The Sole Departed Zeal - Writers Forum

Ghost.X · 04-13-2008, 06:37 AM

The new revised and rewritten version is here in the workshop. http://www.writingforums.com/writers...-1-1800-a.html

Well I just spent the last 30 minutes thinking of a name. Hope it fits enough. Anyways, this is the first part of a short story i'm working on. I hope to continue it soon. I might consider publishing so the second part will be in the workshop bit. Let me know what you think

The Soul Departed Zeal

I never did like her. She was always so selfish and mean. She simply had too much pride, and an unequalled desire to be on top. That’s not to say that was a good thing. She stepped over me like, I was nothing. Back in primary school, she would poke fun at me, call me names, and everyone would laugh along with her. It didn’t even have to be very clever, they just laughed. Bookworm was her favorite, poking fun at my glasses, my un-cared shuffled hair, and the books I always had with me. If she was ever too near, she would act disgusted, as if I was some disease. Everyone else would pick up on that habit as well. She was always the main figure in the group. She was never all that smart, just enough to get by on her grades by herself.

Nobody paid much attention to me. I didn’t care. I liked being left to myself any ways. Of course, it didn’t help that she would often point the finger in my direction. However, everyone looked up to her. Sure, she was beautiful, I can’t deny that. She had long red hair and a determined arrogant face. She was quite athletic too. She always championed the sports. Everyone called her name, never questioning whether she was an avid idol, or even an ideal one (to a moral sense to say the least), and I was always far in the back, watching beneath everyones shadow.

Once we hit high school some years later in about our second year, her indignant attitude towards me faded away. She just simply ignored me. She would still look over me, dismiss me as if I wasn’t even there, and go out of her way to avoid me. For her reputation of course.

Nothing changed really, it was just never out in the open.

--------------------------------------------------------------

But today, a cold winter day, was a profane twist of fate. We’re going on a field trip. The first task was to trek about 4 km to a cottage out in the woods. Don’t ask why. Ms. Adeshia would head the way, and we were to follow in her wake in twos. Ms. Adeshia decided it would be best if she decided who are paired up. Certainly, she would have known about the issues between me and Nyla.

"Why him?" Nyla pointed at me without looking, "I already have a friend I would rather be with. Its not like we would cause any trouble or anything!"

Ms. Adeshia would not be swayed. "This is not open for debate Nyla. You and Jaret are going to be walking this whole trip side by side, and I expect you two to be on your best behaviour!"

Defeated, Nyla twisted away from her with a hard gasp, spreading a cold mist from her lips. It was a sunny day, but cold enough to see your breath. Some of the other girls giggled at her misfortune. She turned a wicked eye in their direction.

"Shut up!"

She said it with such ferocity, the girls quieted. Ms. Adeshia began to round up everyone into the two by two line. It seemed me and Nyla were the only ones who got a real misfit. I never said anything throughout the process. Nyla was the last to get into position. She took a sigh, then walked up beside me, never looking my way, keeping her arms crossed. So the trek began in rows of high school students in typical winter ware and pack sacks.

The open sun created a thin layer of ice over the snow, creating a shell over the powder. It was usually annoying to walk through, lifting your feet over the deep snow repeatedly. You could trip over the snow if you were careless. The path we walked wasn’t so fresh, so it wasn’t much of an issue, and the trampling and crunching feet before us helped also. Surrounding the path we walked were endless amounts of naked trees that extended beyond our vision. The air was cold enough that you could feel it fill your lungs. I found it refreshing. I was looking towards this trip, but now, I just wanted to get on with it.

It was a bit awkward. We walked silently side by side, not a word was spoken. Her attire was more expensive than mine. She had a heavy cloth trench coat and a red scarf. I just had a black bubble coat. Everyone else around us was chattering.

She started to slack with her pace. I couldn’t just walk up ahead of her, so I was forced to slow my pace as well. Suddenly, other pairs of students were passing us casually. This is ridiculous I thought. She’s such a child. Is she so embarrassed by my presence that she has to slack?

It wasn’t long before we were in the back of the line, and still falling behind. Finally, I had to say something.

"This is ridiculous. I know you don’t want to be around me but this isn’t helping. We might as well just get this over with."

"Shut up and just keep up with this."

I couldn’t help but feel surprised. I looked in her direction and saw she finally turned an eye to me, but it wasn’t a pleasant look.

"What are you planning?" I said.

She just shushed me. I did not know what this was about, but I was curious. After a while, the class was far ahead and the chattering was barely notable. It was then that Nyla full stopped and looked straight ahead.

"I looked at the map before we started. We’re just walking around a great bulge of a path when we can just walk straight there in this direction." She pointed to our left, into the woods that lead up hill through very deep snow. "We can walk through here and get there first."

"You can’t be serious?" I waited for a response but there was no answer. "That’s a risky move. We can get lost easily, we don’t have a compass, or a map for that matter."

"It’s basically a giant U. All we have to do is walk straight in this direction. Their’s nothing to it really."

"Besides, we can’t just pick up and leave the group! We’ll be in trouble for sure!"

"Nobody noticed us leave. I doubt anyone will note our absence, or at least yours’.
And I can‘t stand walking in this way for another 4 km, it‘s so monotone."

She looked at me with both eyes now, waiting for a response. I did not say anything. She sighed.

"Fine, run back to teacher, but I’m going this way." She turned her back to me and started on her way up the snowy hill. The snow was deep but she ploughed through it with determination.

I looked back down the path the others have taken. They were now completely out of site. I could catch up if I ran, but I looked back towards Nyla. Can I really leave her alone? Should I care?

I did not move. I only looked in her direction as she treaded powder. With a sigh of annoyance, I soon followed.

lilacstarflower · 04-13-2008, 06:47 AM

This was good.

I would maybe suggest that when Nyla is partnered up with the narrator, we learn how he feels? You gave a good description of the scene and dialog but how did the character feel to be made to look so repulsive to be with for such a simple task? How does it feel to have everyone laugh as if they agreed he was nothing like them? some stuff like that would make me relate to the narrator more.

As for your title - I think its great! That's what attracted my attention to reading this. It gives the reader an idea of what type of story this is without giving too much away.

Look forward to reading more of it in the workshop!

Ghost.X · 04-13-2008, 06:53 AM

Wow a coment so fast? lol thanks, that is helpful. I'll work on ways to relate to the characters more. And i'm glad you like the title. I tried going for something meaningful but not making anything obvious.

SevenWritez · 04-13-2008, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghost.X

Well I just spent the last 30 minutes thinking of a name. Hope it fits enough. Anyways, this is the first part of a short story i'm working on. I hope to continue it soon. I might consider publishing so the second part will be in the workshop bit. Let me know what you think

I liked the beginning and quit reading right when you began to describe the snow. There's nothing wrong with it, but I guess it's just not my type of story. And there's no way in hell a senior high school girl is that immature. The girl you portray is too much of a caricature. The protagonist, on the other hand, is good so far.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghost.X

It was a sunny day, but cold enough to see you’re breath.

Your - your car, your house, your breath.

You're - You are. "But cold enough to see you are breath." Huh?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghost.X

It was usually annoying to walk through, lifting you’re feet over the deep snow again and again.

Same thing here. Your, not you're. Anyways, this is where I stopped reading, but since you made the same mistake twice, I suggest you look for any more "You're," instead of "Your," errors.

babeonownbike · 04-13-2008, 01:14 PM

Not bad, but quite a few errors even the simplest Word program would correct for you. Proof read then post.

Industrial · 04-13-2008, 04:18 PM

Come on kids lets learn the difference between your and You're.

I cant even read this straight without stopping a couple times to re-read awkward sentences. It just does not flow. misspelling words like "favorite" sure did not help also. There is MS Word for a reason. The sentences are clunky, crowded, or so awkward its hard to read them.

I also noticed some of the words you used don't even make sense, perhaps it would help if you know what they mean.

Considering this the story itself is not that bad. I guess.
Nothing new.

Ghost.X · 04-13-2008, 06:30 PM

Hey guys, thanks for the feedback.

Sorry about the you're/your bit. I know its wrong, its actually a bad habit of mine. I'll re-read the whole thing and fix any awkward sentences and spelling errors. I don't have MS Word, I use MS Word Processor. Obviously an inferior program if it can't find any of these mistakes. I'll download some better software.

Industrial, if you could provide an example of an awkward sentence from my story and suggest an alternative method, that would be helpful.

SevenWritez, why does the description of the snow turn you off? You say that there's nothing wrong with it. Do you mean you prefer not to read stories in an outdoor environment?

One more thing. I know Nyla is rather over typical, but this is onlt the beggining. I hope to mold her into something more interesting. None of this is suggested though as I can see, I will use a little more foreshadowing.

And the description of the snow is a kind of subtle fore shadowing of it's own.

You know, I just realized something. I was listening to opera, particularly Ave Maria when I as writing this. If this was a movie or short film, the music puts you in a certain mood and atmosphere, and suggests the nature of the story. But reader's don't hear the music and I sub consciously thought it replaced some of the required content. I will need to re-write this and fill in all the required elements to shape the story more in the direction I intended. I will fix any obvious mistakes, but the re-working and finished story will be in the workshop. Maybe in about a week or so. Any further comments will be much appreciated.

The changes have been made. Some words were changed or removed, and spelling mistakes were corrected.

YouTube - The most beautiful rendition of Ave Maria I've ever heard

lilacstarflower · 04-15-2008, 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghost.X

I was listening to opera, particularly Ave Maria when I as writing this. If this was a movie or short film, the music puts you in a certain mood and atmosphere, and suggests the nature of the story. But reader's don't hear the music and I sub consciously thought it replaced some of the required content. I will need to re-write this and fill in all the required elements to shape the story more in the direction I intended.

This is exactly how I work! It can really difficult using the same piece of music over and over to get you into the same zone (for want of a better word) because its effectiveness wears off. What I do is listen to it twice; first time gets me into the mood I want and the second I scribble down as many words as I can think of that would help me describe the scene with that mood. Then I write it out without the music playing. Just thought I'd share that LOL

Dr. Apopolus · 04-15-2008, 07:06 AM

Don't mean to be a killjoy, but this is nowhere near publish-able.

thales · 04-15-2008, 10:37 AM

Wow. Great writing.

My favorite part is where Nyla takes off on the unbeaten path and forces the main character into making a decision.

You may want to consider rewording the following, because they seem to violate physical law:

1. "Nyla twisted away from her with a hard gasp, spreading a cold mist from her lips."

Cold air can be spread, but the mist is the air that comes from the mouth and condenses due to a colder environment. So, a cold mist really wouldn't spread.

2. "The open sun created a thin layer of ice over the snow"

The sun can melt ice, or have little or no affect upon ice, but it wouldn't "create a layer of ice." Ice is created due to molecules loosing kinetic energy. The sun would only speed the molecules up, never slow them down.

Ghost.X · 04-16-2008, 01:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Apopolus

Don't mean to be a killjoy, but this is nowhere near publish-able.

I realize that. I still have much to learn.

Quote:

Cold air can be spread, but the mist is the air that comes from the mouth and condenses due to a colder environment. So, a cold mist really wouldn't spread.

I hope I had fixed this in the revised version in the workshop.

Quote:

The sun can melt ice, or have little or no affect upon ice, but it wouldn't "create a layer of ice." Ice is created due to molecules loosing kinetic energy. The sun would only speed the molecules up, never slow them down.

I'll have to do more research on the matter. When I was younger I experienced times when there seemed to be a harder shell on top of the snow at times. I had assumed this was because of the sun melting the surface of the snow only to be frozen again.

By the way, a new version of this part 1 is in the workshop. I prefer further reading on that one over this one. Thanks

http://www.writingforums.com/writers...-1-1800-a.html