Disappearance in the Dark - Writers Forum

xdarkeyesoldierx · 04-06-2008, 01:54 PM

Disclaimer: Language

I wrote this story about two years ago as a school assigment. So, we had to start our story with a vignette, such as what Ernest Hemingway did in "In Our Time" and go from there. This is the story I came up with.

Disappearance in the Dark

The darkness spread over the battlefield. The soldiers in the trenches sat silently waiting for any order to be given. Then a sudden bright flash and an earsplitting explosion came upon the whole area. Silence and darkness had reappeared again, except for the moans of pain from those not killed in the explosion. It seemed darker to all because the explosion had blinded every soldier. And in the middle of the chaos, the chaplain could be heard pacing back and forth repeating: “Therefore, put on the armor of God that you may be able to resist on the evil day and, having done everything, to hold your ground.” Then the first critically injured soldier fell into silence, eyes closed, dead. Two more fell and it seemed that the company was defeated and too tired to fight. A lone soldier gave a last hurrah and climbed the trench wall, but he was struck in the lung with one sniper shot, and fell to the ground, cold, still, dead.

The smallest rustle of leaves could be heard in the dark woods. It was a very cold, dark night. Clouds slowly rolled across the sky, at some points covering the moon to make the night seem a bit darker than it had been before. The stars shone bright above, but no light from them reached the earth below.
Behind a bush hiding from the searchers, Michael stayed still and silent hoping not to be found. He was shivering slightly as the wind brushed over him. He was only wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and so he was cold in the brisk temperature.
“Come out”, a voice yelled from not too far away, “we are getting sick of searching. You win.”
Michael continued to sit still behind the bush. He could see a stream of light through the gaps in the bushes’ branches. It came from a flashlight that either his brother or his friend Jason was holding. They were playing Hide and Seek and he now stayed still because he figured as soon as he left his spot, they would say he was it, because they had found him. He decided he would not fall for their tricks this time.
“Seriously, we don’t want to play this game anymore”, the voice spoke again, “We are tired, cold, and want to go inside. Let’s go.”
“Listen, just forget him. If he doesn’t want to come out, maybe a night in the dark and cold will teach him a lesson,” the other voice said.
Michael still felt they were messing with him and stayed where he was. He began to hear the footsteps of the two walking away. He decided he could at least move further away from them, in case they came back to search again.
The wind continued to blow and Michael began to shiver more and more as he moved along through the woods. He looked at the light up watch on his wrist. It read in large, black, digital numbers, 10:35 PM. He decided that if no one came looking for him within 20 minutes he would turn back and go home.
After about 10 minutes, it began to grow darker as the tree branches overhead blocked the moon out completely. He did not have a flashlight and proceeded as if blind; feeling his way through the woods. For something to do, and to somewhat rid his mind of his fear of the dark he began to quietly sing some of his favorite songs.
“If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now, it's just a spring clean for the…” and then he heard something behind him. He didn’t bother to look back and he just began to run, at least as fast as his 12 year old feet could carry him. He bobbed and weaved around trees and branches as best as he could. Then he hit a large branch and blacked out.

After what seemed like hours he awoke to a stark white ceiling covered with bright fluorescent lights. He felt as though he was rolling on something, as the lights blurred above him. From what he could see around him there were about 10 people running beside the rolling table speaking to each other very quickly. They were all dressed in white with masks over their mouths. He realized he must be in a hospital and someone had found him lying unconscious in the woods. Finally the rolling table (gurney) stopped in a dimly lit room. He was flipped off of the gurney onto an operating table. He began to scream. Or had he screamed?
“What do you need to operate on me for?” he said, but it only sounded in his mind.
This can’t be happening. I don’t need to be operated on, I was only knocked out, and there should be no reason for them to operate on me.
“Stop. Don’t operate on me. Fuck. Don’t fuckin’ cut me open, for crissakes.” but once again these words only sounded in his head, and his lips would not part. He knew that he would never speak like this to adults or near adults for that matter, but in his panic he was just speaking out in fear.
The doctor grabbed a marker and began to draw a line to cut along. The line went from the bottom of Michael’s ribcage to his lower stomach. He then grabbed a scalpel and was set to cut, when Michael truly awoke.

He found himself sitting in a hospital bed. There was a doctor next to him looking at his charts. He turned and saw a tray of tools on the other side of the bed. He began to scream and writhe around on the bed.
“Calm down,” the doctor said, but Michael continued to scream and cry in fear of being truly operated on. He fell off the bed and was once again knocked out.

phurst · 04-08-2008, 05:32 PM

Nice stuff for a school aged kid. It was going very well until the Led Zep song then the whole story took off to parts unknown. Point of view needs to be looked at and his instant knowledge that he had been knocked out. Overall, pretty good.

Make sure you take the time to do some critiques for others even if they are just I like, I don't.

xdarkeyesoldierx · 04-11-2008, 12:00 PM

Thanks. That was the first song to come to my head and after that I don't know what happened, but I'll fix the parts you mentioned and see if I can make it flow better to the end.