Unable to Continue - Writers Forum

Will-11 · 05-05-2008, 11:52 AM

Unable to Continue
He walked through the cold night air, the sand crunching softly beneath his bare feet. The gentle wind gently rustled his hair and chill droplets of water clung to his skin but the boy seemed not to notice. The sea shone smooth and darkly mysterious as it lapped against the shore. The boy stopped by a smooth rock and peered out across the rolling waves. The wind slid over the ocean which gleamed brightly in the moonlight. Most people would be able to appreciate the timeless beauty of the scene but the boy was blind to it.
He watched a large wave roll in and retreat slowly back, back into the darkness leaving bright stones on the dark sand, the only sign of it’s visit. About fifty people somewhere in the world had died in the time it had taken for the wave to roll in and back out. The boy thought about this. As he watched the next wave rolled in and stole the stones back, leaving wet mud. The boy stood on the shore and thought about the timelessness of the sea, the endlessness of life.
A tear formed in the corner of the boy's eye because he knew the truth: ultimately no one would remember his name. He drew a knife from his belt and watched it gleam in the silver light. He was crying now. He was sad because he was young and had many years ahead of him. But he could not defeat time. He could not even control his destiny, his father made his choices for him, had robbed him of his free will and left him with just one last choice.
He lay down in the sand next to the sea.
A wave washed gently over his body leaving specks of water on his dark skin.
Shutting his eyes tight he thrust the knife in deep.
He was free at last.
DAWN
The sun was rising on the horizon. It cast its golden radiance onto the clear water of the sea, illuminating the waves and causing them to sparkle a myriad of colours. It then sat on the golden horizon and its light gradually lit up the beach. Out across the waves a dark shapes rose and fell eternally in the water. The sunlight also revealed a party of men walk out onto the beach. Two of the men swam out across the waves, reached the small body and led it back to shore. Waiting on the beach stood a third man.
He was tall and muscles showed clearly in his arms and chest. His face had a livid white scar running down one cheek and his cold grey eyes betrayed no emotion as he watched the men return his son to him. The men laid the body at the water’s edge where the waves made it twitch, as if alive. The man approached the body, sank to his knees in the sand and took the small hand in his. A flight of birds soared toward towards the heavens and a gold-beaked pelican skimmed the waves but the father was forever blind to their beauty.
Two gems of pure crystal appeared in his eyes as silently the brave man began to cry.

The end and the title are a bit crappy but please read and let me know what you think.

Olly Buckle · 05-06-2008, 02:04 PM

There is either lots you are not telling or it is terrifically symbolic, looking at your age I suspect the latter. I would have started with The boy walked... then made the further references to "he" or "him" to save repeating "the boy"
Your next three sentences all start with "The" stylistically I would break that up.
"A tear formed..." He knew a truth, not the truth, ultimately no one knows any of our names, how about ...because soon no one would remember him? Sometimes simple is good, especially with the really big questions, life, the universe, everything.
It is good to read some one who writes coherently and can either spell or bothers to look at spell check, thank you.
I liked the repetition of the blindness to timeless beauty, I would have made the first reference "Many would have appreciated..." The same keep it simple approach, mind you these things are mainly a matter of taste.

Zensati · 05-06-2008, 10:46 PM

I did'nt like it. It seems to impersonal. Calling the main Character "The boy." Is too impersonal.