Wildcard

A section taken from a western/horror novel that i'm currently working on.

The men immediately erupted, like six volcanoes that had been violently shaken from their primordial slumber.
The glimmer from the roof of the general store was now the nozzle of a 44. Caliber Winchester rifle. The man brandishing it fired another shot. The bullet whizzed past Beaver’s left ear and shattered the display window of the small shop behind him.
The men immediately dismounted and broke for cover. McCall’s revolver was out and he fanned two shots in the rifleman’s direction, forcing him to take cover.
Cunningham and Beaver hunkered down behind an abandoned crate of rotting vegetables. Tull bolted toward the saloon. When he was a couple yards away, a shot rang out from inside and tore the hat he was wearing from his head. He immediately dived out of the way of the second and third.
“Jesus Christ,” he screamed as he hit the dirt. He fanned a couple shots in the direction of the saloon doors as he scrambled to find some other means of cover.
Benny was pressed up against the side of one of the buildings, trying to catch a glimpse of the exact locations of their assailants. In all the excitement he had only managed to grab one of his rifles, but that would have to do. Bo had made his way across the yard to some empty crates, while McCall took cover behind an old oil drum.
The saloon doors suddenly burst open and two men emerged-the men that had opened fire on Tull no doubt. One of them toted a sawed-off, the other a revolver.
The one with the revolver was sent flying back through the saloon with a huge bullet hole between his eyes. Cunningham made quick work of him. The one with the shotgun got about three or four paces from the door before he too joined his comrade. Two more shots from Cunningham’s revolvers tore through his chest, and he fell to his knees gargling blood.
Two more rifle shots landed on crate which covered Cunningham and Beaver, spraying pieces of rotting vegetables all over them. One came from the roof of a store marked HUDSON’S, the other came from the roof of the building directly across from it marked BOB LEE & SON.
Beaver fired a round of blind shots from cover; all of them missing the targets completely.
“You’re wasting ammo,” Cunningham called to him as he reloaded.
Beaver suddenly burst into a bout of nervous laughter and fired off a few more shots.
Cunningham grabbed his arm. “Oh for shit’s sake Beav-”, another shot tore through the crate and splintered the wood just above Cunningham’s head. He immediately rolled onto his stomach and trained both revolvers in the direction of glimmer on the roof of the general store. Of the five shots he fired, two connected and the rifleman toppled over the edge of the building and landed on the balcony below.
“Goddammit, they got Jimmy,” someone yelled.
Tull had managed to find some cover behind a stack of wooden pallets at the corner of the saloon. His hands trembled profusely as he reloaded his weapon.
Shards of glass fell to the street as windows broke and nozzles poked through, filling the air with more harmonious melodies of gunfire.
“Walker,” McCall yelled over his shoulder.
“I hear ya,” Benny shouted back, amidst the music of gunfire.
“Think you can pick off that little cockroach on HUDSON’S?”
Benny took a deep breath and peered around the corner of the building. The shooter was within range but he would have to come out of cover to make the shot. He thought for a second and then yelled back “Yeah, I can take him.”
“Alright boys listen up,” McCall yelled. “When Walker takes out that shooter on HUDSON’S, I’m gonna hightail it across to the yard to the edge of that building he’s on.
“When I make my move, I want yall to put some serious fire on those widows. Keep those bastards ducking. When I get to the other side I’ll have a clear shot of the shooter on the BOB LEE building.”
He shot a glance back over his shoulder. “Cunningham?”
“Yeah,”
“As soon as I take him out, I want you and Beaver to get your asses into that building and take out the rest of them shooters. I’ll cover you boys from over there.” He nodded toward the direction of HUDSON’S.
“Sounds like fun,” Cunningham responded as he reloaded his pistols.
“The rest of you boys, keep your assholes puckered and wait for my signal.” He checked his ammo. Satisfied he called back over his shoulder to Benny.
“Whenever you’re ready Walker.”
Benny took another deep breath and peered around the corner once again. He waited for the rifleman to fire another shot, then he broke cover.

Industrial

hmmm. Where to start.

Lets start with the first sentence.

"The men immediately erupted"
How do men erupt again? their gunshots can erupt, but not the men themselves, I'm guessing thats what you meant.

Your begining sentence lacks originality, it seems like your trying to force your work off as some literary masterpiece with the opening simile. At that I think you failed miserably, your simile is weak and seems forced.

I would strongly suggest looking at Hemingway, when he writes a simile it seems natural and part of the piece, in fact the reader barely notices the fact that its a simile. Yours on the other hand seems like its forced, and besides its not very good.

"The men immediately dismounted and broke for cover."
They Broke for cover? "broke" simply just not do it for me. Besides the fact that it really doesn't even belong in the context you put it into just adds to the broken flow of the piece.

go for broke- to exert oneself or employ one's resources to the utmost, this phrase is probably where your confusion comes from. So I would suggest changing this to something else.

Your sentences are clunky, it seems like your simply adding words that don't even fit to lengthen it for some reason.

"McCall’s revolver was out and he fanned two shots in the rifleman’s direction, forcing him to take cover."

Insert comma after out, omit comma after direction. Comma use is basic stuff, lets learn it.

"Cunningham and Beaver hunkered down behind an abandoned crate of rotting vegetables."

This is an example of what your main problem is: This is supposed to be an intense moment, but instead your plaguing down the readers with useless details like "rotting vegetables". Stop trying to be so artsy, it takes away from the moment and ruins the piece.

I could point out a couple other things, but honestly it's just a waste of my time. I would re-write the whole thing if I was you. Your trying to get this to read like a intense action scene, but instead it reads like a dull, awkward piece that is trying to be overly artsy.

~Industrial.

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booker41

Yeah, not too bad. Who wrote it?

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I've never seen a sight that didn't look better looking back.

Wildcard

Thanks for the input Industrial. I can say I saw that one coming from a mile away...I was actually expecting it. As far as the whole comma thing goes, I'm not very good at that and I'm not ashamed to admit, so I try to place them as accurately as I can. Now as far as the first line goes, I assume you have a functioning dictionary in your possession. "The men immediately ERUPTED" is exactly what was intended. Here are some examples for you OH GREAT ONE;
"A rash erupted on his neck"
"The tooth erupted and had to be removed"
"The crowd erupted at the sound of the explosion"
Erupt: force out or release suddenly and often violently something pent up.
In this case, the men erupt at the realization that they have been ambushed. THEY are the confined entities but I wouldn't expect you to understand that, since I basically threw you into a random scene of my choice in the story.
If you're going to critique someone's work, dont tell them what they intend to say. How in the hell would you know that? You are not the one writing the piece. Instead you should tell them what you think of what they said. A good example of that would be when I called your piece bullshit instead of telling you what you intended to say.
Oh and by the way "Mr. Ever so Eloquent," my opinion of a good time waster is that piece you wrote; Murder Them All. Also, at the end of your amazingly lengthy critique I think you meant to say "AN intense action scene." Basic stuff pal.

Industrial

heh. I was just pissed off at you yesterday. It wasnt bad, it was pretty good, I was just being a jerk.

But hey read my other story see if you like it better, Jim the Masturbator in the Crituqe section, thats more like what I usually write. If you like it tell me if you dont be mean as shit about it.

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