Trucker's Concerto - Writers Forum

babeonownbike · 04-02-2008, 02:56 PM

This is a story I composed in my head one night, sitting at a red light, waiting to exit the highway.
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Trucker's Concerto

He was pleasantly tired after a good day of driving. The truck driver was settled in his bunk, surrounded by just about everything he owned, his hands under his head, taking in the sounds of the road outside. He enjoyed listening to the traffic. It was like music; each vehicle with its own, individual pitch, harmonizing with others to produce an orchestral symphony of sound. Short bursts of one or another would stand out, then fade into the overall concert. Tonight the few vehicles played solo and he imagined each instrument and the maestro behind the music.

The low, steady rumble of the percussion was a gravel truck, its many tires bearing their heavy load, driven by a weary father eager to get home to a hot shower and catch the end of the game on the tube, while his son fell asleep in his lap. A high-pitched string section, heard as suddenly as it was gone, was an expensive sports car, with a flashy young business man, impatient to get to his waiting friends for cocktails. Here came the woodwinds; a practical family sedan, its driver a middle-aged woman clinging to the wheel, hands at two and ten o'clock, peering over the hood, nervous until she was in her home, out of that vehicle. The brass section was played by a bus, the driver high on caffeine, the rows of seats filled with dozing passengers caught in that netherworld between departure point and destination.

The pleasant bass of the motorcycle announced itself long before it arrived. The trucker relaxed a little more, savouring the slow crescendo. He pictured the lone rider, with his legs resting easy out front of him, the evening wind on his face, warm in the embrace of his leather jacket and a comfortable pair of faded blue jeans that rode up on his worn boots.

Smiling, the trucker's eyes closed, the bike now fading in the distance. Sleep conducted a hushed finale

Just Jim · 04-02-2008, 03:35 PM

Babe I like this a lot. Your choice of vehicles to match the sections of the orchestra is excellent. I can hear it playing.

Quote:

The low, steady rumble of the percussion was a gravel truck

This phrase threw me for a moment, and I had to go back and re-read it.
Maybe because it was the first one, and I didn't realize what you were doing, but rumble and percussion sounded redundant. Coming back and reading it again it sounds OK.

You don't want readers stumbling, even for a moment. Don't know what else to suggest.

Aside from that one thing, the writing is great.

Just at a stoplight, huh ? Not a bad minute.

babeonownbike · 04-02-2008, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Jim

Just at a stoplight, huh ? Not a bad minute.[/font][/color][/color][/size][/font]

It would be more honest to say I concieved it at the stoplight

As I drove home I "wrote" my first draft.
Once I hit the keyboard, however, there was at least an hour of further editing. I anguish over every word, trying to capture exactly what I mean and making sure my analogies are accurate.

I really appreciate your comment about the redundancy. Maybe I need to introduce the truck first, as in:
"The low, steady rumble of a truck was the percussion section, ..." but the rest of the sentence is about the truck; not the percussion section. Hmmm - will have to think this through.

Tiamat10 · 04-02-2008, 06:39 PM

This is really nice. Seriously, I've never considered traffic noise to be anything but...well...noise. This gave me a totally new perspective, but I think it could be a lot nicer. Watch out for overusing the word 'was'. It's such a drab verb, and I counted about 8 of them in those few paragraphs. I know it's impossible to write something and never use 'was' or 'were', but try editing out as many of them as you can. Your sentences will be so much stronger when you use good, strong action verbs in them, instead.

babeonownbike · 04-08-2008, 08:37 AM

I'm pleased to say this piece was selected to be published in the May issue of www.longstoryshort.us, an ezine!! (I hope it was okay to include the link here)

doremusjessup · 04-08-2008, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by babeonownbike

I'm pleased to say this piece was selected to be published in the May issue of www.longstoryshort.us, an ezine!! (I hope it was okay to include the link here)

Congratulations, Babe. Well deserved.

Foxee · 04-08-2008, 09:33 AM

*applause!* Babe, that is awesome news! I really enjoyed this short piece and meant to share it with my trucker hubby when he was home. Guess I'll have to catch him in two weeks.

Really nice piece, great job!

lin · 04-08-2008, 10:45 AM

Well, if you're in, I guess this doesn't matter, but I'd point out the last two lines for a touchup.

Quote:

Smiling, the trucker's eyes closed, the bike now fading in the distance. Sleep drew its wand to a hushed finale

The first line is flat-out ungrammatically constructed. What's called a "dangling modifier". "Smiling" just sort of dangles there. You need to straighten out the subject and all that.
"The trucker smiled, eyes closed, as the bike faded in the distance." would be correct
and also gets rid of the "now", clashing with the past tense) but there are lots of ways you can skin that cat.

The second line is harder to pin down, it just doesn't read right. "drew its wand to a finale"? That's very obscure and awkward. And, BTW, isn't any musical finale "hushed"? I would work on that line. Last lines of stories are at LEAST as important as the first lines.

babeonownbike · 04-08-2008, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lin

Well, if you're in, I guess this doesn't matter, but I'd point out the last two lines for a touchup.

The first line is flat-out ungrammatically constructed. What's called a "dangling modifier". "Smiling" just sort of dangles there. You need to straighten out the subject and all that.
"The trucker smiled, eyes closed, as the bike faded in the distance." would be correct
and also gets rid of the "now", clashing with the past tense) but there are lots of ways you can skin that cat.

The second line is harder to pin down, it just doesn't read right. "drew its wand to a finale"? That's very obscure and awkward. And, BTW, isn't any musical finale "hushed"? I would work on that line. Last lines of stories are at LEAST as important as the first lines.

Thank you for the suggestions. I agree whole-heartedly the last line is very important to a story. Published or not, there is usually room for improvement.

I want neither the smile nor the eyes closing to be voluntary for the driver; only that they happen as a result of him relaxing in the moment.

As for the final sentence, I would change the word "wand" to "baton" but, try as I may, I was unable to come up with it at the time I wrote the piece. I was attempting to illustrate a conductor ending the piece with a soft fade-out. I can't agree all musical finales are hushed; they can be very abrupt or somewhere in between. This was to end as with the whisper of wire brushed cymbals as he drifted off to sleep.

lin · 04-09-2008, 10:53 AM

The first of those lines is grammatically flawed. I'd work on fixing it if I were you. As a learning experience, if nothing else.

babeonownbike · 04-12-2008, 08:01 PM

lin,
I hope you'll see this as you were the impetus to improve my ending.
Anyone please tell me what you think.
ORIGINAL

Quote:

Smiling, the trucker's eyes closed, the bike now fading in the distance. Sleep drew its wand to a hushed finale

NEW
A smile played across his lips and the trucker’s eyes closed, the bike fading in the distance. Sleep conducted a hushed finale.

lin · 04-12-2008, 08:04 PM

I think it works a lot better.

Good work getting rid of the dangler. It's good to know about those and watch for them.

Betcha can't wait to see it in print.

Foxee · 04-12-2008, 08:06 PM

Much better! Nice to tuck in another music reference at the end. Well done.

Katastrof · 04-12-2008, 08:33 PM

I liked it alot. The story doesn't have much in terms of conflict (not that it needs, though) but it makes up for that aspect in imagery and language. I really can't offer any criticism since its already published and because I can't find anything that hasn't already been said. Great job.

SevenWritez · 04-12-2008, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by babeonownbike

lin,
I hope you'll see this as you were the impetus to improve my ending.
Anyone please tell me what you think.
ORIGINAL NEW
A smile played across his lips and the trucker’s eyes closed, the bike fading in the distance. Sleep conducted a hushed finale.

The original is better. It has a lyrical flow to it that the revised version does not. Lin was the only one to comment on that line, while everyone else--including the publisher--seemed to enjoy it, or not mind. I personally enjoyed it. Keep the original.

EDIT: Just to give myself more ground for my opinion. Grammatically correct or not, both versions convey the message to the reader, who is your first and most important audience. You do use 'was,' a lot, but so what? The imagery is still fresh. The last two sentences are incorrect by grammatical standards, but again, so what? It reads well and presents to the a reader a smooth flow.