Happy Story :-) - Writers Forum

witioni · 04-01-2008, 01:15 AM

The sky is falling and I’m trying to navigate the roads to get away. But everywhere I turn there is another car lined up, miles and miles down the road, around the corner, I see them honking and banging their fists, shouting out their windows, hurry the fuck up, get the fuck out the way, can’t you see the sky is falling, the sky is falling, the sky is falling, my daughter is screaming to me. I turn and tell her to calm down. It’s going to be ok. Daddy is going to get us out of here. I turn right and crash through a fence. Out into the open field I drive and in the distance behind me I see a flash of light. Oh God, it’s beginning. Nothing is going to be the same again. We crash through the field, tall grass whipping at our windows. The cows are all gone. Far in the distance I see the hills. They’re our only chance. I drive faster, my child screaming and crying. I’m sorry honey. Daddy, slow down! I’m sorry honey! DADDY!!! There is nothing I can do! This is it and we have to run. Now, hold on. That’s when it hits me, a cow lying dead in the field. We flip and the world starts spinning, and spinning, and.... I’m sorry honey. Daddy has no control over anything anymore. You’ll have to take your chances. Glass shatters in my face. The sounds of breaking metal and screams trade places in this our final merry go' round. God, please make it stop. Just make it quick. Please. And then he does. I open my eyes to a blurry new world. The windows are shattered and all around me the field is flowing. My hands are limp. She’s limp; head slumped against the side of the door, arms twisted and full of glass. I turn her towards me. So much blood. She’s gone now and I’m all alone. There’s no need to rush now. I think I’ll stay here a little longer and hold her for a while, my little one, my only one. The sky is falling still but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

zizban · 04-01-2008, 09:48 AM

MMMM a little uplift in the AM.

It seems to ramble, and I think I get what you are trying to do: stream of conscious. I think you can pull it off if you break it into paragraphs.

joifulartist84 · 04-01-2008, 12:03 PM

I agree with zizban in breaking it up into paragraphs. Even though it's short, it's a little intimidating in a big block like that.

I was intrigued by the idea behind the story and I would love to see it expanded. Where did the cows go? What was that flash of light? Why is the sky falling?

Good luck!

zizban · 04-01-2008, 12:15 PM

You can get the effect you intended, I think, by breaking a few grammar rules:

I drove the down the road in a panic. I had shot someone.

And it gets worse it was a police officer.

But it gets even worse...

Something like that. It's a little disjointed but I think in your story it will work real well. Something to think about.

witioni · 04-01-2008, 02:45 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I'm reading a lot of Hubert Selby... I like the drive in his style of writing, despite his disjointed use of grammar. I also love how he doesn't use quotation marks to signal who is talking. It's a little difficult to understand at first but it works wonderfully well once you catch on to his rhythm.

babeonownbike · 04-02-2008, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by witioni

That’s when it hits me, a cow lying dead in the field.

I have trouble with a dead cow hitting a vehicle - I suspect it was the other way around.

Overall, however, I liked how you wrote it. I found myself almost breathless, rushing headlong though the reading, I believe as you intended. Creating paragraphs would break up the flow for me. I think it could be smoother/better in a few places, but generally it worked for me.

Tiamat10 · 04-02-2008, 06:45 PM

What a depressing story. Still, I liked it and agree with the others about breaking it into paragraphs.

Quote:

That’s when it hits me, a cow lying dead in the field.

That cracked me up.

booker41 · 04-02-2008, 07:49 PM

I agree with all of the above. As already said 'Paragraph your story' Use speech marks during dialogue, and remember, new paragraph when someone starts to talk, and new paragraph when someone replies. Interesting though

witioni · 04-02-2008, 11:08 PM

Thanks for the comments and advise. I will consider breaking it into paragraphs. I probably won't change the dialogue. I like the way it drives the story along.