Begging to be Forgiven: Part One - Writers Forum

redsoxocd · 04-05-2008, 08:37 PM

This is the first part of a three part short story that I am working on. In each part someone will be telling their story to god asking him to forgive them. The caracters are the wife, the husband, and his mistress. Each who are trying to get to heaven, or get back to earth. Well here it is, please let me know what you think of it.

Begging to be Forgiven: Part One

“So I sat there and just thought about what had happened. I wasn’t too upset or anything. I was just shocked. After everything that we had been through I didn’t expect things to come down to this. I’m just so confused. What did I do wrong? Was I not there enough? Did I not cater to his needs? Did I hurt him unknowingly and this was his was of getting me back? I don’t know.

“What I do know is what I felt like when I walked in there. My heart dropped when I saw them. The two of them in our apartment. I started to leave but he grabbed my wrist to stop me. I turned to face him and in back of him I saw her. I saw her rushing to grab her things. I jerked away from him and started to run toward her. I wanted to kill her. I would’ve if he hadn’t restrained me. He didn’t let me go until she was gone. When he did I just fell to the floor and started to cry. He took one look at me, grabbed his coat, and walked out the door. That’s what hurt the most. The fact that he didn’t even try to explain himself. The way he looked at me as if to say, ‘You got what you deserved.’ The way he walked out the door and never looked back. My first instinct was to run after him but that didn’t seem like a good idea. It seemed as if it would have been a waste of time.

“I fell asleep laying there and didn’t wake up until I heard him come in the door. It was around one in the morning and he was drunk. He was staggering around and yelling for me to get off the floor. I became scared and was paralyzed. I had never seen him like this before. He was usually more responsible than this. But I guess that that wasn’t quite the day for responsibility either. I stared at him and prayed to God that he would calm down. But he didn’t. He came and grabbed me up then pushed me back down. Then he laughed as I sat there in pain. He laughed so horribly that it made me shiver. I looked at the ring on my finger and knew that it meant nothing to him now. That he no longer cared about the vows he made or the things he agreed to when he said, ‘I do’.

“I became so scared. I knew that that one push was not enough to satisfy him. I could feel something much worse brewing inside of him. He smiled and began walking towards me. I tried to back away from him but quickly found myself in a corner. He told me get up and I decided that it would be best to do as he said. I kept my back pressed against the wall the whole time, trying to keep as great a distance between us a possible. But he just came closer so that his body was pressed against mine. He kissed my neck and whispered in my ear, “I hate you…you mean nothing to me.” I knew what was coming next and I didn’t want to go through that. I tried to push him off of me but he lashed out and smacked me. I touched the place on my face where he had hit me and felt the blood. I realized that fighting back would only make things worse. I had no choice but to let him have his way with me.

“He grabbed me by my hair and dragged me into the room. He told me to sit on the bed while he took a gun out of his pocket and placed it on the nightstand. I felt my body begin to shake again. I felt the blood in my body go cold. I knew that my life now rested in his hands. Time seemed to go by so slowly. I could feel the seconds passing. I tried to resist what was happening. I tried to make the muscles in my body tense so that he could not get in. But he was stronger. He forced himself into me. It hurt so badly. I wanted everything to end. It seemed as if it never would. Then everything faded away. I had passed out.

“I don’t know what time it was when I woke up but he was lying next to me and I was handcuffed to the bed. I looked to my side and saw that the gun was still on the nightstand. My body hurt so badly. I knew what I had to do so that I wouldn’t have to go through what I went through the last night again. I heard him cough and begin to move. This would be my only chance. He began to move even more. He was beginning to wake up. It was now or never. I picked up the gun and turned to face him. I prayed that it was loaded. When he looked at me a look of terror spread throughout his face and he said, “What the hell are-.” I did it. It was all over now. I looked at the blood that had splattered on me and began to cry. I had killed my husband. I had committed the worst sin of all.

“That’s when I realized that I was still handcuffed to the bed. I looked to see if the key was nearby but I couldn’t find it. I was going to be stuck there until I starved to death. I didn’t want to die that way. I already had pain all over my body and in my heart. I didn’t need anything else to burden me. I knew that the only thing to do would be to commit another sin. My hand started to shake rapidly as I raised the gun to my head. I was scared to pull the trigger but I had to get it over with. I had to stop living this nightmare. My world went black. I felt my spirit rising up here and when I saw you I knew that everything would be okay.

“Now I beg of you: forgive me for my sins… I only did what seemed right. I couldn’t stand having to live there another day. I know that what I did was wrong. But please… please don’t make me go down there. Things will only be like how they were before. Please don’t make me relive that HELL!”

phurst · 04-08-2008, 05:24 PM

I've tried to do this one 3 times and can not get there. I think the problem is with your beginning where you tell us what it is about. I shutdown before I start. If you are going topreface your story, do it quesry style and invoke interest to read it or leave it out together and let the reader determine what the story is about. Maybe when I come in fresh tomorrow I can give it a go.
Don't forget to do some critiqueing yourself

babeonownbike · 04-09-2008, 10:54 AM

There are many changes in tense that make it confusing right from the start:
“So I sat there and just thought about what had happened. ... I’m just so confused.

Also, having read your summary, I felt I'd been told too much, and then found myself searching for that story-line. I was too focused on trying to figure out how this was a tale of someone asking forgiveness, to appreciate the story. I agree with phurst, elimate the preface other than to say it's part one of a three-part story.

I'd say "one wrist handcuffed to the bed" because I was trying to picture how a handcuffed person could also reach to the nightstand for the gun.

The concept has my interest piqued enough to want to read the other two parts, but I didn't find this read smoothly. It needs some work but a good start.