To Freedom - Writers Forum

needmoneyforcollege · 04-24-2008, 08:00 AM

Can you check out my story here,optimisticcynic's Profile - StoryMash, and give me some feedback. It's just the first chapter and I'm a relatively newcomer to writing stories, so don't be too harsh. =]

phurst · 04-24-2008, 01:14 PM

Copy and paste it over here so we don't have to go back and forth and others here can see the critique.

needmoneyforcollege · 04-24-2008, 02:02 PM

My shoes pounded the hard surface of the street as I bounded out the front door and raced towards freedom. It was one of those times when the mind simply rejects any influence from the outside and concentrates upon one, sole, idea or emotion. My emotion was anger. My idea was independence. It was not a good life, the one I had lived until that point, bearable only to a certain degree until I decided enough was enough and retreated to my room. One day, as the attention shifted from my older brother to my younger, skipping me altogether, I simply lost it and my room was not enough of a retreat. I whipped out the front door faster than a snake and simply ran. Far far away. I didn’t know to where I was headed or if I would get there. All I knew was that the only way I could go was up, because until then my life was way way down.

I slowed and came to a halt outside the subway station. I pulled out my wallet and checked the middle pocket. I had 25 dollars in cash, enough to buy me a one way ticket to somewhere far away. I walked towards the list of destinations and closed my eyes. I slowly extended my index finger toward the map and rested it somewhere near the bottom. I opened my eyes quickly to see where I was headed; Aberton - 130 minutes. Two hours away was a good start, but I planned on getting farther, much farther. I bought my ticket from the automated slots because I thought buying it in person might field some difficult questions from the ticket manager. It was 7:40 AM and the train boarded at 8. I bought myself a packet of peanuts from the vending machine and sat to eat them. I closed my eyes and thought of all that had changed in the past hour. I heard a rumbling as the train I was destined for came to a halt. I stood up and took a deep breath. I was on my way, on my way to freedom.

What did you think of it so far?

phurst · 04-24-2008, 02:50 PM

It was not a good life, the one I had lived until that point, bearable only to a certain degree until I decided enough was enough and retreated to my room. - Although proper, I found that sentence hard to read and keep the idea floating.
I whipped out the front door faster than a snake - snake would slither
All I knew was that the only way I could go was up, because until then my life wasway way down. - wacth the passive voice Try this site for info http://aztekera.com/tools/tobeverbs.php

buying it in person might field some difficult questions from the ticket manager - If I bought it in person, I might have to field some uncomfortable questions....
as the train I was destined for - poor structure. prepositional ending

I can understand about the character running away but no decent reason given and that needs to be fixed. Attention shifted from my older brother to my younger...is the explanation for leaving but what kind of attention was it?

Holden Blake · 04-24-2008, 06:20 PM

nice story. HA!

needmoneyforcollege · 04-24-2008, 10:40 PM

No need to be mean holden. Yeah it was just a first draft, no editing. I see what you mean about the direct voice but i don't think ending a clause with a preposition is the same as ending a sentence with one. When I thought of a snake I thought more of it having the fastest attack speed on record rather than its normal method of movement, but I see where it could be confusing.

This story sucks. I've had the worst writer's block...for almost 3 months.

Holden Blake · 04-25-2008, 05:00 AM

I wasn't being mean..more scarcastic..think about what I wrote. Nice story, sound familiar? Maybe if you bothered to write something constructive about other peoples work (or even something that shows you've actually read the story) other than 'nice story', 'good story' or 'show don't tell' then you would get more of a response. As a matter of fact I didn't even read your story out of principle.

Reading and giving feedback on other peoples work is benifical to both yourself as a writer and the person who wrote it. I would highly reccomend it as it can help you spot things in your own writing that you perhaps would never have noticed. This site offers plenty of tips on what to include in a critique.

Of course you are free to write what you want... that said, I don't know about anyone else but in my opinion there's nothing worse than getting a response that simply says 'good story' or something vague or bland like that. If you are going to give a positive review then why not say what it was that you found good, give the author some sort of feedback that tells him where his writing works or perhaps doesn't work. I'm not saying that you have to write an essay, be as short as you like but for goodness sakes try and be a little more precise.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way as I am only trying to help. Maybe if you give someone a memorable review they'll thank you for it when it comes to your turn to post.

needmoneyforcollege · 04-25-2008, 08:09 AM

Haha I knew that one would make someone mad. The site doesn't let you post hyperlinks unles you've made 10 posts, so I just went around to random threads and posted nice story. Sry.