Oblivion Rising - Writers Forum

Crash_Tomas · 04-09-2008, 05:45 PM

Finally came up with a title for my story. Instead of finding the other topic, I thought I'd repost it to get newer reviews. It's got a little bit more tagged on the end, but not much. Hadn't had time to write the rest. Well, anything would be appreciated, good or bad. Thanks.
____

These days are complicated. I can’t distinguish one event from another; it’s all in one big collage of images that don’t make much sense. Each day passes slowly, but somehow molds into the rest of them prior to it. Maybe it’s what I deserve for doing what I did; selling my mortality. I doubt the man was the devil, but he was some sort of god. A decade of immortal life for my soul. Why did I do it? I was misled mostly, but I know something inside of me wanted to be misled.

His eyes were dark, the color of night in a thunderstorm. They made me shiver when I looked into them. Standing there on that cliff top, I could see out over the ocean, but didn’t take any of it in. His eyes kept on mine, as if he was in my thoughts, telling me what to think and what to say next.

“You’ll be immortal for ten years,” he said with an eerie smile. It was just past sunset and everything still had that light-out feeling. He was silhouetted by the sky in some odd, almost impossible way.

“In exchange for my soul?” I asked.

“Yes.” He nodded and continued smiling.

“All right,” I said. He held out his long hand, it looked like it was transparent.

“Do we have a deal?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said, taking his hand and shaking it. “What happens after ten years?”

“You will no longer be immortal,” he answered. “Therefore, you’ll be able to die.”

It didn’t occur to me that at the end, I’d be able to live without payment of what I did during that time. Say, if I was shot in the chest, the bullet would have no effect. This was the case…until the time was up. That meant that everything that didn’t kill me during the ten years, would kill me all at once at the end. Of course, this didn’t occur to me then.

The man wore a nice three piece suit. His shirt was maroon, the vest and tie was black. Finely fitted pants sat around his waist, trimmed perfectly down to his shiny black shoes. He stood at the same height as me and was about the same build. I watched his eyes again, unyielding in his focus upon me.

“Thank you for your business,” he said, “I must be going, then. Goodbye.” Before I could say anything, he was walking away from me, back down the cliff. He disappeared into the coming night and left me there in awe.

Days passed and I was left to live an incredible life like I could have only dreamed about. Parachuting, Skydiving, Racecar driving…anything I wanted to do. I could fly to Russia and get caught up in the mob, or climb the Rocky Mountains. I could ski down Mount Everest and live to tell about it. The world was at my mercy, all because I couldn’t die. It gave new meaning to the word ‘Invincible’.

I traveled to Europe, in search of a life away from what I was used to. I wanted to spend time everywhere; summer in Spain, autumn in Rome, winter in Russia and spring in Paris. That was just the first year. The years went by and I kept on moving, traveling everywhere. Money wasn’t a problem. I hardly needed it. Hunger had no effect on me. Neither did any physical torment. It was as if I could never get tired. Sleep didn’t come unless I forced it.

I became an Airplane Pilot and tested my skills during Hurricanes, Twisters, and all sorts of storms. The plane went down a few times; I always got out without a scratch on me. It’s funny how many people you meet and actually remember because you know that anything can kill them, but not you.

“Look out below!” someone called from above me. I looked up in time to see someone jump down from the roof of the plane. His feet slammed against the concrete floor of the hanger.

“Thanks for the warning,” I said, looking him up and down. He had khaki pants with workman’s boots and a nice brown leather jacket. He pulled a pair of aviators out of his pocket and put them on over his bright blue eyes.

“The name’s Wells, Gary Wells,” he introduced himself.

“Harvard, Jack. Nice to meet you,” I said and held out my hand. He shook it and began showing me the plane.

The word “Runner” was painted on the side in a piercing red. The hull was white with black stripes decorating the shell. The door hatch was opened and Gary showed me the ten passenger plane, including pilots. The seats were covered in a battered tan hide, as the floor was based in a fancy blue carpet that looked worn.

“How long have you been flying?” Gary asked me. The honest answer was that this would be my first time up. I must have looked like I knew what I was doing.

“A year and a half,” I answered. It seemed to be long enough for him, because he didn’t continue the subject. “Ever had to eject?” I asked.

“Nope,” he answered proudly.

“Good a day as any to start,” I said with a laugh.

“Haha!” Gary laughed, and patted me on the back. “You’re funny, I like funny.”

At the time, I barely heard this. My intention was to really test my immortality and crash the plane. It’s sad that Gary had to come up with me, but that was what I had to do. I tried to stop him from insisting to come, but he wouldn’t be deterred. I wish he had….

Well, that's all I have so far.

phurst · 04-09-2008, 05:52 PM

Just a few minor things. Why is money no concern? Interesting story.

Crash_Tomas · 04-10-2008, 09:23 AM

well, I will pm you with that answer if you truly want. But, I'll post it here too. Money is of no importance cos he can't die, and he can spend all he wants without regret. if he runs out, he can't go hungry, so he can just gather more, I suppose. That's why I even said it. Maybe its best to leave money out, I guess.

phurst · 04-10-2008, 10:08 AM

He needs money to travel to do all those things he wants so where does the money come from? We're talking thousands and thousands, planes, hotels, tour operator, etc.. I'd just leave it out as most writers do so when the characer does things nobody even thinks about it, they assume he has plenty.

Crash_Tomas · 04-11-2008, 10:55 PM

ok, will take it out to prevent future confusion

Shadow Reeves · 04-12-2008, 06:06 AM

nice story...the first thing i though of was ghost rider, seen it?
your story is obviously different just wondering if that was your inspiration.

i like it, good work

Roxane · 04-12-2008, 06:13 AM

mm I want to know what happens! I read the original version and this has improved, good job

thales · 04-12-2008, 12:02 PM

Cool fucking idea. I love this kind of shit.

Personally, I'd cut all the stuff you started with and slam the reader with instead with the soul-deal conversation. Otherwise, letting the reader in on it descriptively spoils it somewhat.

I thought the setting of the conversation was a bit overly metaphorical, until I got the sense that he liked adventure sports. Just an observation.

I'd really like to know why this deal is going down in the first place. I feel the devil should know something about this man, and knows that if he has immortality, this would play in the devils hands. Something like that.

I really like how you went right into how he deals with this new ability. I would resolve the chapter quickly after this.

I would break the airplane part into the second chapter.

I didn't not like that he was sudddenly someone who would murder a guy to get his kicks. If you would have gave an indication of his this sick side of him, it would have took it better. But, perhaps this is a trait you intend to bring out? Perhaps this is a repercussion of the deal with the devil that you could weave along up to the point. Otherwise, it was a distractive in a confusing way

Nice job. That conversation is the best part. Spiff it up the best you can.

Crash_Tomas · 04-12-2008, 12:38 PM

ghostrider is great, but I didn't think of that when I came up with this, but it probably was one of the factors that I added together. On a subconscious level.

thales: this is a short story, I will not have chapters. It'll just be about 7 pages long, touching on important parts of his life and then something amazing shall happen. lol, well, you'll just have to wait.

thales · 04-12-2008, 02:37 PM

Cool plot. I love this kind of shit.

In my opinion I'd drop the beginning, start with the dialog about the deal. I think the exposition sort of spoils it a bit.

I thought the setting was too overly metaphorical, until I read that he was the adventurous type. Just an observation.

I felt like there was a missing piece with the deal. I was wondering why it went down in the first place. Suddenly the devil and this guy are together. Now, if their was something about this guy that played into the hands of the devil, then the devil would have instant gratification and that could be a part of the plot. And, that could be expressed, but witout it, the devil exits the story it seems until the devil returns for his soul. If you chose to add something like that, you could bring it out in dialog.

I didn't like how suddenly this guy became a murderous type. I had no indication. Unless this is already his disposition or something that the deal may have created, playing into the Devils favor.

I would separate this into two chapters. The devil in the first and the guy he kills with the plane in the second.

The dialog was the best part of it. I would focus bringing it out as much as you can since it's the most compelling element.

Crash_Tomas · 04-12-2008, 07:58 PM

besides saying that stuff once before, I know all about it. but, telling me the dialogue was the best, is kind of saying that the rest sucked.

as for the devil, who says it's the devil? I distinctly remember typing, "I doubt the man was the devil, but he was some sort of God."

that's the key words right there. It's why I even have the beginning. Cos I could have started with him explaining the scenery, then that'd ruin the overall feel. If this was a novel, and I had hundreds of pages to explain things, I would scratch the beginning. But since this is a short story, I'm trying something new to see how it will work out in the end.

but, thanks for all the input, I will do what I can to apply it in future works.

T.W. North · 04-13-2008, 02:19 AM

You can't be immortal for ten years. Invincible, sure, but not immortal. Immortal means you won't die of old age.

Crash_Tomas · 04-13-2008, 12:08 PM

Hello TW. You've just won a million dollars. Click Here to claim your prize!

lol, I know the meaning of immortality and invincible. It's not a mistake I used it.

I bet if this had the entire story posted, nobody would have anything negative to say.

but, so it seems that it is wrong. I suppose it is.

(don't forget yo claim your million dollars)

Crash_Tomas · 04-13-2008, 12:09 PM

Hello TW. You've just won a million dollars. Click Here to claim your prize!

lol, I know the meaning of immortality and invincible. It's not a mistake I used it.

I bet if this had the entire story posted, nobody would have anything negative to say.

but, so it seems that it is wrong. I suppose it is.

(don't forget to claim your million dollars)

skyra · 04-13-2008, 01:06 PM

cool story, wish it was more than a short story, but then it wont havethe punch this has. lets see how it ends.one problem though, i kind of agree with the others, his murderous tendencies seem to pop out of the blues,but like i said, good work