S. Nine

The young girl stares out her window into the majestic glory that is the start of day, the surreal oranges, pinks, and reds that carry daylight back to Earth after each night. This stunning masterpiece in the sky serves as a reason to awaken prematurely from her slumber, and her half-asleep state simply augments the magnificence of what she is witnessing. She sinks softly into her mother’s embrace and all she ever wanted- happiness, comfort, beauty- is hers. If only for a moment, everything is right in the world.

The young woman stares out her window, taking in the incomparable beauty of the familiar palette of colors that announces the end of another dark and lonely night. She recalls a time in the distant past when this stunning masterpiece in the sky served as a reason to awaken prematurely from her slumber, and only wishes for this memory to be any part of her current reality. She knows that she must awaken almost immediately, but she is yet to be drawn into the simple comfort of sleep. She berates herself for her obvious inadequacy at performing what should be a basic function of living, yet she questions who could sleep in the aftermath of the experiences she has been plagued with. She lays down in her bed and she is immediately transported to a bed that could not be farther away, physically or chronologically. There is a man there, the quintessential lion in a wool coat. She wants more than anything to get away from him but she could not, she cannot, escape from the merciless beast on top of her, using his body as an instrument to express his rage, his hate, his inhuman need to destroy. Her body is little more than his plaything, his property…he humiliates her, tortures her by callously distorting acts meant for those in the throes of romance. Her pure terror, her deep, intrinsic feelings of pain and violation, simply feed his pleasure. She is a child again, a helpless little girl trapped in the clutches of a demon who looks at a child too terrified to breathe and sees a human sex toy.

It matters not that she is no longer a child nor that her bodily wounds have healed long ago. The moment she collapses into her bed, the unstable time machine in her mind brings her right back to the monster who robbed her of her childhood. He climbs into bed with her each night, violating her repeatedly, ignoring her screams of terror and anguish…yet her body is unscathed. She tells herself that he can no longer harm her, that he would not even recognize this grown-up version of the child he destroyed so long ago. But she feels him. She feels the indescribable pain of a child’s body being torn apart by a man more than twice her size. She feels the confusion of naïveté and the conflicting terror at both the idea of continued life and that of death. She sees the smug smile that invalidates her intolerable struggle. He is not here but he is, he is on her bed, he is inside her body, he is her shadow…a dark, terrifying shadow that follows her into even life’s brightest moments. He is not here but he is, so, for now, she’ll just lie awake and watch the sunrise.

SevenWritez

First off, a rule: don't post in your title "My first story," nor anything along the lines of "something new," "something I wrote quickly," or "I was drunk and wrote this at four in the morning," because no one cares. Just show the story. Anyways, as for the critique:

I really liked the idea, and after reading through an asshold of verbosity I decided to take a stab in the dark and guess you were under the age of 20 (and ta-da, you're 1. But that's not meant to be a "YOUNG WRITERS SUCK!" comment, because I'm 17, and I fall prey to the same thing myself.

The golden rule of writing is to omit needless words. I'm too tired to go into specifics, but plenty of the sentences here used words not needed, or seemed to be long and poetic for the sake of it. You may love how the words roll from your heart through your fingers onto the keyboard into the page, but the general majority of readers will get bored early.

Again, I can't list specifics--I'm fading in and out of sleep--but I suggest you go back through this, look at what words are really needed, and what sentences can be cut down.

The idea itself is great, and I like the device of having the character seek sunlight as a refuge, but the wordiness was off putting.

Katastrof

Pretty much agree with SeVen on this. There are alot of unnecessary words and huge words put in here for the purpose of only flexing some literary muscle. I'd rather read "The beach is that way" than "The grains of sand next to the voluminous flow of liquid is in that particular direction" any day.

I use to do this too, (well i still do, but not to the degree that I did when i first started) modifying words for no other reason than to show my writing skills. But all it does is creates a distraction for readers and takes away from your story. It's how you arrange your words that creates a good story, not how complex they are.

Anyways, I loved the imagery of the man as a lion, but I have no clue what quintessential means (I'm sure I could look it up, but it's late.).

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thales

This is traumatic. It sounds as if I know this person, but I don't know her. It sounds like someone I am close to, yet so far from. It's a terrible, terrible thing.

Dkissinger23

Hmm. Not sure what i think. It's pretty compelling i suppose but it feels like it could have been a little shorter, and not described what the man did so much. It seemed like you said basically, "He ripped her apart. He hurt her real bad. she's over it to some extent, but he hurt her real bad. He ripped her apart." Ya know. I know you were just trying to drive the point home, but the repetition hurt more than it helped.

The lion in a wool coat line was rad though.

S. Nine

Thanks everyone

nacreous

oooh! muy excellante. what description. what intensity. what precise wording. very well done, I love this kind of dense writing. very classic in overall appearance. good strong setting, plenty of colors and other internal stimuli, which really draw me into this work. Be careful with old-english constructions like 'it matters not...' You can do it, but dont overuse it. Generally, adverbs come after the verb they support. Break it up into smaller chunks, and it will become easier to write. I'd like to see where your going with this, for one. Good luck with this and all other words

TJ Cruse

S. Nine, I actually thought this was pretty good. It is obviously a tragic and compelling subject that evokes strong emotion. Yes, there are a few spots where you could drop an adjective or adverb. Example: "taking in the incomparable beauty of the familiar palette." Beauty is one of those words you don't want to modify but rather find ways to evoke the image of beauty or its effect without the modifier.

However, don't let yourself be discouraged by criticism saying you're too verbose. Many a great writer is/was verbose. Read Faulkner's Absalom, Absalom! sometime and prepare for sentences that run on for pages.

Anyway, my point is, write your style. If you're verbose, be verbose. Just do it well.


Keep at it

booker41

I agree with above quote. Yes, some of the words you've used, could be omitted, but over-all, It's a nice read.

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S. Nine

Thanks , I'm glad you liked it.

S. Nine

Good point, maybe I'll try to find another way to describe the beauty of the sunrise without the word beauty. Thanks