I'm sorry Industrial, but just because this an experiment, doesn't mean that you can disregard consistency. Sure you can change up style and maybe fudge up grammar rules if it fits the narration/character, but when you're not consistent about it than it looks like you're lazy rather than experimental.
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One night Jamal hit a line of cocaine. Jamal decided to sneak out of his house; before the night would be over Jamal will have murdered three Latin Kings, raped the queen, and shoot at the messiah Jesus Christ himself.
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Present Tense
Past Tense
Mixed Conditional
Future Perfect
So shifting tense is suddenly experimental? Sorry, but you didn't pull it off. Instead, what I see here is laziness. Also compare these paragraphs:
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Jamal liked the feeling of banging under the stars. Once Jamal climbed out of his window he decided it would be safer to walk(hmm, I think this works because of the conditional but not 100%) down an alley. In the shadows Jamal watched though a window as a man stacked bricks to the ceiling.
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Jamal decided it was time to go. In a second cops would be all over him trying to frame him for murder. Jamal hopped back down and decided to go see how his sister was doing.
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They're all the same tense. So tell me, where is the experiment in all of this? Looks like you either gave up after the second para, or decided to write it with proper convections. I'm still deciding which one.
Another consistency issue:
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“Murddderrr em’, gonna murder em’, for a competition Ima murderr em’”
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Quote:
yo cuz whatz poppin? WHATS CRACKING? Dey call me crazy JAY.
Who the fuck are you nigger?
Crazy JAY nigga.
What the fuck you banging?
Nigga, you don’t need to knoe what im bangin, ill rip u like a fuckin rabbit.
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Quote:
“Here take a shower ma.”
Mom: Why thank you for the shower Jamal, you’re such a loving son.
“Don’t worry ma I’ll git us off the streets .”
Mom: I know we will, you are better than this, we have a future, we have the American dream.
"Ma, i was thinkin', we could ride the train up to New York City, I hear there are plenty monkey niggers up dere, ill rule the streets and murder em all."
Mom: That sounds so nice.
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Pick one and stick with it. I think you're trying to portray the mother as script like, but it would be easier to show that in dialog (which you do anyways...) rather than switching up the format. It
could work, but it doesn't work here. Maybe it would be better in a longer piece with more characters...
Also check your semi colon and comma usage. Alot of it's off and some of it is not even present.
Another huge consistency error: your voice. Compare this paragraph:
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Along time ago Jamal bought a handgun for twenty bucks. Jamal shot at the man though the glass; in a second the man was "fried fuckin barbeque". Jamal climbed in and stuffed his pockets full of cocaine and money.
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With this one:
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Jamal walked up and ripped into his muscles with a 2 inch box cutter. Fucking sliced him up real good.
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Why is the slang in the first put in quotations, while the second one isn't? It felt like after the jump from dialog the narrator changed from an observer to Jamal talking about himself in third person.
Now not to harp too much, I did feel like the repetition of Jamal's name worked and it didn't distract me from the story and eventually became a like the word "said" to me. So that was good.
I also loved this line:
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Jamal intensified his efforts, but like his limp penis, his effort was again foiled.
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Industrial, I'd like to reiterate that although this is an experiment, it doesn't mean that you can justify all the simple mistakes to your writing process. Really what this needs is a good edit, if not an entire re-draft.
Whenever you experiment with anything you always have to take a risk, whether it's an scientific experiment or literary one. That risk is that you're either going to be seen as a genius or a fool. I'm sorry Industrial, but I can't call you a genius for this...
