horrormike

Final version posted at bottom of the page

nacreous

I feel this plot really working on me. nice work. when are you going to flesh it out?
really, it should be at least a ten page story or so. this works great for an outline, but it is such a clever little plot that it deserves the more lofty status of short story, rather than flash fiction. Keep working on thsi work, please, and delve deeper into the two main character's minds. How about some nice dialogue, while youre at it. think about the kinds of conversations this sick man must lead his poor wife on, and try to portray one of them for us. it would also add to the story if we had some more sensory input from their environment. I know you did the smells, and the nice neat hedges, but I would like more, please. Think of all the nice places you could go with this story. You could have him eat her, or maybe the kids chow down on him, or all sorts of wonderful things like that. Dont be content with this as it stands... build on this and you will surely be rewarded. Good luck and have fun.
Cheers.

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nacreous - a type of high-flying cloud which often reflects the setting sun back to the earth long after darkness has fallen on the land.

horrormike

Thank you for the reply, I feel very motivated to continue this story. I will add to all of the things you mentioned and really expand it. I am a little apprehensive about dialogue, but I will give it a go. Thanks!!!

nacreous

yup. dialogue is difficult, but you can do it. take your time with it, really role-play the characters for awhile before you attempt the conversation itself. It is going to be so much fun, you'll see.

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nacreous - a type of high-flying cloud which often reflects the setting sun back to the earth long after darkness has fallen on the land.

horrormike

I began to touch up the story, and couldn't stop writing. I am brand new at writing, and I have to say it is a wonderful feeling. I added more meat to the story (no pun intended) fleshed out the characters (NO PUN!) and gave the story and ending. Let me know what you think, do I have some potentional?

RyeCatcher24

The expansion of the story is great. I loved the twist. I saw something like that coming but it was still a surprise when it happened.

My only problems with it are the changes in tense. The first time was bearable but it happens a few times.

You use the word "corpiphilia" but I think the word you're looking for is Anthropophagy which means arousal from consuming human flesh or blood. I may be wrong but just thought I'd write it.

There were a couple of other minor things, but, all in all I really liked this story a lot.

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I wish I had something clever to put here

horrormike

Thank you very much for the reply, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hate to sound dense, but can you explain what you mean by the tense? I have to writing background so that doesn't click with me.

I intended to use corpiphilia, that is the sexual act of eating excrement, it fit with what I was talking about, enjoying the flesh all over again.

nacreous

I want to tell you first of all that I am impressed with the energy and creativity you have at such an early stage. The amount you wrote, in such a short time, is both a sign of great spontaneity, but also a great defect. You went way too fast. Slow down, savour each sentence, mull each phrase and line with an hour's delay if needed. Be sure of the beauty in each sentence. Many of your sentence are far too overloaded with phrases. Slow down, if nothing else, for god's sake, please hear this... slow down when you write. Work on your spelling, and improve your grammar, and reduce the number of phrases in each sentence. Compose long sentences only once in awhile, and with caution. At the same time, you are glossing over details which need some explaining. When you have a Puerto rican character, you dont just keep on referring to him as the Puerto Rican character, you give him a name, and a face, at least. There is not enough dialogue, not by a long shot. its as though it was an afterthought, as it really was. You really cant rush through this if you want it to look professional. Spend many hours contemplating these bits of chatter before you commit them to words.
On a note of style, I think it jumps into the worlds of weirdness a bit too soon. In other words, it becomes obvious very quickly that this man is a (Particularly) disgusting meat-eater (Bleh!) when perhaps you could have led into this revelation more slowly, with more style, with more emphasis. It takes practice to work on the pace of the plot. I dont think you should jump so quickly into the revelation. Let the reader come to the conclusion slower. That builds the suspense.
The second sentence is cumbersome. Dont use numbers in a story - spell it out.
"The patrons eagerly arised" is awful. change it. really, you must work on the grammar, and the spelling, as well as the more stylistic factors. I think you have alot of work ahead of you, but this could really be a winner.
good luck with this and all such work.
cheers

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nacreous - a type of high-flying cloud which often reflects the setting sun back to the earth long after darkness has fallen on the land.

RyeCatcher24

Oh ok. I wasn't familiar with that word. Thanks for adding a new word to the file. I love learning new words.

I guess the best way to address tenses is with an example.

Throughout the story, you write in past tense:

"The sun was beginning to set"...

"The couple left the car"...

"They made their way into the house"...

You write this way then suddenly it switches to present tense:

Harold and Glory take a seat next to a younger couple"...

Like I said, I really liked this story and I hope this helps

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I wish I had something clever to put here

horrormike

Wow, thanks for the comments guys, I feel flattered you would both take the time to give me a great critique. When I started to expand the story, I just kept writing, I kept having all these ideas and was really excited to put them down. It's funny, because what has always stopped me from giving writing a shot is I can get the gist of a story going but when it comes to fleshing out the details I freeze, and this was the first time that didn't happen. I spent an hour just writing non stop and I think I need to break this before it becomes a regular habit.
Reading it over, I can see numerous grammatical and spelling errors. I didn't even realize I was changing the tense of my story. I can see the work ahead, but I am excited to really perfect this story. Thanks again!

RyeCatcher24

By all means, if you like writing non-stop then do so. You can make corrections later.

I'm actually the opposite, I sit down over thinking my story until I just discourage myself. If you feel comfortable just letting the story take you away and then editing it later then do so. That's what is so great about sites like this, you can get people to look at what you have and if they feel compelled to say something then they will.

Keep up the good work. I would love to see some more of your writing.

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I wish I had something clever to put here

alias

While some of sentence structure is a little off, and there are a small number of spelling and grammatical issues. The plot gets the reader straight away and holds them to the end. It is great.

Unfortunately for me, some of the words you use take away from the story. They force the reader to stop and think. But overall great, I really enjoyed this.

horrormike

I spent a good amount of time proofreading the story and trying to get the smelling and grammar up to snuff. I'm glad the story hooked you until the end, I love it when a story does that to me!
Can you elaborate about the words issue? It's great to make a person think, but not break the flow of the story with complex words. I would appreciate any pointers.

horrormike

I spent the entire week working on this, adding dialogue, trying to expand on the characters. I know there is plenty of room for improvement, and I would love to hear what you guys think.

the_poison125

At first i thought it was quite boring up until the part were you find out there eating people.

One thing though.

My reaction was like this: "Oh only white meat? Wait black meat? What the hell? Oh there eating humans.... Ok...." Thats what i was thinking while reading the first part.

I think you should re write that bit so people reading it might react like:

"Oh only white meat? Wait black meat? What the hell? Oh My God! There eating humans!"

Perhaps you could ask one of the more advanced horror writers for tips?

EDIT: Perhaps thats just me though. I am fairly desensitized =P

Great story man. I cant wait for your next one.