The Theory Of Relativity (Very Short) - Writers Forum

Alterego · 04-08-2008, 02:34 AM

I gently pat the orange padding.
Maybe I should get myself one of these, I think to myself.
A sofa, after all, is a basic need. You know how it is. You rent a flat and count on it having a sofa. Not something too flashy made out of Indian Elephants' leather, but a normal couch, something respectful to sit on. Drink coffee, watch porn, have sex on it.
It's the natural order of living. Four walls, a ceiling, a toilet, and then you got to have the sofa. How the hell did I live without one?
I snuggle like a baby deep into the warm padding, rubbing my head against it, shoving my finger into the crack where everything always falls into. Gum wraps, old coins, used condoms. Each catch I manage to fish out goes right into my pocket.
A random person passes by, giving me that sorry look. Some people just don't understand the beauty of it, especially during such a cold weather. You walk past a gas station, only to find this exotic colored sofa, just sitting there, waiting for me to restfully lie upon it.
I then notice a cop heading my way, predicting the bitter consequences bound to take place by the suited figure. What have I done wrong to him, what have I done for him to abrupt this beautiful relationship developed between me and my sofa?
He unmercifully grabs my hand, 'Go away, and get a job!' he yells, as I push my hand into the sofa's crack, hoping it will hold me with all its power and protect. When it fails to struggle, I once more taste the bitter cold asphalt. As the cop gives me a final threatening look and turns around, I get up on my feet and approach the god sent gift once more. I put my hand on it, as I notice a nearby trashcan.
There's no doubt about it, I'll get myself a sofa one of these days, but food has its priority.

doremusjessup · 04-08-2008, 09:05 AM

Interesting, sort of surreal, flash of an experience you have here. Some of the sentences are awkward and I would reconsider some language choices.

Quote:

I then notice a cop heading my way, predicting the bitter consequences bound to take place by the suited figure.

This sentence just doesn't sound right. It's a bit like it was translated literally from another language.

Quote:

What have I done wrong to him, what have I done for him to abrupt this beautiful relationship developed between me and my sofa?

Abrupt is not the word you want here. Abruptly might be used to modify the word you do want. Like abruptly interrupt (though I wouldn't do this either, as it sounds redundant).

Cervantes · 04-08-2008, 11:41 AM

An intriguing "Modernist" tale, if I dare say. I suggest you read William Faulkner or James Joyce. Superb! I like the stream-of-consciousness technique employed here.

mybigboots · 04-08-2008, 11:57 AM

I think this has real potential. I have a penchant for short fictions, but I think this would benefit from being opened out a little.

I would consider writing the next draft in third person so you can get some observational texture into it. I would also lose the last chunk:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alterego

I put my hand on it, as I notice a nearby trashcan.

There's no doubt about it, I'll get myself a sofa one of these days, but food has its priority.

I think its a bit on the nose.

I'd love to see what you do with this.

Boots

Alterego · 04-08-2008, 12:34 PM

First of all, thanks a bunch for the responses.

It was, in fact, directly translated from another language (which hurts the story as English isn't my main language), good job spotting that.

I'll review the criticism, and implement it as I go .
Thanks again.

=)

Shadow Reeves · 04-08-2008, 04:46 PM

personally, i think the cop is not right. i dont know about America but if a guy is sitting on a sofa that has be thrown to the kerb, even if he does appear homeless....there isn't really anything wrong with it that a cop will throw you off, maybe a gang of teens?

but yeah, nice job