sanctuary

The old porch swing she sat on rocked gently, back and forth, as she looked out toward the yard. Her son sat on the grass, a look of concentration on his little face as he sat very still, holding a small jar between his tiny hands. Lightening bugs danced around his head, flitting through the night air, and the serious look vanished as he managed to catch a few of them in his jar. He sent a crooked smile in her direction as he walked over slowly, cradling his precious cargo carefully against his small chest. She laughed as he climbed into her lap and bounced up and down eagerly.
“What is it, my silly little boy?” she asked, and he held up the small jar full of lightening bugs for her inspection.
“Mommy, look! I got ‘em for daddy!” he said proudly. She smiled and tweaked her son’s nose, making him giggle.
“Why’d you do that?” He had another serious expression on, one that looked so out of place on his little face, as he pointed at the flitting creatures inside his jar.
“So they can show daddy the way home, just like you said they could! You said the light bugs always know where home is, ‘member?” She ran a hand over the baby-fine curls on the top of his little head and nodded, returning his serious expression with one of her own.
“Yes, sweetheart, I remember. But daddy doesn’t need these little guys, so I think we should let them go.” She took the jar from his hands and released the lightening bugs from inside.
“But they need to show daddy the way home!” he protested as he watched them flit away.
“He doesn’t need any of those lightening bugs when he has you, silly goose! You are much brighter than any of these guys,” she said as she put the empty jar down and pointed at the blinking creatures flying over their heads. “You’re so bright, you can help daddy find his way back home to us, no matter how far away he is.” Her son gave her another crooked smile before he threw his tiny arms around her neck and laid his little head against her shoulder.
“Really, mommy?” he whispered against her neck, his breath tickling her skin.
“Really,” she replied softly as she held him close and watched the lightening bugs dance in the night air around them. “I promise.”

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Fyodor

I liked it. It's pretty good. It seems pretty solid and I don't really see anything that I would change grammar-wise.

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“Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.” --James Joyce


Critique me and I'll do my best to help you.

sanctuary

thank you.
^_^
~Sanc~

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thales

I really love the lightning bugs in a jar so Daddy can find his way. I love how this whole thing surrounded the idea.

I was left with a few questions? Where is Daddy? Why does this kid think he needs to help Daddy get back?

Besides that there was only one other thing. I really think it would be better if you described the fireflies as the boy is catching them in place of describing them as thoughts in his head. But, keep his facial expressions going, i think that was done well.

sanctuary

Thank you too.
I didnt put too much detail in the dad situation so people can interpret it their own way. Maybe he's on a trip, or maybe he's a soldier. Who knows?

I'll take your advice and work it over
~Sanc~

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Fyodor

Hm...for some reason I got the idea that the boy's father had passed away or something.

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“Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.” --James Joyce


Critique me and I'll do my best to help you.

sanctuary

Like I said, it's up for your interpretation
I like that everyone can take something different away after reading it

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