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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 05-27-2008, 03:24 PM   #1
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Photo

This was supposed to be part of a bigger story, but it seemed to hold it's ground on it's own. Any critique to improve it is appreciated as always


Photo:

"Shit!" Sonny cursed, the bottle of developer slipping from his hands.
He took of his glasses, the dark room he worked in was humid. Sweat dripped from his brow as he lowered the film he was handling onto the stop bath.
He cleaned up the spilled developer, cursing under his breath, the acrid smell stinging his nostrils.
He took a deep breath as he stood up. Already his head was starting to throb from the fumes, but he continued to work.
Sonny glanced at the roll of film that was drying. A sigh of relief escaped his lips.
"Finally," Sonny thought "it's done."
The camera he had used to capture the images lay broken, the lens shattered by a gunshot.
The Man had promised him a new camera when he saw the damage, "as soon as you get the film processed and developed, of course." The Man said, a slight grin on his face.
Sonny turned on the AC, letting the cool breeze permeate the room. he remembered the job given to him, how he couldn't resist the large reward offered. Still, no matter how good his shots, he couldn't help but feel guilty. He inspected the photographs, wincing at every one he passed. "It's too good" he thought, "It captured everything in detail"
What was once a faint splatter of blood now shown cleary in the photos. Every gruesome detail, caught with pinpoint accuracy and quality.
The woman in the photographs lay silent, her face frozen in a state of terror. The man holding the gun, though in shadow, can clearly be seen, his face illuminated by the fire that was erupting from the barrell.
Sonny swallowed hard, his breathing quickened as he gathered the photos and put them in an envelope.
As he sealed it, the door burst open, and he was blinded by the light from outside.
"Hey!" Sonny shouted, "this is a dark room! What the hell are you doing? Get the fuck outta here!"
His eyes tried to readjust to the bright light, but all he saw was a silhouette.
"are you deaf,dumb or stupid? I said out!" He yelled at the shadowy figure by the door.
A voice spoke, soft and crystalline, clearly a woman's.
"Just give me the pictures." She said, her hand stretching out towards him.
Sonny groped for his glasses, his eyes hurting from the light.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you" the mysterious voice said, followed by the unmistakeable click of a gun being loaded.
He put on his spectacles and took a look at the intruder. His face mirrored that of the woman in the photographs.
"You...but...why?" He asked, his voice shaken with fear and disbelief.
A whisper of a bang emanated from the silenced gun she carried. Sonny's glasses broke into two as the bullet passed through it's bridge, blood and bone exploded, decorating the wall behind him.
The woman stepped into the dark room, grabbing the envelope as she bent down. She caressed his face with a slight tinge of regret.
"I'm sorry babe, but right now, you don't need to know." She whispered to his corpse.
Her cellphone's ringing pierced the silence in the room.
"Yes? It's all been taking care of. Really? I'm glad to hear that." The regret she felt dissipated as the caller informed her of the reward. She ended the call and holstered her gun.
She walked out of the room, envelope in hand, a smile playing on her face. She looked back at the body of the photographer. They'll clean that mess up in the morning.
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Old 05-27-2008, 04:50 PM   #2
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It really doesn't stand on its own, for me. I don't know what's going on or why and too much mystery is too muc mystery. Dialogue needs work in both story line and grammatically "WTF," she said. right "WTF yourself." He said. wrong "are you stupid?' he said. wrong "Are you stupid," he said. Right Watch the punctuation.
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Old 05-28-2008, 03:37 PM   #3
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yes i noticed alot of mistakes in the way of where your "s were. i did like it however i definetly agree with phurst. you need a stronger structure to hold it up and explain some things inwhich is going on. dont rush this story as it could be a very good one but try and sort the grammer out and structure it a little more. I can see this story having so more potential so remember to take your time, set out several ideas on a spider/thoughts chart even if you use only one idea. good luck if you continue to work on it and maybe change the boldness of wording if there is scene where you have shouting or something just to add to the drama.
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Old 05-28-2008, 05:43 PM   #4
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It's cool as an abridged summary, but I'd really like to see what else you have to write about this story.
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Old 05-28-2008, 06:31 PM   #5
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Hmm, yeah I see where everyone's coming from. I guess this should have gone to File 13.
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Old 05-28-2008, 07:12 PM   #6
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Not at all! never give up just keep working at it. You have got what would be a great middle of the story so to speak you just need to maybe build a little more of a start and end then maybe you will really be on your way with it. Are you really stuck on this because if maybe you are then i could perhaps help you in some ways? im not an expert or anything but i have an imagine if that helps? where would you like to see this story go? i take it that its part of the thriller genre that you wish to attract this story too?
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Old 05-28-2008, 11:22 PM   #7
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I was actually thinking more of a crime drama. It is supposed to be a middle part of a story I'm working on, but that story is told purely in first-person POV's, and this one just stood out like a sore thumb. Yeah sure any help would be greatly appreciated
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