Jade M

I’m not very good at writing short stories, but I 'need to learn to condense my ideas' so I had a go. Any thoughts and criticisms are very welcome.



Patterns in flour

‘No, no, no, no, no!” With each word his doughy fist hit the sideboard, and a cloud of flour rose into the air. “Get out of my kitchen!”

“Sir, I really must insist you calm down!” a police officer said, placing himself between the angry sous chef and the cowering health officer.

“You have no right to be coming in here and accusing me of bad food practices,” Jacques raved, grabbing a cheese grater from the worktop and brandishing it wildly. “I clean up my kitchen regularly! Look, you can not see any dirt on this.”

“Sir, I must insist you put the instrument down right now,” the officer said, turning his back on the health officer. One hand made a calming gesture whilst the other reached for the baton strapped to his belt.

“Jacques, it’s alright,” I said, stepping forward. The second police officer placed a restraining hand on my arm.

“Miss, stay back.”

“It’s a cheese grater for god’s sake!” I snapped, running my fingers through my bedraggled hair. I turned my attention back the Frenchman. “It’s alright,” I soothed. “It’s not worth getting yourself into trouble.”

“This is your life, Miss Lucy. And these men think they can take it all away-” he turned back to the police officer who had just opened his mouth to talk. “No I will not calm down!” he yelled, face flushing as he hurled the cheese grater across the room.

Time slowed. Five pairs of eyes widened simultaneously as the cheese grater hit the far wall with a crash. I made a half-hearted dive to catch the slowly toppling stack of chipped plates. No use. Too slow. Smash. A wave of china swept across the floor.

For a second the kitchen was reduced to shocked silence. Even Jacques knew he had crossed the line. His mouth opened to apologize. It didn’t matter. The officers only saw only the bulky exterior. The police officer beside me stepped forward.

“Please don’t,” I said, tears prickling my eyes.

“I am arresting you for breaching the peace, you do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you fail to mention something you may later rely on in court.”

“What? What do you think you are doing? Take your hands of me!”

After a short scuffle, the two officers managed to pin Jacques facedown on the sideboard. He had stopped fighting and stared up at me like a frightened child. “Miss Lucy?”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “Just do what they say and it’ll be alright.” I hoped so.

He trusted me. I don’t know why.

“I am sorry,” Jacques said as the police led him away.

I moved into the kitchen, running my fingers over the sideboard, eyes seeing past the occasional patch of grime.

“Miss Moore,” the health inspector said, moving out of his hiding place between the fridge and the deep fat fryer. “You do realize this has serious implications for your restaurant.”

“Yes.” I stopped to examine a pan hanging on a hook above the sink. Memories of times long gone stirred like forgotten fragrances. I could smell my fathers award winning bolognaise sauce. Feel the warm vapour cloud my face as I knelt on the sideboard beside him, tracing patterns in flour. I gently wiped away the splash of grease. My reflection stared back at me, the wrong side of fifty.

“I will have to close your restaurant until further notice, I am sorry.” Maybe he really was sorry. He didn’t look it as he impatiently checked the time on his expensive watch. “Please sign here.”

I signed the flimsy piece of paper, and with every swooping letter the weight of the knowledge I failed my fathers dying wish crushed down on me. The inspector nodded politely and left.

I sat with my back against the stove and cried.

Roxane

I really liked the sentence where you described the flour. I read most of it, but didn't finish, what I read was good, but the main problem here is that it's all dialogue... You need to give us something else too, surrounding, thoughts etc. I was really surprised when there was suddenly an I person for example.

Wilem

Bit of an abrupt ending. Would have liked to read more . Ah well.
I liked it very much, the dialogue certainly made the piece and you've captured the stereotypical chief perfectly.

Loved it.

Maybe you could spend a little bit more time on the descriptions, the officers' facial expressions along with mentioning the existence of the health inspector, just some thoughts.

You've got some good work here.

__________________
The cake, it is a lie!
Questioning everything but learning nothing since 1991.

Jade M

Roxane: Thanks for the comment. Yes, I struggle with description, usually overdoing it or not including enough, as I have done here.

Wilem: Yes, like I mentioned above, I don't write very good description, so I tend to compensate by focusing on dialogue. Although I'm glad that you enjoyed it (Don't quite know why I thought that emote would be appropiate, oh well. It was too cool not to use.)

Thanks for reading both of you.