Admit Something - Writers Forum

Muffin · 05-05-2008, 06:57 PM

“Are you happy?”

The instant message popped up on my screen unexpectedly. Well, not quite unexpectedly. There was about a 50/50 chance I would get these messages when I signed on. Always questions. “Are you happy?” “Do you have friends?” “Do you believe in God?”

And the conversation always led to the same place. Ann was not happy. She didn’t have true friends. She had given up on God.

Ann had a twisted way of turning the conversation around to Ann and Ann’s discontent. Yet I still continued to take her questions at face value. Perhaps I was curious to see if anything ever changed with Ann.

“Yes, I’m happy,” I typed. Three beats later: “Are you happy?”

“Yes,” was the immediate reply. Ann always replied immediately. She never thought twice. She was happy. She was who she wanted to be. Yet, she would drop her mask unwittingly. It would be during out 3-hour phone calls on Fridays, when she would talk about herself for the entire middle hour. And she’d express doubt and fear and unhappiness. She would say she didn’t know how she’d gotten to the point she was at. She would tell me she had begun to pretend like she knew herself so there would be no questioning.

But then she would snap out of it and accuse me of only wanting to talk about her, of never taking responsibility for anything.

Ann resented my happiness.

When we ever happened to be in the same room at school, and a boy smiled at me or gave me a compliment, I would fight feelings of wanting the floor to swallow me up. I knew Ann would attack me later, saying I thought I was too good for everyone, that I craved attention. But she’d say it was a shame that my friends didn’t really know me. That once they did know me and how insecure I truly was, they wouldn’t want me anymore. Ann’s thought process never really made sense to me. She’s always express her opinions under the cover of saying it was what, she knew, I was really thinking.

It made my head reel.

Such poison. Ann was not my best friend anymore. But for the past few months, that fact was entirely irrelevant.

Presently another message appeared on my screen. “Well hey there! I’m glad you’re on!”

My heart skipped a beat. I only ever signed on in the first place because sometimes Todd would sign on. And I loved talking to Todd. I loved being around him. I loved it when he’d pick me up at my house, and I’d get to ride in the passenger’s seat while he drove around my neighborhood. Just talking. Being together.

“Will you do me a favor?” Ann, again.

“Ok. What?”

“Admit something,” she said.

Oh geez, I thought. I was glad Todd was on. Something to counteract my frustration.

I had first met Todd at a party. Ann had already known him. And she told me she thought that he was the one for me. I trusted her completely, blindly, because after all, I believed Ann knew me better than anyone in the world. But she said that even though he was “the one” I would end up with Jake, my boyfriend at the time. Because Jake liked me a lot.

But Todd was so different and exciting. I don’t think even Ann predicted the chemistry I had with Todd. He made my head spin and my spine tingle. He made me want to melt to my toes then be reincarnated so it could happen all over again.

So I broke up with Jake. And things heated up with Todd and I.

And that’s when Ann changed her mind. Todd was a jerk and a player. He didn’t really know me. Ann really knew me. Todd only wanted to sleep with me. He was a guy, and guys only have one thing on their mind. I was too good for him. He didn’t deserve me. I had screwed up big time by breaking up with Jake.

And so I broke up with Todd. Ann was now the only relationship I still had, something I was clinging to desperately.

But something inside me had snapped about 6 months ago. I’m not sure what it was.

Two messages appeared at the same time.

Todd: “How was your day?”

Ann: “Admit you don’t need me anymore.”

I replied to Ann. “Ok. I don’t need your friendship anymore.”

Had I ever said that before?

I hadn’t needed Ann for a long time now. Looking back, I couldn’t believe how good it used to feel to be with her. I used to get excited when we were going to hang out, or when she’d say I was her best friend. But back then, I hadn’t thought that I deserved someone as awesome as her. She had been different. She had had a quick sense of humor, she was the star of the soccer team, she played jazz piano by ear.

Maybe there was really no change.

Todd and I started turning things on again about a month ago when he broke up with his girlfriend.

I had four more messages on my screen from Ann, all saying things she had told me before. She told me it made her sad that I didn’t get close to people anymore, that I was going to have a hard time trusting someone again. She said she wished I would just see her point.

“You seemed upset yesterday,” said Todd. “Are you ok?”

“My cat died,” I answered honestly.

“I’m so sorry!” He said. “I’ll bring you some cookie dough tomorrow and we’ll eat it together.”

I typed a smiley face. “Thanks.”

Ann was still going on about my shortcomings. I let her.

Funny thing, I didn’t regret breaking up with Todd the first time. It had just given me a chance to know him better, to be a good friend to him before we tried anything else. It felt good to spread my wings. It felt good to know myself.

And that was my biggest defense against Ann. I knew myself, and I was not afraid of living that out. I knew who I wanted to be, and I would strive to be that person in every situation.

“Are you listening to me?” Ann asked me.

“Sort of,” I typed. “I’m doing something else at the same time.”

Maybe I was the one who had changed.

But I was okay with that. Todd asked what my cat died of and I told him. She was simply old and we had to put her to sleep. She had stopped eating.

“You’ve changed this year,” Ann said to me.

“Yes, I know,” I replied. “But I’m ok with that.”

Ann didn’t say anything for a long while. Todd typed that he couldn’t wait to see me next weekend. I couldn’t wait to see him either.

“Did you know,” I typed to Ann, “My cat died this week.”

“Oh. Why didn’t you call me?” That was all she had to say.

The answer was obvious to both of us.

mandax · 05-05-2008, 10:45 PM

The funny thing is, I used to have a friend like Ann. Now we're not friends.

While I think it's interesting that you show a lot of the conflict through AIM (because that kind of thing really does happen), I feel like it's not enough to keep the story moving. The only pictures in my mind are her typing on the keyboard, aside from the flashbacks. Maybe expand on this a little bit and show what happens when she meets Todd, etc. Friendship stories, I believe, are very interesting but also very over-simplified. I think a friendship like this should be fleshed out. Let the reader really see what's going on.

Muffin · 05-06-2008, 06:29 PM

Ha, I used to have a friend like Ann too.

Ok. When I read over it, I felt too that it was a little dry maybe. It was hard to know if the reader would really understand what was going on with so few examples. I have a habit of writing about things in my own life and then finding it difficult to feel the balance of revealing too much or too little, since I "know all" in my own head. Thanks so much for reading!

SevenWritez · 05-06-2008, 06:49 PM

I'm sure we've all known an Ann once or twice. I think I used to be one, back when I was 15 and determined to destory everything in my path, but that phase has since passed.

Anyways, I liked this, and have no concerns regarding it. I enjoy the streamlined style, and how you avoided unecessary detail to move the plot along. While I feel all the characters involved were 2D cut-outs, the IM portion is what kept me engaged, as it seems today that most relationships--friendships or love affairs--seem to play out through this medium.

Muffin · 05-06-2008, 07:08 PM

Hmm. I would count the characters being 2D cutouts as a concern.

And it's very true, but very very sad that so many relationships play out online these days.

SevenWritez · 05-06-2008, 08:14 PM

Well, in terms of portrayal, each character is done well, and when compared to the people of my high school, very accurate. I suppose my gripe stems from my Holden-Syndrome, me just thinking 'everyone's a phony' and hoping there's something deeper than the initial outline witnessed at face value. And besides, it's a short story, so it'd be wrong of me to ask for some deeply-realized character. Either way, it was a fun read, and I look forward to your next one.

LolliAdverbs · 05-06-2008, 10:27 PM

I wonder if Ann actually does know more than the narrator thinks, since she does say "admit something"... Intriguing

Anyway, I thought this was fantastic. Honestly, when I first started reading it, I didn't think it was the type of story I was interested in (stories with AIM speech drive me crazy). But I got the end and was deeply satisfied. I just wonder how the mc changed.

As for the characters. They're fine. Real life has people that are "2d cutouts", and this story is more about the situation than the people anyways.

My only criticism: man, I hate the name Todd

Zensati · 05-06-2008, 10:33 PM

You need to spice this up a bit. Make it more entertaining or grap the readers attention in the first paragraph. You gotta hook the reader in.

Achilles · 05-07-2008, 03:43 PM

I felt like this was the polished result of a few journal entries, and somehow that made me feel guilty...

I think you could flesh out the first two paragraphs. It took me a couple reads to identify the narrator as a first person voice and Ann as a separate character. Maybe it was just me.

You did a good job of making this succinct and relevant while keeping it personal. The AIM conversation was creative and served as a good medium for conflict and imagery. I saw the message window on the computer screen as a sort of melting pot where all of the N's emotions entered and came out as something new.

Jake is a relatively unnecessary character. I mean, I know you have your reasons, but from a purely literary perspective, Jake muddies up the character interactions and takes some of the focus away from the conflict with Ann (which was the most powerful conflict) and the conflict with the narrator's identity, which is together with the narrator's relationship with Todd. Jake is really just a name to us readers.

I think the ending would be stronger without the last line, but that's kind of a nitpick.

Really, really, good story. Well-written and grammatically perfect as usual.

Ben

Muffin · 05-08-2008, 02:54 PM

sevenwritez: ok, with that in mind, i understand more what you were saying. it's sometimes tricky to fully develop a character in under 2,000 words, so that was what i was concerned about. anyway, thank you for reading!

lolliadverbs: yeah, the character growth (how the main character changed) is something i was curious if people would mention. I guess the reason I didn't focus on it as much, is for the reason you said the 2D cutout thing was fine--the story is more about the situation than the characters. but on the other hand, it's probably something that could use more developing..

zensati: im assuming you stopped reading because it didn't grab you? haha, in any case, i probably should edit the first couple paragraphs a bit.

achilles: thanks, once again, for reading!

and of course it was a polished journal entry. haha in essence, all of my stories are, and that's why when I asked you to read it, I didn't send you a public MySpace comment so anyone could go look at it. Anyway, I understand your point about the character of Jake. That was something I didn't think about when I wrote it, because it was "the way the story went." But I definitely see your point. Also, as I said to zensati, I probably should flesh out the first couple of paragraphs to make them better. and the ending... i went back and forth for a while about whether to leave the last line there or not. it just seemed like it wasn't really resolved without it, but it was punchier-sounding without it. hmm...

once again, thank you all for reading!