Inca Secrets (677) - Writers Forum

Fyodor · 04-12-2008, 09:38 PM

Hey, I've decided to post some of my work here and hopefully some people can help me improve my writing. I'll also try my best to help others.

Inca Secrets

The scorching sun beat down on Professor Kent’s neck as he led his crew on the narrow mountain pass, causing him discomfort. His back-pack full of dynamite weighed heavily on his back. Disease-ridden mosquitoes buzzed all around the team’s heads and venomous snakes slithered up and down the dirt path ahead of them. For most of the team, this was their first encounter with some of the dangers of Peru. The high mountains were looking over a dense, lush forest—a forest that was home to several dangerous animals. The last time Kent had traveled through a forest like that he had narrowly escaped from some of those dangerous animals—and he had the scars to prove it.

Professor Kent visited Peru several times before and all attempts were in vain. The 41-year-old archaeologist was in search of an ancient Inca village that was rumored to hold many of the lost sacred texts of the Inca. Many of the ancient texts that had previously been discovered mentioned the village, but had not mentioned the location of it. Kent had put years of blood and sweat—and sun block— into this endeavor and suffered many injuries to reach his goal. He had become obsessed with it. After the many years of research and travel, Kent believed that he finally found the secret village.

The professor had been credited with the discovery of many historical treasures, but is often looked down upon for his methods. Many of his colleagues refer to him as more of a grave robber than an archaeologist and he causes much controversy in that field of work.

To reach this remote path on the mountain side, the team had to rock climb up from the forest below. This was something that not many people had dared to attempt before because it was so dangerous and those who had tried, failed. Kent and his small team were some of the only ones who survived. The professor believed that over the years, the path that the ancient Incas traveled crumbled and broke off of the mountain.

“Sir,” said Jason, one of the grad students who decided to accompany the professor on his venture, “that path doesn’t look stable. Are you sure it’s safe to go that way?” The path got narrower, forcing the team to hug the mountain walls as they traversed the passage.

“Yes, Mr. Conrad, it is safe,” responded Professor Kent in a strong, stern voice. “If you are too afraid, I suggest that you turn back now. You have to be willing to fight for what you want and be willing to take some risks. You just have to trust me.”

“Yes sir,” Jason replied, knowing now not to question the professor’s ways.

As Kent followed the turn in the path he could see an old wooden bridge that had not been traveled for many years which led off to the left across a wide valley. He could not see why there was a bridge there, there did not seem to be anything on the opposite side of the valley. And then Kent saw it as he approached the bridge. He saw a small alcove in the opposite cliffs—he had finally found it. The village was just a bridge away.

The professor began leading his team over the bridge. All of the years of work and research were about to pay off. His heart was rushing with excitement as he came closer and closer to the end of the bridge. The bridge was creaking and cracking and the professor did not even care. The alcove entrance was only 50 meters away.

All of a sudden the wooden planks cracked and broke in half and shattered into shards and splinters. The ropes on the other side of the bridge snapped and fell, pulling the rest of the bridge down with them. Professor Kent was just able to catch a fleeting glimpse of the secret village in the hidden alcove before he felt the bridge beneath his feet give way and the shards of wooden planks fall to the forest abyss beneath him. For a fleeting second, Kent felt as if he was floating in mid-air before following the shattered bridge.

TJ Cruse · 04-13-2008, 05:42 PM

Fyodor,

You've got some nice descriptions here and you did a nice job on the settings in particular. If I was to pass along a general piece of advise, I would say beware of the passive voice. By that I mean, your writing will be more vivid if you write with the active voice.

Quote:

The scorching sun was beating down on Professor Kent’s neck as he led his crew on the narrow mountain pass, causing him discomfort. His back-pack full of dynamite was weighing heavily on his back. Disease-ridden mosquitoes were buzzing all around the team’s heads and venomous snakes were slithering up and down the dirt path ahead of them.

Example, try "sun beat down", "mosquitoes buzzed," etc.

I think if you'll try these out and read them aloud, you'll see what I mean.

Hope that helps.

TJ

Fyodor · 04-13-2008, 06:02 PM

TJ Cruise,

Thanks for the help. I didn't even notice how awkward the tenses sounded. I guess that's something that I'm going to have to work on.

TJ Cruse · 04-13-2008, 07:35 PM

Fyodor, here is a good article that discusses active/passive verbs. It explains it much better than I ever could.

Active and Passive Verbs

I liked your story. Keep it at it.

TJ

thales · 04-13-2008, 07:50 PM

Fucking excellent. You carried my all the way through. Every sentence fluid, slowing detailing things without jumpiness. You made me feel like I was in the mindset of acadamia and adventurous souls. I felt like I was on the expedition. Great beginning!

One thing. I felt there wasn't enough detail on the bridge snap. It was the highpoint, but only got a few fleeting words. I would detail out that bridge snap.

Fyodor · 04-13-2008, 08:03 PM

TJ Cruise,

Thanks, I'll have to check that out.

thales,

I made a few edits in the last paragraph--hopefully they work. Thanks.