Industrial

Jamal was not a “nice” person, seventeen, and already in a gang.

One night Jamal hit a line of cocaine. Jamal decided to sneak out of his house; before the night would be over Jamal will have murdered three Latin Kings, raped the queen, and shoot at the messiah Jesus Christ himself.

“Murddderrr em’, gonna murder em’, for a competition Ima murderr em’”

Jamal liked the feeling of banging under the stars. Once Jamal climbed out of his window he decided it would be safer to walk down an alley. In the shadows Jamal watched though a window as a man stacked bricks to the ceiling.

“These bricks are myn now, whatcha gonna do? I can steal any niggers shit and fuck their girl too. “

Along time ago Jamal bought a handgun for twenty bucks. Jamal shot at the man though the glass; in a second the man was "fried fuckin barbeque". Jamal climbed in and stuffed his pockets full of cocaine and money.

Jamal was feeling really good by now.

Jamal decided it was time to go. In a second cops would be all over him trying to frame him for murder. Jamal hopped back down and decided to go see how his sister was doing.

Jamal frequently decides to drop in on his sister for visits of the violent nature:

yo cuz whatz poppin? WHATS CRACKING? Dey call me crazy JAY.
Who the fuck are you nigger?
Crazy JAY nigga.
What the fuck you banging?
Nigga, you don’t need to knoe what im bangin, ill rip u like a fuckin rabbit.

Enough talking. Jamal hated talking anyway; he sucked at it. Back to business:

Jamal decided he didn’t like this nigger. Jamal didn’t feel like reaching all the way in his jacket for his gun. His blade was already in his hand.

Jamal walked up and ripped into his muscles with a 2 inch box cutter. Fucking sliced him up real good.

Remember: Make sure to cut the throat, without a throat he cant talk shit.

For the first time Jamal noticed a girl screaming hysterically over the dead body.

“Bitch you best clean yoself up, im bout ta show u some real lovin’, lovin’ you aint gonna get from no dead nigga, he’s fuckin’ rollin’ in his fuckin’ intestines right now.”

Jamal yoked the bitch up by her hair. She started scratching and yelling.

Her nails burrowed into his black skin; his black skin burrowed into the night.

This made Jamal angry. Jamal decided to cut her ankles to shut her up. Jamal took out his knife and slipped it into the soft tender skin behind the ankle.

This made her scream more.

Jamal started to think, it's always hard for Jamal to think, that's why he doesn't do it often; Jamal couldn't stand the screaming, and he wasn't about to get caught because a stupid slut cant shut her trap.

Jamal intensified his efforts, but like his limp penis, his effort was again foiled.

“Here I gotta treat for ya”

Jamal took out his cocaine and shoved it into her mouth and nostrils.

She was STILL resisting.

After a while of struggle and a couple gun shots she finally lay slightly twitching slightly on the street.

All this fighting got Jamal out the mood. After a couple focused efforts to get hard he turned and walked away.

Jamal was not the average youth, stupid, big, and black.

In his spare time Jamal liked to kill people; the gangs, the drugs, the sex, it was just an excuse to fuckin’ kill em’ all.

Jamal noticed it was the world versus him, and with this thought in mind he shoved a needle in his vein and shot up some nice, pure heroin.

Now Jamal was feeling really, really, really good.

Jamal was tired of walking, so he grabbed some old mans keys and made away with his car, but not before making sure to kill him and his little granddaughter before leaving.

Jamal shoved the limp bodies into the trunk, and as he finished his jack he amused himself by arranging the old man and little girl in compromising positions throughout his dirty trunk.

The stench of mangled corpses escaped from the bullet holes on the trunk.

Jamal smelt the stench; and saw that it was good.
They later found the bodies half eaten to death by rats in an abandoned warehouse.

Jamal arrived back at his house, but something was wrong, and he still couldn’t sleep.

As Jamal walked up to steal his mom’s PCP, he accidentally shot his mom in the chest. Jamal looked down on his bleeding mother. Jamal didn’t like her looking all bloody and what not, so he stripped her down and put her in the shower.

“Here take a shower ma.”
Mom: Why thank you for the shower Jamal, you’re such a loving son.
“Don’t worry ma I’ll git us off the streets .”
Mom: I know we will, you are better than this, we have a future, we have the American dream.
"Ma, i was thinkin', we could ride the train up to New York City, I hear there are plenty monkey niggers up dere, ill rule the streets and murder em all."
Mom: That sounds so nice.

With his mothers kind words resting on his shoulder Jamal decided it was time to get some train tickets. Jamal never rode a train before, but how hard could it be, and now he could carry his mom in a suitcase.

She's safe in the suitcase, I always know where she is.

Jamal was arrested with his grueling collection of bodies trying to pass though airplane security.

Right now Jamal is feeling EXTREMELY good.

-fin

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Industrial

Stupid internet. Double post.

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kidstaple

Useful tip: you don't have to use Jamal's name every time he does something. I'm pretty sure the readers know who the main character is. Be creative, throw some he's in there.

So, instead of writing it like this:

Jamal liked the feeling of banging under the stars. Once Jamal climbed out of his window he decided it would be safer to walk down an alley. In the shadows Jamal watched though a window as a man stacked bricks to the ceiling.

Write it like this:

Jamal liked the feeling of banging under the stars. Once he climbed out of his window, he decided it would be safer to walk down the alley. In the shadows, Jamal watched through a window as a man stacked bricks to the ceiling.

This color = Switching between Jamal and he.

This color = Spelling error I just happened to see.

Hope this helped.

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"True genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, and conflicting information." - Winston Churchill

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." - Winston Churchill

Industrial

I appreciate the comment.

It is purposely written like that though.

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booker41

What's the purpose then?

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I've never seen a sight that didn't look better looking back.

Wildcard

That is by far the biggest bunch of bullshit i have ever read. No plot, no meaning and VERY poorly written. How old are you.....ten?

Industrial

heh. I appreciate your comment it actually made me laugh. Who said all forms of literature have to adhere to a plot, not everything has to follow the common archetype that you are obviously accustomed to.

I'm sorry you don't think it has a meaning, It actually has a very prominent message.

I don't really ever do this but I'll explain a little.

I can easily write a ostentatious piece, throwing out all the fluff, but that wouldn't work with the story. The narration fits with who Jamal is. Jamal has no purpose in life, so why should I mold a plot for him. The story is made for Jamal not the other way around.

I joined this forum to experiment with different styles of writing because honestly I don't find much pleasure in writing the usual stuff. If you want to criticize me for trying to write something innovative and test what I can do, go right ahead.

I can confidently say I can mimic whatever style you think you are the best at, and completely and totally do it better then you in every category.

People like you are the reason I write.

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SevenWritez

Industrial, you're funny.

Industrial

heh. I don't know to take that as a compliment or an insult.

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booker41

Thanks for the explanation. Wildcard, how about you post a snippet of your writing? I'm sure we could all learn from someone, who, so eloquently critiques other peoples' work.

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I've never seen a sight that didn't look better looking back.

Wildcard

Already have. Called "The Ambush". Oh and nice comeback Industrial, clearly had u figured all wrong. It's good to expirement but I still don't like the story.

Industrial

Sorry, I think it's you who has it figured it wrong. I wasn't trying to make a "comeback". You can say whatever you want I really couldn't care, because bottom line...Who are you again??

Second don't tell me I figured it all wrong, If you did not like the story thats different, and you could have simply said that. But thats not what you said is it?

I'm not trying to start a argument with you I was simply explaining some things to you, If I hurt your feelings or whatever I'm sorry but thats what happens when you go around criticizing with no intention but to put it down. This forums about helping.

And by the way, heres a little help for you: This is how Experiment is spelled, geez how old are you, ten?

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Wildcard

Haha. I'll remember that. Tuche.

nacreous

kinda loose for my taste, but it has some moments which were worthwhile. i dont like the disjointed feeling which I had while I read the first part of this work. The story does however start off with a very strong attention-grabbing device, which shows alot of talent. I just wish that it read smoother.
good luck with this work, and all others

Industrial

Thanks for the feedback nacreous.

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