any help here for two paragraphs? - Writers Forum

nacreous · 04-21-2008, 11:56 PM

this is the conclusion of my most recent completed short story. the work is 20 pages long, and I am most concerned with getting this conclusion to read as smoothly as possible. any general suggestions would be welcome.

When Alaja regained consciousness again, she found herself lying along the side of Forbidden drive, being shaken by a young man in a jogging suit. He made her as comfortable as her could, wrapping her in his jacket, and then he sped off for some help. She laid there and shivered, thinking of what had become of Teneisha, crying again for some minutes before an ambulance could be heard echoing down the valley. Quickly the vehicle took her and bore her to the hospital where she had met first with her new friend.

Alaja was revived from her shock within a few days at the hospital. She spent a couple weeks there, resting in the children’s ward until she was transferred to the state mental health facility in Wendhaven. She spent the following six and a half years there, mute years of quiet isolation, mostly catatonic and unwilling to communicate. She would sing strange songs late into the night there. Slowly, she began to draw once again, and her artwork soon became her method of self-healing. She drew dazzling scenes of terrified life and strange and omnipotent death. Slowly she evolved into a brilliant artist, and when she was released from the facility at twenty years of age, she began a long career with those works of horror. Eventually she made a comfortable living from her art, selling her works all over the world. Always were there chilling images of death, a blending of the strange song and the blinding beauty. And through each of the bizarre scenes, flowing through some empty eye socket or hiding with the hollow boles of dead trees, always there was the image of the death flower itself, smiling at the world and singing happily of its’ ultimate demise.

WriterJohnB · 04-22-2008, 06:23 AM

It's pretty smooth already. My first comment is the only major one, the rest are just suggestions. Hope that helps.

JohnB

Quote:

Originally Posted by nacreous

When Alaja regained consciousness (If she's REGAINED consciousness AGAIN, she's been unconscious twice)again, she found herself lying along the side of Forbidden drive, being shaken by a young man in a jogging suit. He made her as comfortable as her could, wrapping her in his jacket, and then he sped off for some help. She lay there and shivered, thinking of what had become of Teneisha, crying again for some minutes before an ambulance could be heard echoing down the valley. Quickly the vehicle took her and bore her to the hospital where she had met first with her new friend.

Alaja was revived from her shock within a few days at the hospital. She spent a couple weeks there, before being transferred to the state mental health facility in Wendhaven. She spent the following six and a half years there, in quiet isolation, mostly catatonic and unwilling to communicate. She would sing strange songs late into the night. Slowly, she began drawing again, and her artwork soon became her method of self-healing. She drew dazzling scenes of terrified life and strange and omnipotent death, evolving into a brilliant artist. When she was released from the facility at twenty years of age, she began a long career with those works of horror. Eventually she made a comfortable living from her art, selling her works all over the world. Always were there chilling images of death, a blending of the strange song and the blinding beauty. And through each of the bizarre scenes, flowing through some empty eye socket or hiding with the hollow boles of dead trees, always there was the image of the death flower itself, smiling at the world and singing happily of its’ ultimate demise.

Holden Blake · 04-22-2008, 07:27 AM

[quote=nacreous;1115121]this is the conclusion of my most recent completed short story. the work is 20 pages long, and I am most concerned with getting this conclusion to read as smoothly as possible. any general suggestions would be welcome.

Hey, this should probabily be placed in the critique and advice section even though it's part of a short story. It would propbabily get a response more suited to you purpose if you placed it there- just an initial suggestion.

When Alaja regained consciousness again, she found herself lying along the side of Forbidden drive perhaps you should capitalise drive if it goes with Forbidden to form a place name, being shaken by a young man in a jogging suit. He made her as comfortable as her could, wrapping her in his jacket, then sped off for some help. She lay there and shivered, wondering what had become of Teneisha. She began to cry. After some miniutes an ambulance could be heard echoing down the valley. Quickly the vehicle came and took her to the hospital, back to the very place where she had first encountered her new friend.

Over the next few days, Alaja recovered well from her shock at the hospital. She spent a couple weeks there, resting in the children’s ward until she was transferred to the state mental health facility in Wendhaven. She spent the following six and a half years there, mute years of quiet isolation, mostly catatonic and unwilling to communicate. Somtimes she would sing strange songs late into the night. Slowly, she began to draw again, and her artwork soon became her method of self-healing.

She drew dazzling scenes of terrified life and strange and omnipotent death. Slowly she evolved into a brilliant artist, and when she was released from the facility at age twenty, she began a long career with her works of horror.

Eventually she made a comfortable living from her art, selling her works all over the world. Always were there chilling images of death, a blending of the strange song and the blinding beauty. And through each of the bizarre scenes, flowing through some empty eye socket or hiding with the hollow boles of dead trees, always there was the image of the death flower itself, smiling at the world and singing happily of its’ ultimate demise. Okay I really don't understand this last paragraph and I think I'd need to know more of the story to really give it a good revision.

Hope this helps. HB

Holden Blake · 04-22-2008, 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nacreous

this is the conclusion of my most recent completed short story. the work is 20 pages long, and I am most concerned with getting this conclusion to read as smoothly as possible. any general suggestions would be welcome.

When Alaja regained consciousness again, she found herself lying along the side of Forbidden drive, being shaken by a young man in a jogging suit. He made her as comfortable as her could, wrapping her in his jacket, and then he sped off for some help. She laid there and shivered, thinking of what had become of Teneisha, crying again for some minutes before an ambulance could be heard echoing down the valley. Quickly the vehicle took her and bore her to the hospital where she had met first with her new friend.

Alaja was revived from her shock within a few days at the hospital. She spent a couple weeks there, resting in the children’s ward until she was transferred to the state mental health facility in Wendhaven. She spent the following six and a half years there, mute years of quiet isolation, mostly catatonic and unwilling to communicate. She would sing strange songs late into the night there. Slowly, she began to draw once again, and her artwork soon became her method of self-healing. She drew dazzling scenes of terrified life and strange and omnipotent death. Slowly she evolved into a brilliant artist, and when she was released from the facility at twenty years of age, she began a long career with those works of horror. Eventually she made a comfortable living from her art, selling her works all over the world. Always were there chilling images of death, a blending of the strange song and the blinding beauty. And through each of the bizarre scenes, flowing through some empty eye socket or hiding with the hollow boles of dead trees, always there was the image of the death flower itself, smiling at the world and singing happily of its’ ultimate demise.

nacreous · 04-22-2008, 07:58 AM

hey thanks to both of you. some pretty good advice there. its nice to wake up and find the comments on your post from last night. I will do some edits today based on your advice.
have a great day. dont forget to vote!

needmoneyforcollege · 04-24-2008, 07:59 AM