Salabrin

I laid down on the wet grass, and stared at the star-strewn sky- like a fragment of a great creation made by a greater being, they twinkled in the darkness, smiling a crooked smile at me....the moon winked at me, the night hugged me. The world is asleep- the trees snore, the ground is breathing slow and heavy. I smiled slightly, and closed my eyes.


I woke up from my serenity as if a giant hand grabbed and shook me. I straightened my helmet, and cocked my rifle.


Another perfect moment dwarfed in comparison to the insanity of real life, another perfect night sent to the depths of memory. Time to fight again for a meaningless cause, for faceless people. I looked up at the sky again.


The moon no longer winked at me.

Monkuta

Ooh, short short story. More... poem, I think. But that's just my opinion.

My critique:
Awesome! Very descriptive with lots of personification. The first section is a masterpiece. It gives a very slow, relaxed feel which is shaken and quickened by the middle. The end, thought still very good, is a bit dwarf compared to the first section. The first part was very clear and dramatic. Every sentence had a specific image that weaved into my mind. The end is lacking this feeling. It's more of a narrative moment which is fine, but weak in contrast to the beginning.
I like the last sentence though. Very... psychedelic. It brings me back to the feeling of the first section.

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Salabrin

Thanks for the critique- fully noted

SoNickSays...

Hey Salabrin,

I completely agree with Monkuta. it was VERY poetic, and if you had made that into a poem, you would have so many people commenting on how great it was. You made it into a Short-Short-Story, which worked just as well.

Every sentence created an image in your mind. I LOVE the second part, how he explains the war.

Top marks for a Short-Short-Short-Short-Story.


Nick

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Dracula was real.

gpayo

Fantastic short story... you know how to transmit the pace and warm in that tale: A+ to you!

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Salabrin

Thank you both- sorry for the late reply

dhyre

Good job, I agree with monkuta.. but I liked it!

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*** correction: Writing is about individuality, breaking the rules, testing new grounds, listening to ourselves. That's why we do it, to show we are individuals, we are human and because everyone's idea deserves a chance, even if you don't think so.

Salabrin

Thank you- Again, sorry for the late reply.

Dr. Apopolus

I spotted the mistake in the title and expected to trudge through some crap.

However, this turned out to be pretty good. I don't agree with the others, though. I think you should nix the last sentence.

In short, don't judge a thread by its title I guess.

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