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We heard the doorbell ring. Sebastian gave his girlfriend, Jane, another mouthful of pasta and then moved her off his knee, and left the kitchen to answer the door.


Returning immediately, he pointed at Jane and said, ‘Simona’s outside, you’ll have to pretend to be Ben’s girlfriend!’

Sebastian and Jane had a deal that if either of their long-term partners showed up they’d pretend nothing was going on between them.

‘I’ll just leave,’ said Jane.

‘You can’t, all your stuff’s upstairs’, said Sebastian.

He slapped his own face and cursed, ‘fuck you Sebastian, you fucking asshole! You deserve this’

He then went out frantically and came back with Simona, who he calmly introduced to us. Jane was now sitting on my knee.

Sebastian didn’t tend to give particulars about people. He dealt more in platitudes. He’d mentioned in passing Simona’s great beauty, innocence and intelligence, but had never once given these characteristics any physical, emotional or mental form. He’d always maintained, though, that this was the only woman he could ever love.

He left Simona with us and started to take her luggage upstairs to his room. James (who shared the house with Sebatian), Jane and I maintained the charade.

Simona told us that her journey from Paris had been long and that the channel crossing had made her ill and she now needed to lie down and rest for a while. As she got up to leave the kitchen, I feebly said, trying to stop her, ‘so what’s it like being a nurse, in Paris, then? She smiled, and looked as if she hadn’t heard me and said good night.

Five minutes later, Sebastian returned and said that Simona was having a shower and that we should take this opportunity to move Jane’s stuff from his room to his car. He told Jane to stay in the kitchen. In the hallway, he whispered that he had already thrown all Jane’s stuff out of his bedroom window while taking Simona’s luggage upstairs.

When it came to taking Jane’s last piece of luggage from the bedroom, Sabastian grabbed hold of me by my shoulders, looked me in the eye and shook me as he said: ‘are you my friend, are you really my friend Ben? I mean really?’

I hesitated and said, ‘yes’.

‘No, are you really my friend Ben, I mean really?’

I replied a little more emphatically, ‘yes!’

He then repeated the question wanting an even more emphatic response, which I stupidly gave him.

Still holding me he then said, ‘Jane's yours then. You can have her. She’s told me she fancies you. But listen to me, you have to fuck her tonight and fuck her well. You fuck her hard and well and she’s yours. That’s all she cares about.’

He shook me again and said, ‘you have to promise me that you’ll fuck her well tonight. Promise me!’

‘Ok, ok’, I said.

Not liking the sound of my reply, he said, ‘do you know what an incredible fuck this girl is? I’m doing you a favor. If it weren’t for Simona, I’d be staying with her myself. Make sure you fuck her!’

Jane and I picked her things up from outside, put them in the car and left for my place. In the car she cried and tried to explain things about her and Sebastian, but I said there was no need.

Later, in bed, Jane climbed on top of me, her proud upturned breasts partially obscuring her face, and said, ‘can you believe he prefers her to me - that flat-chested, spotty, plain looking girl? She can’t even be clever, falling for that sham.’

‘I wonder why she turned up like that, with no warning. She could have been watching you and Sebastian all day, you know’, I muttered.

jakelauer

1. I was very confused at this point, because I thought Jane was a baby and Sebastian was feeding her spoonfuls because she couldn't do it herself.

2. If you can, avoid the adverbs. Try having the situation (dialogue, body language, etc.) speak for them. Show, don't tell.

3. Personally, I think James is an unnecessary character because he doesn't do anything during the story besides sit there, and this is his only appearance. However, if you must have him, the sentence would probably be clearer if it were worded differently, for instance:

James, with whom Sebastian shared the house, Jane, and I maintained the charade.
-or-
James (who shared the house with Sebastian), Jane, and I maintained the charade.

4. No comma, while instead of when.

5. Unnecessary, it is assumed that he gripped tightly.

6. All the way from when he first says, "She's yours then" up until this point, I thought the "she" in question was Simona, so I was confused when Simona's name was mentioned. It might be clearer if you say "Jane's yours then" or something. Maybe it's just me.


Just my $.02

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Many thanks Jakelauer! Your comments were very useful, and I have made the changes you suggested.

Much appreciate you taking the time to read.

Cheers,

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jakelauer

No problem. Also, I just noticed something. When you say "Sebastian gripped me by either shoulder," it should be "my shoulders" or "both shoulders".

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Thanks again Jakelauer. Much appreciated help.

Cheers,

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Zorell

I think this needs some elaboration, it seems more like a chunk of the plot as opposed to the entire plot. It would be an interesting one however.

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IWriteUWrite

My remarks are in italics. Sorry if it's a little hard to read. I meant to make them a color but forgot.

We heard the doorbell ring. Sebastian gave his girlfriend, Jane, another mouthful of pasta and then[Drop 'and then' and add a comma] moved her off his knee, [Drop comma] and left the kitchen to answer the door. [I also agree that this was confusing. I guess you meant it to be romantic but I got the impression she was incapable of feeding herself.]

Returning immediately['Immediately' isn't a very strong word. Could be improved to give a more exact time he was gone], he pointed at Jane and said, ‘Simona’s outside,[Should be a period and a new sentence.] you’ll have to pretend to be Ben’s girlfriend! [I found this exclamation mark to be a bit out of place.]’

Sebastian and Jane had a deal that if either of their long-term partners showed up they’d pretend nothing was going on between them.

‘I’ll just leave,’ said Jane [I'll only point this out here, since you do it throughout. The name of the person talking goes first. 'Jane said...' 'She said...' etc.].

‘You can’t,[Period, new sentence] all your stuff’s upstairs’,[Commas go inside the qoutations.] said Sebastian.

He slapped his own face and cursed [You don't need to say he is about to curse right before he does.] ,[Should be a period.] ‘f[Capital F]uck you [I'm pretty sure a comma goes here.] Sebastian, you fucking asshole! You deserve this[.]’

He then went out[Drop 'then went out', add 'left'] frantically and came back with Simona, who[Whom, I think] he calmly introduced to us[Us?]. Jane was now sitting on my knee[Who's knee? I thought there were only two characters thus far.].

Sebastian didn’t tend to give particulars about people. He dealt more in platitudes. He’d mentioned[,] in passing[,] Simona’s great beauty, innocence[,] and intelligence,[Drop comma] but had never once given these characteristics any physical, emotional[,] or mental form[I don't know what this means.]. He’d always maintained, though, that this was the only woman he could ever love.

He left Simona with us and started to take her luggage upstairs to his room. James (who shared the house with Sebatian)[I personally dislike seeing parentheses], Jane and I maintained the charade. [Maybe I missed something, but who is James?]

Simona told us that her journey from Paris had been long and that the channel crossing had made her ill and she now needed to lie down and rest for a while [This tale could be accomplished more efficiently by having her actually retell the story.]. As she got up to leave the kitchen, I feebly [Too many adverbs.] said, trying to stop her, ‘so what’s it like being a nurse, in Paris, then? She smiled, and looked as if she hadn’t heard me and said good night. [Pick up a basic grammar book and see how to better introduce quotes. I can explain a little if you want.]

Five minutes later, Sebastian returned and said that Simona was having [taking] a shower and that we should take [use] this opportunity to move Jane’s stuff from his room to his car. He told Jane to stay in the kitchen. In the hallway, he whispered that he had already thrown all Jane’s stuff out of his bedroom window while taking Simona’s luggage upstairs. [Too much telling. Show more.]

When it came to taking Jane’s last piece of luggage from the bedroom, Sabastian grabbed hold of me by my shoulders, looked me in the eye and shook me as he said: ‘a[A]re you my friend, are you really my friend Ben? I mean really?’ [See quotes thing above. Also, is there a reason you don't use real quotation marks - "]

I hesitated and said, ‘yes’. [Quotes mistake.]

‘No, are you really my friend[,] Ben,[?] I mean really?’

I replied a little more emphatically, ‘yes!’

He then repeated the question wanting an even more emphatic response, which I stupidly[Adverb. Also doesn't make much sense.] gave him.

Still holding me he then[Drop 'then'] said, ‘Jane's yours then. You can have her. She’s told me she fancies you. But listen to me, you have to fuck her tonight and fuck her well. You fuck her hard and well and she’s yours. That’s all she cares about.’

He shook me again and said, ‘you have to promise me that you’ll fuck her well tonight. Promise me!’ [Quote problems.]

‘Ok, ok’, I said. [Feel free to use more than 'said.' Cried, replied, wailed, screamed, etc...]

Not liking the sound of my reply, he said, ‘do you know what an incredible fuck this girl is? I’m doing you a favor. If it weren’t for Simona, I’d be staying with her myself. Make sure you fuck her!’ [Quote problems.]

Jane and I picked her things up from outside, put them in the car[,] and left for my place. In the car she cried and tried to explain things about her and Sebastian, but I said there was no need.

Later, in bed, Jane climbed on top of me, her proud [Poor word choice. If you leave two adjectives there needs to be a comma after the first.] upturned breasts partially obscuring her face, and said, ‘can you believe he prefers her to me - that flat-chested, spotty, plain looking girl? She can’t even be clever, falling for that sham.’ [Quote problems.]

‘I wonder why she turned up like that, with no warning. She could have been watching you and Sebastian all day, you know’,[Comma inside quotes.] I muttered.

Overall, it's decent. You need some work on basic grammar which a book can help you with. Almost seems like the whole story was put together as a lead in for the sex scene. Maybe I'm wrong.

Dr. Apopolus

Cripes Betty, this reads like quicksand.

Perhaps a do-over?

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