All I did was catch his gaze. - Writers Forum

Hidden · 04-08-2008, 01:38 AM

I catch a teenager’s gaze, on the other side of the road. Quickly, I look away. He’s like one of the kids who hang about on the corner of my street, spitting and swearing at passersby, waiting for them to retaliate, so he can up the anti? I glance over again, and again he catches me. It’s as if he’s saying: ‘come on you fucker, come over here and I’ll have you’. I want to smile nervously, but daren’t: he might think I’m taking the piss. I keep a cold look on my face, and walk on. I cross the road, turn down my street and glance back. He’s still there. A beads of sweat dribble down my forehead. I turn, and swing my fist hard into his face.

doremusjessup · 04-08-2008, 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hidden

A beads of sweat dribble down my forehead. I turn, and swing my fist hard into his face.

Okay, the end was a little unexpected. But I would go for more. Does it turn out the kid was blind? Was he taken with the narrator's beauty and rudely staring without being aware of it? Or is he really a gang member and the narrator puts him in a shopping cart and runs him off the end of a pier?

I don't know, I need something more. The writing's not bad, though.

P.S.

anti -> ante

"taking the piss" Never heard this phrase in this context before.

"A beads of sweat dribble down my forehead." -> bead ... dribbles

Roxane · 04-10-2008, 11:21 AM

the first two sentences were catchy, the end came to suddenly for me... I actually thought the narrator kind of liked this guy maybe because of:

Quote:

I want to smile nervously, but daren’t

you can definitely keep going with this