Thinking Causes Problem (426 words) - Writers Forum

redsoxocd · 04-23-2008, 07:41 AM

Thinking Causes Problems

Staff member: Okay sit here and the psychologist will be in to talk to you shortly

Patient thinks to herself: I sit here thinking about everything that happened, trying to find someone to blame, but it dawns on me that all of this was my fault. I started the chain of events that led to this. But how, how did I let myself do this? No…impossible, why would I hurt myself? It was someone else, someone made me do this. No they didn’t physically make me do it but they mentally did. They screwed with my head so much that it made me go crazy. Or…was I just playing mind games with myself. Telling myself that if I did it I would feel better. Telling myself that it was that solution to all of my problems. Telling myself that…that…I don’t know!

I don’t want to think about this anymore! But here I don’t have a choice. I’m forced to think about things like this here. It just hurts. It hurts to much to see the marks that I made. The lines that will never go away. The scars that will curse me forever. Its not fair! Its not fair that I have to go through this. Its not fair that I have to deal with this pain. Its not fair that he doesn’t care. He says, "maybe she picked it up from her friends," and "maybe she’s doing it for attention." But tell my, why would I do this for attention. What kind of sense does that make! And then there she is. She claims that she wants everything to get better but in reality she’s making everything worse.

Its such a huge waste of time thinking about this. Especially when…Dammit, I can feel that feeling coming back to me now. My stomach is turning. Faster and faster, never ceasing. Oh God, here comes the feeling of want to throw up. Shit, the headache, it hurts so badly. Wait…maybe I can find something in here. Something that will…NO don’t think about doing that! But I see it. There it is. It can relieve me of these feelings. Just this last time. This will be the last time. I swear, I will never do it again. I promise. Never again will I do it.

[The patient picks up a thumbtack and begins to slide it over her arm, watching the blood come out bit by bit. The staff member and the psychologist walk in together]

Staff Member: Okay…What are you doing?!

Psychologist: You cant do that here!

Holden Blake · 04-23-2008, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redsoxocd

First off, it this suppoosed to be a play? It reads like a dramatic monologue (bar the small interjections of the psychologist and the staff member). As a dramatic monologue I can see it working quite well on stage. As a story it falls flat.

Thinking Causes Problems

I haven't yet decided whether I like this title or not. There is a case for and against I suppose. In one way it dosen't strike me as very inventive or exciting but then, having read the monologue I find that it does relate to the crux of the action so I guess it's up to yourself really. I'm not sure whether this is part of an extended piece or not but if this is all there is then I guess it's not a bad little caption.

Staff member: Okay sit here and the psychologist will be in to talk to you shortly
Maybe some stage dircetions or a short description of the staff members voice or even what the patient looks like would be helpful here. Even with a piece f drama, (unless it is being being performed before us) it is hard to imagine the scene without a little bit of direct inference.

Patient thinks to herself: I sit here thinking about everything that happened, trying to find someone to blame; but it dawns on me that all of this was my fault. I started the chain of events that led to this. But how? How did I let myself do this? No…impossible; why would I hurt myself? It was someone else, someone made me do this. There seems to be a lot of to and fro with the concept of blame here..I understand you are portaying a stream of conscious, but to read it seems a little repetive. In order to convey the fact that the character is battling back and forth in her mind, why not have her physically stand up in your stage dirctions at this point. Having her pace back and forth in the psychologists office and gesticulating as she tries to decide who to blame would be a more vivid way of showing this sense of internal debate. No they didn’t physically make me do it but they mentally did. They screwed with my head so much that it made me go crazy. Or no need for the ellipses here was I just playing mind games with myself? Telling myself that if I did it I would feel better. Telling myself that it was the solution to all of my problems. The repition of 'Telling myself' doesn't sound very convincing, once or twice is enough, but to say it three times sounds a little contrived Telling myself that…that…I don’t know! Some stage directions or description would be good here to emphasise teh emotion.

I don’t want to think about this anymore!Perhaps have her flop back down into the chair as a sign of defeat But here I don’t have a choice. I’m forced to think about things like this here. It just hurts. Again the repetition of 'It hurts' is too much, I know why your using it but there are simply too many examples of it already in use It hurts to much to see the marks that I've made. The lines that will never go away. The scars that will curse me forever.One of these sentences is enough using them both to describe the exact same thing is too much Its not fair! Its not fair that I have to go through this. Aagin with the repition, cutting it down to one or two examples is suffice as it's only a short monologue anyway. Its not fair that I have to deal with this pain. Its not fair that he- who? What about using 'my dad' to make it more clear doesn’t care. He says, "maybe she picked it up from her friends," and "maybe she’s doing it for attention." But tell me, why would I do this for attention? What kind of sense does that make? And then there she is.Again this is a little confusing, who are you talking about? The psychologist? The narrators mother? There is no harm in keeping some things disguised but if your going to do that at least make it clear who she isin't talking about. She claims that she wants everything to get better but in reality she’s making everything worse.

Its such a huge waste of time thinking about this. Especially when...Dammit, I can feel it all coming back to me now. My stomach is turning. Faster and faster, never ceasing? This description is a little odd to describe your stomach, it seems to infer that your stomach has only begun to churn and so how can it then be never ceasing? If it is a prolonged action then describe it as such but never ceasing sounds a little melodramatic. Oh God, here comes the use that instead of the here as you are describing a feeling that the narrator is familiar with feeling of wanting to throw up. Shit, the headache, it hurts so badly. Wait…maybe I can find something in here. Something that will…NO don’t think about doing that! But I see it. There it is. It can relieve me of these feelings. Just this last time. This will be the last time. I swear, I will never do it again. I promise. Never again will I do it.

[The patient picks up a thumbtack and begins to slide it over her arm, watching the blood come out bit by bit blood doesn't come out in bits (especially in a living person)as it's a liquid. Drops, pours, trickles, seeps, gushes, flows etc are a few alternatives. The staff member and the psychologist walk in together]

Staff Member: Okay…What are you doing?!
So far your staff member has only had two lines and he/she has used the word 'Okay' twice. Cutting out the second one would be the most productive I think as it seems to imply that they are a little off the ball when it comes to interpreting what would seem a very obvious situation. Think about it, they walk into a room where a patient is hacking up their arm in broad day light and its like: 'Okay... one two three four (a tumbleweed blows though the office)...*lighbulb eventually pings* and 'What are you doing?!' Oh and that reminds me, don't use a question mark followed by an exclimation mark, if you want them to sound suprised then show this in your stage directions.

Psychologist: You cant do that here!

This came acroos as kind of funny and I'm not sure if that was your intention given the seriousness of the scene up until this point. Perhaps it was supposed to be funny and if so it works but you should try to make it more clear as it's a bit dubious at the moment. If it wasn't supposed to be funny then I suggest you change that last line as the Psychologists reaction reads as one heck of a case of understatement.

Overall I thought this would work as a pretty effective monologue. At the moment it doesn't really stand on its on and I can see it being part of a larger piece. I feel that a lot of tidying up needs to be done in order to seek out its greatest potential but I would certainly say it is worht your while. You have the makings of a good dramatic monologue here and I would advise you to start by cutting out much of the repetition, the ellispes and try to be a little more inventive with your stage directions and descritions. Hopefully some of these suggestions with have been of use to you. Thanks for sharing, HB

needmoneyforcollege · 04-24-2008, 07:54 AM

it could be a part of a large philosophical book