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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 05-07-2008, 07:15 PM   #1
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Flon is on a distinguished road
Story for school newspaper

My cousin's writing class is creating a school newspaper for their final project and it is being published and put into the writing portfolio at my school. His teacher said that he needed a short story or a poem to fill up the rest of the paper with, and i told him i would try and write one. This is what i came up with. I don't like it much and i probably won't give it to him.



He took the highway this time and found her in a field of daisies by the end of the road where it damn near ignores the first chapter of the ocean and keeps on flipping pages and folding corners until it's floating on paper thin air and no one ever knew why her gloom was so enveloping and it was, it billowed out of a body much too small to carry such a plague that was all her own. Her poisons could burn down cities, he decided, and it made him the saddest person in the world knowing that she would never truly die over him as he had for her so many times before. He wrote little stories and poems expressing his love for her, but he was no Kerouac, she shrugged them off and their expensive words and beautiful sentences are decaying in the awful sour earth under those pretty flowers and knotted roots in her Garden Of Evil now. So he pulled off the highway to see what was wrong with the girl that he died for so fiercely. There was something wrong when he waded through that falsely exuberant sea of yellow and white and wearily asked her "Can i help you, miss?" It was the anxious ticking in her eyes that you wouldn't have noticed unless you really looked at them, it were as if there was a bomb behind them just waiting to take lives. And his suspicions weren't for nothing - right when he took his eyes off of her for half, maybe even a fourth, of a second she swooped down on him like an eagle and deep down he must have known it was coming but still her talons tore him open and his stomach ruptured, but he still loved her and in his convulsions he dreamt of holding hands with her walking down a pretty suburban street from someone's endearing childhood, in the dream he loved her and she loved him, and who would have guessed such a life could exist in such a terrible world?
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Old 05-07-2008, 09:06 PM   #2
lin
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lin is on a distinguished road
What's not to like? Very nice (I assume there are some graph breaks and such in the original)

The first line comes on gangbusters with that whole "chapter of the ocean. pages" thing..which is a tricky corner for the average reader, especially high schoolers, maybe.

So you could give them a break with a period after "thin air" instead of "and" let them catch their breath from the last whoopy doo before hitting them with another one.

Given that you are pushing the limits of narration here, I would try to make the rest easy for people by breaking things up into bite-sized chunks where you can stand to.

This is cool. They should be glad to get it. If they don't run it, tell me where your high school is and I'll come down there with my assault rifle.
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