Farewell - Writers Forum

LBK · 04-25-2008, 05:23 PM

An old man sits in an armchair on a cold day in mid-December. The heat is not exceptional in his enormous run-down Victorian home. Across from him sits not his son, nor his grandson but his great-grandson. This man is nearing a full century of existence, existence characterized sometimes by doubt and fear and sadness but mostly by happiness and love. The younger waits as much as an hour at a time for the ancient across from him to become alert enough to converse. Then he asks deep questions, questions that he thought he knew the answers to, only to find that he is still very, very young. He affectionately calls him “dad”.

“I was wondering, Dad, if you know much about unrequited love.”

“Unrequited love,” he repeated the question as if he were in parochial school once again but this time much more feebly. “No. I don't suppose I do.”

The young man was almost happy that he could chalk up a question that his beloved dad couldn't answer only to be joyfully disappointed as...

“I've only seen it close to fifty times in my life. Well, perhaps that's a small exaggeration but I could accurately say that even if I don't understand it I've felt it many times,” the old man's eyes began to close once again in sleep but the younger man gave him a verbal nudge.

“Would you tell me about at least one time?”

“Of course. Of course.” He said slowly. “I remember one time years... I don't even remember how many years ago... when I took a train from Boston to Providence to see my family. As I attempted to place my luggage on the rack above me I lost my grip. The heavy bag would have fallen on the old woman in front of me if it weren't for a young woman my age... I suppose I must have been young at that point...”

He considered this point and began to nod off once again. The youth would not allow this to happen. “And then?” He prompted.

The man woke up with a slight start. “And then we started talking. She was wearing simple, worn clothes and at first I didn't think much of her. But that was before I saw...” here there was a significant bout of coughing and when it subsided, silence.

“Before you saw what?”

“Her face of course.”

“Oh, of course.”

“She was beautiful. I had never been so caught up with just one look in my life. We talked for the entire train ride and I hoped that I could in some way politely ask her name or show interest in her but... I suppose I've never been good at those things. She spoke beautifully and articulately of how class and education mean nothing and that passion for your calling is the only true factor. I tried to disagree as lightly as I could without ruining my chances...”

“Chances for what?” The youth asked after a pause. He was asking rhetorically but was surprised again.

“For finding out her name of course.”

“Naturally,” the youth said, having expected a more assertive response.

“Like I said, we talked for the whole ride. We talked about personal meaning and vocation and many other wonderful things until we pulled into the station in Providence and began getting off the train.” The old man paused. “Now, you asked about unrequited love.” The young man nodded. “Well, this love went not only unrequited... but unspoken... unsung... unknown. Until...”

“Until?” The youth was fascinated by now.

“Until she left my sight.” He concisely reminisced. “As she disappeared into the crowd all I could do was think... Farewell my love. I never even knew your name.”

The old man's head sank to his chest and he began snoring. The young man's cell phone rang and he was forced to leave without explanation to the sleeping sage across from him. But as soon as the door closed the old man ceased his charade, raised his head one final time with his final tear in that century old eye and repeated his final words... “Farewell my love. I never even knew your name..”

Sen Yama · 07-02-2008, 09:52 PM

Poor old man, but I suppose that there are worse things to consider as you die.

gregorio · 07-02-2008, 10:07 PM

Good work. It hit home to me.

Mira · 07-02-2008, 10:57 PM

I think this is beautifully written. The only comment I can make is that I think the cell phone ringing is somewhat out of place. The rest of it is almost poetically beautiful, and the cellphone just doesn't seem to fit. If that makes sense?

DromedaryLights · 07-03-2008, 01:34 AM

A wonderful little vignette. I so enjoyed reading this I almost wish it was longer, but really it's just right as it is.

writeforfun · 07-03-2008, 04:10 PM

A nice little anecdote, but perhaps a bit sentimental at the end, with him shedding a tear...I'm not sure it built up to the point where he would shed a tear for something so long ago, or if he could, you needed to impart to us the significance of this encounter with the young woman in a stronger way.
the writing was clean, simple, precise.

AdamK · 07-04-2008, 06:30 AM

I liked it very much

The story is well-written, the language is all right and everything does its best to cooperate efficiently. I wonder whether it is only about love or there are some additional ideas. And I think there are things to be thought about. For example, a person who is with this old man. He is not his son, but his great-grandson. If this old man is about to die... where is his family? His children? Or, maybe, he is not supposed to die soon, that's why there is nobody from his close family there. And... maybe... here comes the meaning that this unrequited love kills us slowly, suddenly, without warning... and, of course, it is not death as such, but, let's call it, "the mental-death". And that this old man was taken away by his age and this unrequited love, which had found him in the end.

Anyway, it was nice to read it

ablelaz · 07-05-2008, 11:12 AM

Hi Tsark----Absolutely, The comments I made are for your use, so feel free to do with them as you wish.

Hi LBK---I must say I’m not all that impress with this piece. There are perhaps two reasons: One; I’m not much of a fan for human drama; it always comes across as boring, unless extremely well done. Two; although technical writing is not my strong suit I think this piece violates a lot of the basic rules I learned in literature.

I will do a paragraph by paragraph critique of this story printing only those paragraphs I wish to comment on. Remember, the comments I make are not written in stone, they only represent my opinion and I’m not always right.

An old man sits in an armchair on a cold day in mid-December. The heat is not exceptional in his enormous run-down Victorian home. Across from him sits not his son, nor his grandson but his great-grandson. This man is nearing a full century of existence, existence characterized sometimes by doubt and fear and sadness but mostly by happiness and love. The younger waits as much as an hour at a time for the ancient across from him to become alert enough to converse. Then he asks deep questions, questions that he thought he knew the answers to, only to find that he is still very, very young. He affectionately calls him “dad”.

(In the third sentence after [grandson] you need a comma. But is a word used to add something to a sentence and is almost always preceded by a comma. In the next sentence the [ands] following doubt and fear should be replaced with commas. The last two sentences are not required they just tell me what is going to happen in the very next paragraph.)

“I was wondering, Dad, if you know much about unrequited love.”

(You don’t need the first comma.)

“Unrequited love,” he repeated the question as if he were in parochial school once again but this time much more feebly. “No. I don't suppose I do.”

(You need a comma after [again] in the first sentence.)

“I've only seen it close to fifty times in my life. Well, perhaps that's a small exaggeration but I could accurately say that even if I don't understand it I've felt it many times,” the old man's eyes began to close once again in sleep but the younger man gave him a verbal nudge.

(You need a comma after [exaggeration] remember but is almost always proceeded by a comma.)

“Would you tell me about at least one time?”

(I think you need a comma after [about], but check it I’m not sure.)

“Of course. Of course.” He said slowly. “I remember one time years... I don't even remember how many years ago... when I took a train from Boston to Providence to see my family. As I attempted to place my luggage on the rack above me I lost my grip. The heavy bag would have fallen on the old woman in front of me if it weren't for a young woman my age... I suppose I must have been young at that point...”

(Okay “Of course—of course—I remember one time years—I don’t even remember how many years ago—when I took the train from Boston to Providence to see my family. Now in the last sentence you need it with an ellipsis; when the ellipsis is used at the end of a sentence, it indicates a list that is incomplete. You just need a simple period to end the last sentence. Now I believe when you use an ellipsis in a sentence you don’t leave a space after it, three periods and the dialog, or text starts right in again.)

He considered this point and began to nod off once again. The youth would not allow this to happen. “And then?” He prompted.

(This paragraph should end after the word [happen]. [And then] is a new paragraph, I don’t like starting a paragraph or for that matter a sentence with the word [and] I would have just went with the single word [and] he prompted is a dialog tag, we know who is speaking and we know he is prompting, so why tell the reader things he already knows?)

The man woke up with a slight start. “And then we started talking. She was wearing simple, worn clothes and at first I didn't think much of her. But that was before I saw...” here there was a significant bout of coughing and when it subsided, silence.

(Okay some challenges here, this is my take on it. [The man awoke with a slight start, “then we started talking. She was wearing simple, worn clothes and at first I didn't think much of her, but that was before I saw”—there was a significant bout of coughing followed by silence.)

“Her face of course.”

(“Her face; of course.”)

“Oh, of course.”

(“Oh—of course”)

“She was beautiful. I had never been so caught up with just one look in my life. We talked for the entire train ride and I hoped that I could in some way politely ask her name or show interest in her but... I suppose I've never been good at those things. She spoke beautifully and articulately of how class and education mean nothing and that passion for your calling is the only true factor. I tried to disagree as lightly as I could without ruining my chances...”

(I would end the third sentence after [ride] start the next with [i]. in the fourth you need a comma after [her] example;--[---but—I suppose I’ve never been good at those things.] The ellipsis at the end of this sentence is misused, you only need a period.)

“Chances for what?” The youth asked after a pause. He was asking rhetorically but
was surprised again.

(You use a dialog tag unnecessarily. Example;--[“Chances for what?” He thought he was asking a rhetorical question, but the answer surprised him.)

“For finding out her name of course.”

(A pause is needed after name, perhaps an em-dash or even a comma would work.)

“Naturally,” the youth said, having expected a more assertive response.

(“Naturally,” the youth tried to hide the amusement he experience, at receiving an answer he did not expect.)

“Like I said, we talked for the whole ride. We talked about personal meaning and vocation and many other wonderful things until we pulled into the station in Providence and began getting off the train.” The old man paused. “Now, you asked about unrequited love.” The young man nodded. “Well, this love went not only unrequited... but unspoken... unsung... unknown. Until...”

(The problem is the ellipsis at the end of this paragraph is misused. That’s precisely why I use the em-dash to indicate a longer then normal pause. I would change the first ellipsis to a comma and end the paragraph after the word unknown.)

“Until?” The youth was fascinated by now.

(Delete the word until.)

“Until she left my sight.” He concisely reminisced. “As she disappeared into the crowd all I could do was think... Farewell my love. I never even knew your name.”

(Just delete the reference [He concisely reminisced.] last sentence; -- “As she disappeared into the crowd all I could do was think—farewell my love—I never even knew your name.)

The old man's head sank to his chest and he began snoring. The young man's cell phone rang and he was forced to leave without explanation to the sleeping sage across from him. But as soon as the door closed the old man ceased his charade, raised his head one final time with his final tear in that century old eye and repeated his final words... “Farewell my love. I never even knew your name..”

(Drop the word [but] that starts the third sentence. Example;--[The door had no sooner closed then the old man ceased his charade. He raised his head one final time, as a tear glistened in his century old eye, he repeated his final words—farewell my love—I never even knew your name.)

I think for the most part, my comments had a lot to do with style and presentation. There are some error in punctuation and literature, but by enlarge it’s not all that bad. As I, said before not my favorite genre, but what the hell, different strokes for different folks.

Talk to you soon---ablelaz.

ablelaz · 07-05-2008, 11:19 AM

Sorry about the first two lineS, not sure how they snuck in there.---ablelaz.

Timex · 07-05-2008, 02:36 PM

There seems to be problems with stories where all the action is in the dialogue. Unfortunately that problem is present here. The whole story seems to stumble along to a quick climax that either leaves the reader astonished or bewildered.

As much as I like stories like this I can't help but think that everything save the dialogue should just be cut out because it doesn't help the story much.

I don't know about you guys but if every time I tried talking to someone they fell asleep, I'd give up on talking to them.