kocakoda

I just joined this site and I love to write short, humourous stories. Please let me know what you think.






Most people go on holidays to kick back, have fun and just plain relax. There are others however, that look at a Holiday Resort as a place to make people miserable.
I first noticed them in the lobby. The oddest looking couple I had ever seen. She was a massive woman, very brash, verbal and obviously the boss. I’ll call her Olga. Ya, Olga, Shur. He on the other hand, was quite a small man, balding, glasses and it was obvious that half his vocabulary consisted of the words “Yes Dear”. I’ll call him Elmer, as in Elmer Fuddpucker.
The second time I ran into them was in the Jacuzzi pool. She was ordering Elmer around and giving the pool staff a hard time. The Bubbles in the Jacuzzi were on a timer which finally went off. I was sitting next to the switch and Olga looked at me and said “Turn that switch on”. No please or thank you, just a simple order, turn the switch on.
I looked at the switch and said in a loud voice “Mon Cher, let me take you away from all this. I can show you what electricity really is and I promise to turn you on at least once a day”. I said this while caressing the timer with my thumb. Olga jumped up and turned around. Now some things you want to see, some things you don’t and some things, like the vision before me, should never be seen. In order to get out, she had to step up on the seat and crawl out on her hands and knees. Her dark grey bathing suit reminded me of looking at an elephant from the backend. Her enormous rump temporarily blocked the sun and when she was finally out, she spun around, grabbed Elmer by the arm and pulled him out in one swift movement. She stomped away, dragging Elmer behind her gigantic bulk.
The Buffet area in this Resort was incredible. Thousands of different choices made it very difficult to watch your weight. The next morning, I waited until I saw the Fuddpucker’s sit down before choosing my seat. As she was squeezing her ample body into a chair, I sat at the table across from them. She was driving the wait staff crazy with complaints, demands and insults. She started complaining that the Bacon was not done right. This is silly because if the kitchen puts out a steamer of bacon, they arrange it from soft, regular and crispy so that you can choose the way you want it. You pick, you eat it. She finally held up a piece of bacon on her forks and said in a loud voice “This bacon just sucks”.

I couldn’t pass this opportunity up so I gleefully said in my loudest voice “All right. I’ll have it if you don’t want it”. She just stared at me. Now, I’ve played the ‘Stare’ game with Koda, my dog, on many occasions and I know how to out-stare anybody. If I let Koda out-stare me, he would think that he was the boss of all bosses so there is no way I was going to let Olga out-stare me. We stared at each other a few moments until I said “I‘m sorry, you‘re right. Give it to you husband. I’ve heard that he would eat anything.” She throws her knife and fork down, stands up, grabs Elmer by the arm (I’m wondering at this point if one of his arms is longer than the other), grabs her bag and stomps away. The last I saw of them that day was the sight of Elmer being dragged out by Olga with a half eaten doughnut in his mouth.

The next morning, I went down to the beach to pick out our favourite spot and put our towels on the lounger’s to reserve them for the day. I turned around and saw Elmer doing the same thing about 20 feet away. When he saw me, he picked up his towels and walked down the beach to look for another spot. I felt sorry for him because I knew that Olga had told him exactly where to set up. Yes, he was a dead man for sure. I decided just to stay there to see this play out.
About an hour later, I saw Olga hauling Elmer by the arm to where she wanted to be in the first place. I put on my hat and sunglasses so she wouldn’t recognize me. I knew Elmer wouldn’t say anything because he was in enough trouble as it was. The place she wanted was now taken so she set up just in front of us about 30 feet away, right on the path guests would take to get to the Beach Bar. Yes the game was afoot and the plan was in place. They left after half hour and I assumed they were going to the Lobby Gift Shops. That’s funny because that’s where I was going. I had seen what I needed a few days ago and now my mission had started. On the way to ’My’ shop, I saw them in one of the larger Markets. He was holding a basket and she was tossing items in it. Now I’ve done this before and the timing had to be right. I went into the Market in search of things that I thought she would forget. On the first pass behind them, I slipped a large box of condoms in their basket. The second pass resulted in a Girlie Magazine. Not wanting to push my luck, I left and went to ’My’ Shop.
‘My’ shop had local Arts and Crafts, Carvings, Paintings, Trinkets etc. I was drawn to a certain shelf because it consisted of wooden carvings that looked like a part of the male anatomy. I asked the clerk if they sold many and he said they were a very fast seller. They were about 12 inches long and only cost $7.00. I was now set with my purchase and left to go back to ‘My’ spot. On the way past the large market, I saw a commotion going on. I don’t know who was getting the worst of Olga’s wrath, the sales clerk or Elmer. Needless to say, the things I slipped in their basket were not items Olga approved of.



Back at my lounger, I awaited the return of Olga and Elmer. Fifteen minutes later, they were set in their lounger’s and she was intently reading a magazine (Not the one I picked out). The foot traffic around their spot was becoming heavier as people went to the Bar and it was not difficult for me to walk by and put my ‘Present’ at the rear of her lounger. After passing 3 times, pretending to stop and tie my shoe, I had finally pushed her ‘Present’ up close to her right arm. By this time, quite a few people had seen what I was doing and anxiously awaited for the results. She had sent Elmer to get her a drink and when he retuned, she took the glass in her arm, took a sip and went to place it on the right side of her lounger. Whoops, what have we got here? Her mouth opened but no sound came out. She jumped up, grabbed her towels, bags, Elmer and stomped off.
Now these Resorts have lots of Security People around and one of them was Juan who stood a few feet away from me. I called him, pointed to Olga and Elmer and said they left something and he should get it back to them. One of his jobs was to ensure guests did not lose any items. He picked it up and started walking towards them, held the ‘Present’ in the air and called out “Senora, you forgot your peanuts”. Okay, I’ve talked to Juan before and he is a little rusty on his English. They didn’t stop walking but turned their heads around to see Juan coming after them. They picked up their pace. So did Juan. He yelled again “Senora, you forgot your peanuts”. By this time, a lot of guests were observing the commotion. When he said it a third time, Olga and Elmer broke into a run and disappeared around the corner of a building.
Juan turned back towards me with his peanuts by his side and his head down. He had failed in his job. He was supposed to make sure the guests didn’t lose anything but these guests wanted to lose something. He looked devastated so I walked over and said “Ola Juan, what’s the problem”. He explained it to me and said that it was now his peanuts and he had to report it. I told him that I knew the people and if he gave his peanuts to me, I would get it back to them. Juan was ecstatic and gratefully gave me his peanuts. I haven’t seen Olga or Elmer since but my heart does go out to Elmer.
In the Grand Lobby of the Resort there is a small area dedicated to local Arts and Crafts, much like in the Shops but of a higher quality and a little more costly. If you check it out, you’ll find a 12 inch carving in the middle of the display. It may remind you of a body part. At the bottom of it is a neatly written label.


By Steve Brighton

WriterJohnB

Okay, he didn't like being ordered to turn on the timer. For that he stalks the woman for an entire day? Goes out of his way to harrass her even. This didn't do it for me, but humor is subjective, so don't think I'm criticizing on that score. Give the guy a real reason to f--- with her, and I might think it funny.

You might note that the plural of lounger is loungers, without the apostrophe.

Take care,

Johnb

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http://www.johnbushore.com

SamsonNorth

I thought some of the things he did to the woman were quite funny, but the delivery of the story was a bit off. I can say that I was amused.

-Samson