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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 05-04-2008, 04:59 PM   #1
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A Girl's Best Friend (1770 words)

I understand there will be a LOT of corrections to be made, but you know when you have a good idea and you just have to write it out (no plans, no edits). Well, this was exactly that.

-------------------------------------------------

She tried to grin and bare it.
The pain flooded through her lower body, but the embarrassment she felt won the attention of her mind. Her eyes darted anywhere around the dark, damp back-alley, but would not look down. The stranger in front of her panted as he thrust his pelvis against hers. She searched in her mind for anything to distract her from this humiliation, but all the thoughts she could force into her brain were of the outcome of this situation.
She felt a change of speed in her body, and a steady flow erupted inside her. She grimaced as she realized what this was. Please, God, not that! She begged in her mind. She screamed out in pain, and an image of her bloated with the child of a man who held a knife to her throat filled her mind.
Finally, the man stopped. He looked up to her face and grinned as he hitched up his trousers.
“Cheers, love,” the man said, cautiously moving the knife from her throat.
Tears streamed down Kathy’s face as the man backed away and sprinted to the mouth of the alley. Her trembling legs gave way, and she slid down the brick wall to the wet floor. She couldn’t bear the thought of what could have happened, but the constant throbbing between her legs remained a constant reminder.

Kathy stepped hastily through the crowded streets, passing various shop windows. Her hasty movements were the permanent results of what had happened merely weeks ago. It had happened to many others. She could see the pain and caution in the eyes of women she passed. It hurt her that females had been hurt in this way. But what hurt her most was the fact that this had happened to many in their own home. It was done to them by the people they had loved. The people they ate breakfast with. The people they urge to see on a long day.
A certain item on the other side of a window to her left caught her eye. She looked up to the sign of the shop, which read: ‘Herman’s Firearms and Artillery’. The gun that interested her was resting on a glass stand. Under the gun, resting on the stand was a handwritten note explaining the firearm. It was a Semi-Automatic Smith & Wesson Sigma 40 GVE Pistol. It seemed quite modern, with a dark green grip and a silver barrel (which was just reaching 4 inches). It had a 10 round capacity, and (according the large red writing written to the side of the board) came with two full magazines.
Everything about this small weapon appealed to Kathy. For once, after all the pain she had endured during the 9 weeks since being raped. She had been through the disgusting anxiety for the outcome. She had pushed down the fear as the pregnancy test read positive. She had been brave during the abortion of the being living inside her. Despite braving the hard times she was faced with, Kathy still felt naked. Where she once had a sense of security when walking through the crowded streets, she now had an empty space of nervous insecurity. She had no way to protect herself against the horrors of deranged minds.
Now she had been given a chance.
She had been given the chance to fill that space with the one thing she needed. There was nothing more she wanted than to feel safe. Her fingers urged to pull the trigger. They urged to be the judge of life and death. They urged to be in charge.
Her eyes wandered below the description, to the price. Her protection cost $350. She gazed down to the small handbag at her size. She knew that her rent was guzzling her money, but she had just received her pay-cheque in cash, which was at least $500. With her mind made up, she wandered over to the shop door with only one purpose: to be the judge.

It was dark, and the streets were relatively empty. Dim lights lit small circles on the pavement every few meters from the streetlamps. Kathy walked quickly through the dimly lit street, her eyes fixed on the end of the road, where she could catch a taxi and get home.
Her legs froze as she heard a familiar voice at her side.
“Long time no see, hun,” the rapist said, stumbling towards her in a drunken manner, “I feel pretty bad. But, you can cheer me up.”
He gripped her shoulder and quickly thrust her into the shadows. The same alcoholic stench seeped into Kathy’s nose and her mouth. She grimaced as fear and de’ja’vu mixed in her mind.
“I have a friend with me. Hope you don’t mind.” The man said, sarcastically. Kathy looked up to the man. At his side stood another man, but this one considerably younger. His clothes were more or less the same (ripped and grubby) but he had handsome potential. Had it not been for his clothes and his hygiene, he would have been quite appealing. But finding a nice man was the last thing on Kathy’s mind.
The man’s hand moved to her blouse and ripped it with ease, sending buttons flying. She stood there, frozen, as he slashed the middle on her bra with the knife he had drawn earlier. Her breasts dropped out, and he grinned. His hands moved down to his trousers.
Fear had almost completely consumed Kathy, when she suddenly remembered the S&W resting inside her handbag. It had slipped of her shoulder and fallen to her side during the struggle. Her mind turned into a calm state as a new hope sparked to life.
Very slowly, Kathy reached her hand down, grasping desperately through the air for her bag. The man was too busy trying to rip her clothes to notice her arm, but when he turned to her face expecting fear, he was disappointed to see her eyes darting to her side. He instantly followed her gaze and saw the bag.
Kathy realized this was her only moment. She tumbled into the figure in front of her, pushing him back and making space between them. With her other arm she reached down inside her bag.
Her fingers lingered over the tiny bumps of the grip on her small pistol. She gripped it in her hand and pulled it from the bag. She moved as if she shot rapists every day. Kathy pointed the barrel of the gun at the lowest point of the man opposite. She fired two shots randomly at his legs.
God, that feels so good, she thought.
The first shot fired through the gap between his legs, but the second smashed beneath his left knee, causing a disgusting sound similar to pulling out a plug in a drain. The man screamed out in pain.
The foolish young man saw the whole scene. Deciding that battling a woman with a gun was a bad idea, he sprinted for the light. Kathy saw this coming, and reacted with good speed. She fired another two shots into the direction of the running man. Another plugging down echoed against the walls of the buildings at their sides, and another scream erupted.
“Get back here!” her voice ordered to the whimpering man a couple of meters away. It was as if the sudden change of justice had increased her confidence and actually made it take control. She was in charge, and she loved it.
The wounded men cried pathetically as they looked up to her, expecting death. She wasn’t going o murder them… until she had had some fun
The second shot had hit the youth in his arm. She had to make sure they weren’t injured too badly.
“Look, guys, frankly the whole raping me thing is getting boring. But, don’t start getting upset now. I think it would be quite good if you pleased each other….” she looked at the men up and down, as a hateful expression covered their faces.
“Listen, bitch, I would never…”
“Well, there is another thing. I can shoot your balls off and feed them to you. Really is a simple choice.” Kathy felt good as she watched the men exchange glances. I’m in control, she reminded herself, “Just drop your pants and hurry up.”
Kathy tried to make do with her ripped clothes. He managed to conceal her breasts, and her jeans were OK for the journey home. She wasn’t really bothered about the men in front of her. The only reason she had for looking up was to check they weren’t slacking. The deliverer moved with no enthusiasm, and the receiver grimaced in pain and humiliation.
When she felt she was ready with her clothes, Kathy cleared her throat. Both men looked up at her with fear and a hatred she had never even seen before.
“You weren’t so good, but that’s OK. You practice in your spare time, and I’ll be expecting a better performance next time.”
“There won’t be a next time, bitch. You’re dead.” The youth replied after doing up his trousers.
“Oh yeah? How’s that?” she asked. The other man answered this time. It amused her how they had summoned the courage to speak after that humiliating display.
“There’ll be more of us next time, you whore. No gun’s gonna help you then.”
Kathy considered her options. Leaving these men how they were would mean imminent death later on. The normal her would always leave death as the very last option, but she was no longer the normal her. The power the gun had given her took control of her mind the instant she felt the arousing bumps of the grip.
“You know, you’re right.” With one swift movement, she raised the gun to the head of the first man and pulled the trigger. Blood erupted from his head and his body seeped to the floor. The youth stood there, watching in horror as the barrel pointed at his head.
She pulled the trigger.
She heard a bang.
She heard the annoying plug sound.
She saw the blood splash the wall behind him.
She liked it.
As the second body slumped to the ground, Kathy walked out of the shadows. She stepped into the dim circle of light that came from a street lamp. Her face only showed a calm manner and a humorless smile.
She was now the judge between life and death.
She ruled her own security.
All thanks to her neat little gun.
A girl’s best friend.

Last edited by SoNickSays... : 05-05-2008 at 07:45 AM.
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Old 05-05-2008, 04:47 AM   #2
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Oh, and by the way, I'm just assuming how the characters would feel. The only real research I did was for the gun
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Old 05-05-2008, 08:02 AM   #3
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That was pretty intense man, very brutal subject matter. Overall it was a good read, got me hooked in the beginning and kept me going until the end. One of the lessons I learned on this board is to spell out numbers, and it really does help the story flow better. There are also a few grammar errors, but thats no big deal. Good job man can't wait to read your next story.
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Old 05-05-2008, 11:02 AM   #4
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Anyone who reads this would know it's totally unrealistic and a fantasy but it is well written fantasy and very readable. I think the short dramatic sentences are especially effective. To improve it you could add more tension (particurly for rape no 2) and work on Kathy's diaologue, the kind of things Kathy says ( i.e. "Frankly I'm getting bored of this whole rape thing") changes the tone of the piece and makes it harder for the reader to take seriously.
If you want to make it more brutal + shocking you I'd suggest:
- Being more graphic in your descriptions (particularly of Kathy. Most male readers pay extra attention when words like "breast" appear in any text)
- Give more pauses in the second rape scene, it's nonstop violence and so it loses it's shock value. Where you have violence, little pauses (perhaps while Kathy considers the scene) between the violence might make it more effective.
But it was good, the first rape scene would look at home in a bestseller.
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Old 05-05-2008, 12:23 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoNickSays... View Post
I understand there will be a LOT of corrections to be made, but you know when you have a good idea and you just have to write it out (no plans, no edits). Well, this was exactly that.
That's great. Then you go back and edit it.

BEFORE posting.
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Old 05-09-2008, 09:57 AM   #6
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This is a really good suspense story! Can't help but to commend you on that.

The plot works well from the beginning till the end and I have never expected it to come from the title "a woman's best friend". You were good in keeping the story unexpected and not a very predictable read.

Unlike Will-11's comment on it being totally unrealistic, i agree with the total opposite. This drama could just unfold in real life. Just swap the dialogues for what you think the woman would really say in that situation. I think this is what gave you away to be "unrealistic". The woman just suddenly turned cocky.

Other than that, I throughly enjoyed this read. Bravo!
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