Sample from my story - Writers Forum

Fyodor · 04-28-2008, 04:52 PM

This is just an excerpt from something that I've been working on. Tell me what you think about it. It's just a little bit, but I have a lot more planned for it. I have yet to think of a title for it.

Thanks

My name is Daniel and I am a 23 year old writer who lives in London. It is a sunny morning in London as I walk down the old cobble stone streets to my favorite coffee house. There are only a few people out this early, but the streets still have a lively, animated atmosphere. Birds are fluttering high above the shops and bees are buzzing around the flower baskets hanging from buildings. Outside of a shop an owner tied up his dog, where she lies sleeping, waiting to be pet by people passing by. I have been going to this coffee house nearly every Saturday for the past three years to buy coffee and to write. I find that my little flat, as cozy as it is, does not provide the same inspiration that the interesting locals do for my stories. Today’s trip to the local coffee shop, however, is quite different from those other trips. Today I am meeting with some of my old friends--friends that I have not seen in several years and, until recently, friends that I have lost contact with.

The last time that I saw Bonnie, Camden and Aubrey was six years ago on a grey rainy day at the end of July. It was chance that we should meet again. Sometime last week I ran into Camden at a market just outside of town and we started talking. Not only did he tell me that he moved to London just a few weeks ago with Aubrey and their two year old son, Harry, but also that he had recently caught up with Bonnie. She apparently lives in a small town out in the countryside about two hours away from London. I still cannot believe that after all we went through together we drifted apart and have not seen each other since the end of our seventh year.

Eli Cash · 04-28-2008, 05:08 PM

Opening is very clumsy and expositional. Would you read a story that starts out with the main character telling the reader his name, age, and occupation?

omginternetlord · 04-28-2008, 05:27 PM

I'll never understand why people want to write in present tense.

Is this a diary?

Can't stand the first sentence, combined with how you use "London" twice in a very short period.

But really I don't know how I'm supposed to make a judgement about this.

1. It's quite boring and nothing really happens.

2. What is it?

3. You've given me no reason to care about this character. There's nothing interesting about him, or his life so far.

4.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fyodor

Outside of a shop an owner tied up his dog, where she lies sleeping, waiting to be pet by people passing by.

See how this makes no sense? Had she already been tied up? Is he tying her up as you walk past? This is the problem you get into when attempting to use the present tense.

thales · 05-07-2008, 01:47 PM

Actually, I really like this style. I does sound like a journal, but that's fine, because it really brings you closer to the character. I thought the first paragraph was perfect.

The second paragraph I did loose interest. Personally, I would have like to hear more about one person at a time in a paragraph, rather than several people this guy knows. I felt it was too bried. But that is just me preference.

Overall, great job. I like the present tense.