A childrens story i would to share - Writers Forum

babygirlmedia · 05-28-2008, 05:34 AM

Hi all i am new so please be gentle lol (its ok i can take it really) well i have only just got into writing childrens short stories so i was just wondering what you all thought of it. its about 1118 words. Please imagine the pictures as you go along. I appreciate your time if you do read this and any critism is welcome. Here goes...

“Hooray, daddy has a week off work!”

“Hooray, daddy has a week off work” Kaden Said to mummy.
“We never get to spend that much time with daddy because he is always working” I said.
Mummy explained to us that daddy had so much planned for our very special week together and that we were to be extra good and enjoy our time together as it does not happen that often.

We went to bed that Sunday night and did not dare to be naughty as we were sooo looking forward to our week ahead with daddy. Kaden had already fallen asleep but I quietly lay awake very excited. I thought about what we may be doing during our week. I imagined us riding our bikes together and swimming with the sharks in the sea.

Monday morning came and Kaden had woken me up. I looked outside my window to see what the weather was like.
“Yes, it’s a beautiful sunny day” I joyfully said to Kaden. “That means we will be going somewhere outside that’s fun” I continued.
At that point daddy came into my room and asked me to get dressed into my shorts and t-shirt and to also put on my cap as it was going to be very sunny and hot. I did exactly as daddy had asked whilst he got Kaden dressed and spread loads of sun cream over him. Kaden looked liked a ghost.
“Your turn now son,” as daddy started to spread sun cream all over my arms, neck, ears and face.
Kaden and I looked at each other and laughed.
“Daddy, can we put some sun cream on you” I asked. With my request he put a small blob of white cream onto our hands and we laughed so much as we spread the cream onto daddy’s face. “Look Kaden, Daddy looks like us now” I giggled.

Mummy had already packed a special bag for us. I had a quick peep and saw towels, our swimming trunks, more sun cream, cartons of juice and our jelly sandals. Then I saw our buckets and spades to the side of the bag.
“Hooray, daddy has the week off work and were going to the beach” I shouted. “Indeed we are” daddy smiled.

We got to the beach and found a lovely sunny spot just by the slipway of the beach. “First thing we are going to do is to build sand castles, I have these flags that we can place on the top when they are finished”. Daddy showed us the different flags he had brought. Our sandcastle was big and Kaden had put on shells to make it look pretty. Daddy had dug a moat around the sand castle with a bridge. Then altogether we placed the different flags onto the big castle. “Very good” said Daddy “now let’s go for a swim in the sea but we must put on your jelly shoes first so you don’t hurt your feet”.

We skipped down the beach towards the sea. The water was cold but nice on my very hot body. Kaden ran into the sea and I followed with daddy alongside us. We jumped over each wave as it came rushing towards us.
“This is fun daddy,” I said “Kaden loves it too daddy”.
We were very tired at the end of our day out and could not wait to be tucked up into bed after our tea. “You had a nice time then today with daddy?” mummy asked us as she was tucking us into bed. “Yes mummy it was fun, fun, fun” Kaden screeched.
“Yes mummy” I said, “but I did not see any sharks today”.

“Hooray, daddy has a week off work and today we are going to the park on our bikes” I chanted whilst jumping around my room. I had my own blue bike which had big boy stickers on it. Kaden sat on the back of daddy’s bike in a special seat. We all put on our safety helmets to keep us safe.

We fed the ducks by the big pond and they were really friendly. They enjoyed the seed we gave them and they let us get really close to them. Then daddy brought us an ice-cream each from the café. Kaden had his favourite ice-cream which was strawberry and had the cow on the wrapper and I had a big chocolate ice-cream in a cone with a flake. Daddy had a big chocolate chip mint ice-cream in a cone with a flake. “Daddy you have ice-cream on your nose silly!” we chuckled.

The next day the weather was not so good and Kaden and I wondered what we were going to do. “Daddy, what are we going to do today?” I asked.
“Well mummy has packed our swimming trunks as I thought we could go swimming at the local centre”.
“Yeah, Yeah, Yeah” Kaden sang.
“Hooray its daddy’s week off work and we are going swimming” I danced.

Kaden had his armbands and I had my float. I wasn’t quite able to swim on my own yet but daddy was great at teaching me. “Kick your legs son” he said as he held onto me for extra support. Kaden was happy gliding around the water and splashing us all. We all found it very funny.
“Do you want to go on the flumes boys?” daddy asked us.
“Flumes? Are they scary daddy? I asked back.
“No, they are lots of fun” daddy assured me.
At first I had been scared but then I realized it was fun like daddy had had said. WHOOOSH we went when we slid into the water at the bottom of the pool. It was very cold though getting out of the pool, so we quickly got dressed again. Daddy brought us a hot chocolate to warm up and it was very delicious. Once again Kaden and I slept very well that night.

The week had been very fun indeed and I was sorry that it was our last day together. Yesterday we had just splashed around in our paddling pool around the garden and we had a barbeque with burgers and sausages and mummy gave us some salad because she said it was healthy for our tummies.
I was very proud of myself when eating my lettuce, cucumber, and grated carrots. Even Kaden had some and I was very proud of my little brother too.
“You know boys, our rabbit Willow loves salad too” and with that he gave us each some salad to give to Willow. I was proud of Willow too.

So being our last day today I was very sad and disappointed but as mummy had said, we had to make the most of it as it did not happen that often.
“We are going to the aquarium today kids.” Daddy said.
“Hooray daddy has got the week off work and we are going to the aquarium” I bounced with joy. I loved the fishes and so did Kaden. We walked to the aquarium and saw the beautiful, colourful fish. Kaden loved the big flat fish and I loved the beautiful orange and white clown fish. Daddy said his favourite was the puffer fish because it blew up like a balloon sometimes when it felt frightened.. We saw some reptiles too, like snakes and chameleons. “They are not fish” Kaden said with curiosity.
“I know but they need special homes like fish and here at the aquarium they can provide the right houses for them.” Daddy explained. Kaden still looked very confused.

I sat on the bench surrounded by tanks of fish. I looked down at the floor and kicked my legs in turn with each other.
“What is the matter Kai?” daddy asked me.
“It’s all over now” I said sadly. “Your back to work tomorrow and we won’t have any special time together anymore”.
Well just because I am back at work tomorrow, doesn’t mean we no longer have special time together it just means we can’t do as much fun stuff like going to the beach and the park and everything else we have done this week” daddy explained. “We have had a wonderful week all of us together but it would not be as wonderful if we did it everyday besides I know in my heart that every moment I spend with you and Kaden is always going to be very special”.
I thought about it for a moment. Daddy was right.
“I guess you are right and I have enjoyed our week together and I know in my heart too that our time together is always special whatever we do” I said in a happier mood.
“I love you daddy” I said as I gave him a hug.
I love you and Kaden too” daddy replied with a tear in his eye.
“I love you Kai and daddy” Kaden said joining in on our big hug.

“Hooray daddy has had a week off work and we’ve had the best time ever” I whispered.

© Jemma Ozanne

phurst · 05-28-2008, 12:05 PM

Engish right? Ignore any comments that point to American english from English english

“Hooray, daddy has a week off (of)work!”

“Hooray, daddy has a week off work” Kaden Said (said) to mummy.
“We never get to spend that much time with daddy because he is always working(comma)” I said.(and who is this speaking?)
Mummy explained to us that daddy had so (delete 'so')much planned for our very special week together and that we were to be extra good and (2 - ands)enjoy our time together as it does not happen that often.

We went to bed that Sunday night and did not dare to be naughty as we were sooo looking forward to our week ahead with daddy. Kaden had already fallen asleep but I quietly lay awake very excited. I thought about what we may be doing during our week. I imagined us riding our bikes together and swimming with the sharks in the sea.(I would identify the speaker at the beginning so the boys and girls could identify with him/her. Maybe the imagination should have an origination such as past vacations or brocures left lying around, something to spark 'swimming with sharks' as that doesn't appear to be the first thing a kid thinks about when travel and vacation arrive)

Monday morning came and Kaden had woken me up. I looked outside my window to see what the weather was like.(I would go directly to the weather from looking and not waiting for the dialogue such as 'I looked out the window and smiled because the sun was shining and the sky was blue. Then go to the dialogue, even repetition is okay there)
“Yes, it’s a beautiful sunny day” I joyfully said to Kaden. “That means we will be going somewhere outside that’s fun” I continued.(I am no expert in kids stories but tag lines after dialogue always make me pause. Stick with he said/she said and then use words to show smiles and glee)
At that point (delete 'at that point')daddy came into my room and asked me to get dressed into my shorts and t-shirt and to also put on my cap as it was going to be very sunny and hot. I did exactly as daddy had asked whilst (what age group will understand 'whilst'?)he got Kaden dressed and spread loads of sun cream over him. Kaden looked liked a ghost.
“Your turn now son,” (said who?)as daddy started to spread sun cream all over my arms, neck, ears and face.
Kaden and I looked at each other and laughed.
“Daddy, can we put some sun cream on you” I asked. With my request he put a small blob of white cream onto our hands and we laughed so much as we spread the cream onto daddy’s face. “Look Kaden, Daddy looks like us now” I giggled.

Mummy had already packed a special bag for us. I had a quick peep and saw towels, our swimming trunks, more sun cream, cartons of juice and our jelly sandals. Then I saw our buckets and spades to the side of the bag.
“Hooray, daddy has the week off work and were going to the beach” I shouted. “Indeed we are” daddy smiled.

We got to the beach and found a lovely sunny spot just by the slipway of the beach. “First thing we are going to do is to build sand castles, I have these flags that we can place on the top when they are finished”. (it may be the formatting but dialogue starts a new para)Daddy showed us the different flags he had brought. Our sandcastle was big and Kaden had put on shells to make it look pretty. Daddy had dug a moat around the sand castle with a bridge. Then altogether we placed the different flags onto the big castle. “Very good” said Daddy “now let’s go for a swim in the sea but we must put on your jelly shoes first so you don’t hurt your feet”.

We skipped down the beach towards the sea. The water was cold but nice on my very hot body(I'm not feeling 'very hot body' maybe'felt cool and I was glad because the sun was so very hot) . Kaden ran into the sea and I followed with daddy alongside us. We jumped over each wave as it came rushing towards us.
“This is fun daddy,” I said “Kaden loves it too daddy”.
We were very tired at the end of our day out and could not wait to be tucked up into bed after our tea. (Over quick. Maybe add lunch with sand in the sandwhches or shower afterward)“You had a nice time then today with daddy?” mummy asked us as she was tucking us into bed. “Yes mummy it was fun, fun, fun” Kaden screeched.
“Yes mummy” I said, “but I did not see any sharks today”.

“Hooray, daddy has a week off work and today we are going to the park on our bikes” I chanted whilst jumping around my room. I had my own blue bike which had big boy stickers on it. Kaden sat on the back of daddy’s bike in a special seat. We all put on our safety helmets to keep us safe.

We fed the ducks by the big pond and they were really friendly. They enjoyed the seed we gave them and they let us get really close to them. Then daddy brought us an ice-cream each from the café. Kaden had his favourite ice-cream which was strawberry and had the cow on the wrapper and I had a big chocolate ice-cream in a cone with a flake. Daddy had a big chocolate chip mint ice-cream in a cone with a flake. “Daddy you have ice-cream on your nose silly!” we chuckled.(and mommy had? Eve though the focus is on Daddy, kids will still want to know about Mommy or they will feel sad she is being left out)

The next day the weather was not so good and Kaden and I wondered what we were going to do. “Daddy, what are we going to do today?” I asked.
“Well mummy has packed our swimming trunks as I thought we could go swimming at the local centre”.
“Yeah, Yeah, Yeah” Kaden sang.
“Hooray its daddy’s week off work and we are going swimming” I danced.

Kaden had his armbands and I had my float. I wasn’t quite able to swim on my own yet but daddy was great at teaching me. “Kick your legs son” he said as he held onto me for extra support. Kaden was happy gliding around the water and splashing us all. We all found it very funny.
“Do you want to go on the flumes boys?(delete 'boys') daddy asked us.
“Flumes? Are they scary daddy? I asked back.
“No, they are lots of fun” daddy assured me.
At first I had been scared but then I realized it was fun like daddy had had said. WHOOOSH we went when we slid into the water at the bottom of the pool. It was very cold though(dump 'though') getting out of the pool, so we quickly got dressed again. Daddy brought us a hot chocolate to warm up and it was very delicious. Once again Kaden and I slept very well that night.

The week had been very fun indeed and I was sorry that it was our last day together. Yesterday we had just splashed around in our paddling pool around the garden and we had a barbeque with burgers and sausages and mummy gave us some salad because she said it was healthy for our tummies.
I was very proud of myself when eating my lettuce, cucumber, and grated carrots. Even Kaden had some and I was very proud of my little brother too.
“You know boys, our rabbit Willow loves salad too” and with that he gave us each some salad to give to Willow. I was proud of Willow too.

So being our last day today (comma)I was very sad and disappointed but as mummy had said, we had to make the most of it as it did not happen that often.
“We are going to the aquarium today kids.” Daddy said.
“Hooray daddy has got the week off work and we are going to the aquarium” I bounced with joy. I loved the fishes and so did Kaden. We walked to the aquarium and saw the beautiful, colourful fish. Kaden loved the big flat fish and I loved the beautiful orange and white clown fish. Daddy said his favourite was the puffer fish because it blew up like a balloon sometimes when it felt frightened.. We saw some reptiles too, like snakes and chameleons. “They are not fish” Kaden said with curiosity.
“I know but they need special homes like fish and here at the aquarium they can provide the right houses for them.” Daddy explained. Kaden still looked very confused.

I sat on the bench surrounded by tanks of fish. I looked down at the floor and kicked my legs in turn with each other.
“What is the matter Kai?” daddy asked me.
“It’s all over now” I said sadly. “Your back to work tomorrow and we won’t have any special time together anymore”.
Well just because I am back at work tomorrow, doesn’t mean we no longer have special time together it just means we can’t do as much fun stuff like going to the beach and the park and everything else we have done this week” daddy explained. “We have had a wonderful week all of us together but it would not be as wonderful if we did it everyday besides I know in my heart that every moment I spend with you and Kaden is always going to be very special”.(the lesson. Well, I'd dumb it down a bit and shorten it out or maybe have Daddy refer to the next one and they can start planning)
I thought about it for a moment. Daddy was right.
“I guess you are right and I have enjoyed our week together and I know in my heart too that our time together is always special whatever we do” I said in a happier mood.(too deep for the level of this story IMHO)
“I love you daddy” I said as I gave him a hug.
I love you and Kaden too” daddy replied with a tear in his eye.
“I love you Kai and daddy” Kaden said joining in on our big hug.(and toto too, I mean Mommy too)

“Hooray daddy has had a week off work and we’ve had the best time ever” I whispered.

Lot of nice visuals. I can see kids getting excited about the story as it covers many things kids have done. Very nice.

babygirlmedia · 05-28-2008, 01:39 PM

Thankyou very much for reading over my story, much appreciated and thankyou for your time to show me my mistakes, it is just what i need as eventually i would like to go into self publishing but obviously i want to get my books perfect before hand. I am from Guernsey channel islands so i am not too aware of the american english although i understand there is various different ways of spelling things like i know we spell colours and you spell colors. thankyou once again it helps to have an extra view besides family and friends as they are just going to be nice and also over here there does not seem as much knowledge or interest in writing.