A Sunrise on Crystal Clear Waters - Writers Forum

Z-Man · 04-08-2008, 07:44 PM

Well, here is my first posts on this site. This is basically me being bored and just sitting down to write. It just sort of flowed from my mind and I just wanted to see what people thought of some of my writing. Critiques?

A Sunrise on Crystal Clear Waters

As the gun fired my mind started rushing. It was a chilly early morning on the River Thames as the boat shot off. Mist was drifting over the cool water as the oars cut through the still water and the rising sun was peeking through the clouds, casting an orange hue onto the gray morning sky. This was my first regatta and even though my body was focused on rowing, my mind was jumping all over the place. I was nervous and we all wanted to prove to the condescending varsity members that we were good.

As our eight-seat went gliding down the chilly waters, my body ached—my muscles were screaming. All I could think about was how if I stopped at any point in the race, I would have let both my team and myself down—and I would never forgive myself for that. At some point my body became numb and all I could do was tell myself to keep going—to keep rowing through everything and never stop.

From the second we got into The Inspiration to the second we passed the 200 meter mark my body was anxiously shaking and hysterically trembling. This time in the boat felt eerily reminiscent of the first time in the boat during practice. Everyone had told me that flipping an eight-seat was possible, but not probable—we sure proved them wrong, however, and I was praying that it would not happen again in this race.

It was a chilly dark morning on the still water as the eight novices got into their boat for the first time ever. As soon as we took off I felt that something was going to go wrong—a forewarning of a disastrous dilemma. We were erratically going down the river and my body was quivering beyond control and I did not feel safe on that boat. That foreboding feeling soon proved true as we kept going down the water and I could feel it happen. I do not remember what happened or how it happened; all I remember was feeling the frigid dark water stabbing my body as we fell into it. My whole body went into shock from the freezing water around me and my mind instinctively told my arms and legs to start swimming to shore.

A sharp stab to the back from my teammate’s oar handle woke me up from that icy memory. I looked forward, past the coxswain and saw that the starting point of the race was far gone—vanishing into the morning sun. I often felt like I could not appreciate the other rowers in the boat, they were all cocky and arrogant. I believe that no matter how good you are at something, you need to have at least some humility and only one or two other people in the boat had that. The only people in that boat that I respected were the coxie, a small girl that appeared to be half my size with twice my voice, and the boy in the stroke seat, the person responsible for my joining of the sport.

The coxie was the one of the only other rowers who I believe actually cared for the sport and she loved it with all of her heart. The boy in the stroke seat was the one who convinced me to join rowing, after much prodding and provoking, and after that I fell in love with it. These were the only other two who had a clue what was going on and they were pretty decent at what they did.

My strength and energy started wearing down as the end of the race came into view, just a few hundred meters ahead. It felt as though I could not take anymore and that my body was about to just give up, but I was not about to let that happen—especially with victory so close to our grasp. We were only ahead of the other novice rowers by a little and these next hundred meters would determine who won the long strenuous race.

The adrenaline was kicking my body into full gear and I did not care how badly the muscles in my arms and back were killing me. My mind became focused on one thing—the craving to win at whatever cost. We were so close and losing was no longer an option for us. Everything was riding on these last few strokes—victory and the admiration of our upper class teammates. Everything went quiet.

All of a sudden I heard this tremendous outburst from the crowd watching the finish. We had won. The numbness from pain was replaced with the numbness of astonishment. It took a while for the victory to set in for me. It was just all the fun in the life of a rower.

babeonownbike · 04-09-2008, 01:11 PM

I haven't yet written the next great novel, but here are some thoughts:

"As the gun fired my mind started rushing." Starter's Pistol might be better because immediately I was thinking of a firearm which, in turn, left me confused reading "... as the boat shot off." And then I was really confused to read about oars, as I had assumed a boat that would shoot off was motorized and was some a get-away vehicle.

"As our eight-seat went gliding down the chilly waters, my body ached—my muscles were screaming." I found it odd that someone who had trained for rowing was in such distress right from the get-go.

"From the second we got into The Inspiration to the second we passed the 200 meter mark my body was anxiously shaking and hysterically trembling." A few problems here; I had to read it a couple of times before I realized The Inspiration was the name of the boat. Then there's the repititous use of "the second" that, because the scene is a race, had me thinking of timing. Perhaps "From the moment we climbed aboard The Inspiration, until we passed the 200-meter mark, ..." would be better, even though I didn't get the impression the 200-meter mark had any significance as an ending point for the rower's discomfort.

"Everyone had told me that flipping an eight-seat was possible, but not probable—we sure proved them wrong, however, and I was praying that it would not happen again in this race." "this" implies there was a previous race. Perhaps "during the race" would be better.

"...and only one or two other people in the boat had that. The only people in that boat that I respected were the coxie, a small girl that appeared to be half my size with twice my voice, and the boy in the stroke seat, the person responsible for my joining of the sport.

The coxie was the one of the only other rowers who I believe actually cared for the sport and she loved it with all of her heart. The boy in the stroke seat was the one who convinced me to join rowing, after much prodding and provoking, and after that I fell in love with it. These were the only other two who had a clue what was going on and they were pretty decent at what they did."
These sentences are very repetitious.

"It was just all the fun in the life of a rower."
Weak ending.

phurst · 04-09-2008, 01:14 PM

So since you posted, when will you critique others?

Swap para 2 and 1
Para 4 and 1 start the same and 4 doesn't really work as a flash back.
Para 5 and 6 say the same thing
Edit para 7 - 'Even though my body cried in pain, I wouldn't, couldn't stop.
Para 5 and six can go last as he relaxes after the finish.