A Deathgod's Deal, Deal 1 - Writers Forum

Savh · 04-16-2008, 12:41 AM

Sevhlias

A Deathgod's Deal
Deal 1

Here I am again, on this bright day, at the same place, at the cemetery. I still can’t forget that fateful day.

I just finished my last class and I went straight for the fountain as I bid bye to my classmates. I was thinking that she was already there and waiting for me, but I was wrong, because we met each other on the way to the fountain. There she stood with her long hair, big eyes and cute dress. I’m so happy that she was my girlfriend. She’s a rich daughter with no problem with the tuition in this prestigious college and I’m an academic scholar.

I met her on a group blind date made by my classmate and his friend. They both made a group; my classmate was in a group of boys and his friend was in group of girls. We went to an amusement park that day. All the girls were beautiful especially the only girl wearing a dress. I really didn’t want to go cause I didn’t knew what to do in those kinds of situations. I received a few confessions when I was still in high school, but I rejected them because I want to concentrate on my studies. I really regret that decision I made. Maybe a relationship would be a greater help rather than a nuisance for me. But, it’s all too late now. They probably hate me now.

While I was thinking of the past, someone was talking to me. It was the girls; they asked why I was quiet. The guys then teased me saying that I got zero experience. I was embarrassed as the others laughed.

Since I was in an amusement park, I decided to just have fun. We went to almost all the rides at least three times. All that time there was one girl always talking to me. We always clicked on many things and we had plenty in common. I didn’t notice that we became a pair on the rides we took, me and the only girl wearing a dress. My heart pounded when she smiled I started to get nervous and didn’t know what to do. I stayed silent for a while as I think what this was. We had lunch on a table where our view was the roller coaster and the bumper cars. I didn’t talk all through the meal unlike all of them.

The two leaders and promoter of the group date suddenly said that we would pair up and split. I didn’t know what to do; I was starting to get more nervous until she talked to me. I remember when we were introducing with each other. Our group was first the followed by the girls. She was the one that has most energy in her group. Her name was Nelah. “Ryle” she called me. To my surprise, she wants to pair up with me. I was so happy that made me confused and puzzled. I said yes, but I stuttered. She smiles at me again and there I knew that it was love.

So we split up and the two of us immediately went for the coaster again. We really have much in common and we like the same food except she likes pork more than my favorite beef. My nervousness quickly faded when I was with her and just had plenty of fun. All of the pairs would then meet at the exit when it was 7:30 PM. We were the last one. I was asked by the guys how did it go. I answered that I had fun. I also saw her being treated same way as me by the girls. When we got here in the morning, I was the only one who commuted cause all of them have cars. I bid my farewell saying that I would take a jeep, but Nelah called me and offered a ride to take me home. I refused, but she kept on asking and smiling at the same time. The group also said that I should take her offer. In the end, I agreed and felt a little happy about it. Her car was one of those luxury cars for the rich. It was bright red and the design was awesome. I blurted out asking how much it was. She giggled and answered that it was gift from his dad on her birthday last week. I quickly said belated happy birthday and she giggled again and then she said thanks to me. If I had a happiness limit, it would have been broken by now. We kept talking about ourselves and our families. She was a daughter of wealthy and powerful parents while I was a poor student with a poor family with two little sisters and a small house. She can’t believe on some things I went through in the past, but I kept saying that it was the truth. We arrived in front of my house and she even walked me to the door. We then bid bye and she went walking back to her car, but I called her and then said that I love her and if she would like to be my girlfriend. My heart was racing and can’t do anything else, but wait for her answer. It was my first confession and I didn’t know what I did was right, but I can’t stop my feelings anymore longer. I look her in the eyes as I wait for her answer. When she opened her lips my heart starts beating faster. “I’m happy to be your girlfriend, because I fell in love with you also.” Those words, those words, those words, are those really true. When I looked at her blushing face, I figured it wasn’t a dream or an illusion, it was real. I was so happy that I hugged her. My parents then shouted congratulations from my back. We were surprised, my parents and little sisters were watching me the whole time. Nelah and I were blushing red as we got teased by my parents. My father and mother quickly asked if she would like to stay for dinner. She refused, but no one can turn down my mother. We ended up eating dinner at my house. I got teased a lot saying that I never had a girlfriend before. It was so embarrassing that I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide forever.

Here we are, almost a year in the relationship. We have small fights in the past, but we easily fixed those problems. I already met her parents and they didn’t like me at first. In the next two days, we would have a first anniversary. But, on that fateful day, I asked Nelah to drop me to the mall because I wanted to buy a book. She wasn’t able to come with me because she had to visit his grandparents that was staying in America and has to get ready for it. Luckily the mall was on the way that saved me a few change. While I was looking for the book, I suddenly felt something was placed on my head. When I looked at it by removing it from my head, It was a black baseball hat. I wondered whose it was. To my surprise a few guards came and forcibly put my hands on my back and put in a hand cuffs. I kept asking why and they said something about murder. I was then taken to a police station were my stuffs were taken from me. I asked them why they took me here and they said that I killed someone. I kept saying why would I kill someone, but the police said that a witness saw me stabbed someone and stole her purse and then ran into the mall. “How is that possible?” I said. The police was confident that I was the murderer and presented me a knife that was inside my shoulder bag. The knife had blood on it, but it was my first time seeing that knife and so I told the police, but they didn’t believed it and what’s more was the victim’s purse was also inside my bag. I tried to reason to them, but it was for naught. I was brought to a jail cell. Luckily, I was all alone and didn’t have anyone that was a criminal on my side. I kept shouting that I was framed, but they won’t listen to me. I stayed in the corner for a while and that was when I shouted out loud because I saw a flying hooded cloak. There was no one wearing the cloak, but it standing there with the hood covering something. The police came and asking what happened. I told them about the cloak, but they can’t see it, I was the only who can see it, but why? The police said that I was on drugs and I was hallucinating. But, this was real, there is something standing right in front of me. The thing then spoke to me saying:

“You are being suspected as a murderer and have the evidence against you.”

“What are you, how come only I can see you?”

“I’m a Deathgod and I’m here to offer you a deal.”

“Deal?”

“Yes.”

“What Deal”

“I will make the real murderer kill someone, so they will think that you were not the real murderer and set you free.”

“What!”

“I don’t want to repeat myself.”

“Is that even possible?”

“I’m here standing in front of you and only you can see me, is that possible?”

“Well…”

“Believe me, everything I say is the truth.”

“But, that would mean someone would die so I can be free.”

“Yes.”

“Then I would not like that.”

“So, you rather stay here in jail?

“I don’t want that.”

“Then choose.”

“I’m innocent, I’m sure I’m gonna be free from these accusations.”

“Oh really? An eye witness, a knife and the purse, no matter where you look, you’re the murderer plus you are poor,. That’s a pretty good motive don’t you think.”

“But I those weren’t mine.”

“I know, that’s why I’m offering this deal. You’re luck you’re the only one here, but this is just a temporarily thing and they would send to the proper jail and there you would experience things that you would not want. What would your love ones would thinks if the find out you were a murderer and a purse snatcher.”

Nelah!

“Don’t you want to leave this place; don’t you have an important thing to do in the future?”

The anniversary!, but someone would die, but I don’t want to stay here….. I don’t know what to do.

“Just say I agree and you will be free.”

………………

“So, what’s it going to be?”

“I agree.”

The moment I said those words, the deathgod disappeared and the cell door opened. The police said I;m free and captured the real murderer. I asked how they caught him. He said the he stole another purse this time using a gun and then stole a car by shooting all that inside of it. The car chase took long, but they managed to stop him, but the passengers were all dead. I kept saying that it was my fault in my head. Another police then came whispering to the person I was talking with. Then that police would tell me something that killed me inside. The murderer’s victims were Nelah, my parents and my little sisters.

That day, my parents received a call from the police about me. They called Nelah about it and asked for some details. Nelah was surprised and went to my house and offered a ride. As they went for me at the police station, that was when the murderer took Nelah’s car and killed them all.

Since that day, I came here almost everyday to visit their graves. It was my entire fault.

“You there.”

Someone called Ryle as he looks down the grave. He turns and saw a guy in a big gray coat.

“You took the deathgod’s deal?”

“Huh...”

His eyes widened.

“You know about the deathgod?”

“I know. What would you do if I can make you a deal that you didn’t took the deathgod’s deal and stayed in prisons for more that fifteen years.”

“I would take it. It’s better than this. I never wanted for this to happen. I would agree to that deal. Please make that deal.”

“…………. Too bad, I can’t make those kinds of deals. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

He laughed as he walked away. Ryle on the other hand was left in despair. He fell down to his knees and started crying.

LolliAdverbs · 04-16-2008, 12:53 AM

Some paragraph breaks would be great. Sometimes text is overwhleming in such big blocks, and it's easy to lose one's place in it.

Savh · 04-16-2008, 12:58 AM

^

please tell me about those paragraph breaks, I don't know what it is hehe.

LolliAdverbs · 04-16-2008, 01:40 AM

Well, everytime you encounter a new idea in the narrative, you press the good old enter key.

For Example:

I met her on a group blind date made by my classmate and his friend. They both made a group; my classmate was in a group of boys and his friend was in group of girls. We went to an amusement park that day. All the girls were beautiful especially the only girl wearing a dress. I really didn’t want to go cause I didn’t knew what to do in those kinds of situations. I received a few confessions when I was still in high school, but I rejected them because I want to concentrate on my studies. I really regret that decision I made. Maybe a relationship would be a greater help rather than a nuisance for me. But, it’s all too late now. They probably hate me now.

While I was thinking of the past, someone was talking to me. It was the girls; they asked why I was quiet. The guys then teased me saying that I got zero experience. I was embarrassed as the others laughed.

Since I was in an amusement park, I decided to just have fun. We went to almost all the rides at least three times. All that time there was one girl always talking to me. We always clicked on many things and we had plenty in common. I didn’t notice that we became a pair on the rides we took, me and the only girl wearing a dress. My heart beated when she smiled I started to get nervous and didn’t know what to do. I stayed silent for a while as I think what this was. We had lunch on a table where our view was the roller coaster and the bumper cars. I didn’t talk all through the meal unlike all of them.

The two leaders and promoter of the group date suddenly said that we would pair up and split. I didn’t know what to do; I was starting to get more nervous until she talked to me. I remember when we were introducing with each other. Our group was first the followed by the girls. She was the one that has most energy in her group. Her name was Nelah. “Ryle” she called me. To my surprise, she wants to pair up with me. I was so happy that made me confused and puzzled. I said yes, but I stuttered. She smiles at me again and there I knew that it was love.

Also, the red are tense errors. I assume you meant to write this in past and not historical present.

Savh · 04-16-2008, 01:43 AM

ahh, now I understand.

Thanks much.

I'll edit my first post.

nacreous · 04-16-2008, 06:38 PM

this is really weird, and very slow. and once it gets going, its really very predictable.. you could go in many wonderful directions with such a title, though. I'm jealous that I didnt think of it first. Many paragraphs are far too long, and I want more setting and background than your providing. You have work to do, but it could really be worth it here. good luck with your words