come back to. Yes, the whole thing is supposed to be really ambiguous. Thanks for noticing! I was inspired by the beginning of Half-Life 2, really. That beginning chase is just so invigorating. If you want to know the story behind the thoughts, I'll tell you in a pm, but I like the mystery. I'm gonna try writing more stories like this.