horrormike

Hey everyone, this is my second short story, it is also a horror yarn. As it is now, I feel that it should be much longer. I wanted to get the idea out there and hear what you guys think.I tried to put an interesting twist on the zombie story, putting the focus on the people rather than the beasts. This story is a tad brutal, it wasn't my intention to make a gore fest, but subject matter speaks much louder.

nacreous

wow another nice one. I told you you had talent for this. The beginning is humorous to me, but then it gets rapidly tragic. The conclusion is sufficiently depressing for me. I can think of a few things which may help. First off, Hid right leg was broken. The dialogue is excellent, just a tiny bit bland. I could imagine this mother saying much weirder stuff in her terrible state. Also, lets see those brains as they splatter. This kind of work can use more detailed descriptions of the gore. You may want to make the beginning less humorous, through the use of foreshadowing or dark imagery. There is very little imagery in this considering the fierce battles going on around them. Oh, yeah, the boys would be getting quite demented with heat prostration and dehydration before they start to slowly die. You could show that. Anyway, great work once again. I could really see you becoming professional if you keep this up. Good luck to you Mike.

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horrormike

Thanks for the advice, I'm gonna spend some time with this story. I bet the mom would talk alot of gibberish, im gonna have to think this through. I wanted to go over the top with the gore, but i tried to hold back. I've read a few online stories chock full of gore but they get soooo dull, its just buckets of blood and thats it. But I will definetly add some more gruesome details. I'll stick lots more imagrey in there to, really set the scene. And the last part, sheesh man, I'm flattered. Maybe I should take a few writing classes?

horrormike

I spent about 30 minutes going over this and adding some stuff in. It's not done yet, but I think its much better than the original. What are your thoughts?

SoNickSays...

Why did you have to make it a short story?!

Zombie books generally bore me, and after reading Stephen King's Cell, I thought I would be through with them. It takes a special style of writing to make me want to read on from a zombie book, and I just about think you did it.

A couple of small spelling mistakes that don't even deserve to be posted (I like to talk about the writing styles and the the plot, rather than the easy mistakes to make like spelling and grammar).

The plot, although monotonous for a zombie book/movie (always a kid there - or two, always a mother/father, always waiting for someone special/looking for someone special) you made it unique and interesting. Shooting her son... even Stephen King wouldn't add that, but it is probably what a mother would do to keep her sons safe.

Have you written any full zombie novels?

Nick

horrormike

Hey Nick, I'm really glad you liked my story. I have a special place in my heart for zombies, so deciding on a zombie yarn was a no brainer.
To be completely honest, this is really the third story I have ever written. Ever. You can actually read my second a few posts down, entitled Red Meat. I'm still working on the basics of writing, so I don't plan on attempting a novel anytime soon, but I have quite a few ideas for some more short stories.
I'm a big fan of big and small press horror fiction zines, and my goal now is to write up a story and be put in one. Not One Of Us maybe ? Ambitious I know, but I feel mighty determined.

SoNickSays...

Yeah, before writing anything serious I always start with a few short pieces. I read Red Meat, but didn't realize it was you! You can add that as an intro to Magnus in Joseph D'Lacey's 'Meat'. It's a good book, and quite similar.

If you feel you want to settle down and put everything into one book, but you also feel it may be too soon, then try writing a prologue and a couple of chapters (do a rough planning rather than a full-scale planning). If it goes well (maybe post it on the forum) delete the chapters, do the full planning and re-write them! If it doesn't go so well, refresh your mind with smaller stories, maybe.

Nick

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